"Yes, I'm trying to teach them to wash their hands after they pee, etc."
1. "Trying" to teach them to wash after peeing? Really. How hard is it to teach them? How is this an "effort"? Sorry to go all Yoda on your bum-bum here, but there is no try, offbeatmama. You just fucking teach them. We wash before we eat. Period. We wash after playing in the dirt. Period. We wash after we use the bathroom. Period. How is this a difficult lesson to teach? Why do you have to keep "trying"? You observe that shit. You keep an eye on it. You make them wash. The end.
2. Now what exactly do you mean by "etc."? Like, how do you wrap up "oh and the rest of the things you need to wash your hands after" by "etc." Like, do you mean, "after they pee, and after they touch heaping steaaming piles of dog shit"? Or do you mean "after they pee, and after making mudpies"? Or do you mean, "after they pee, and before eating," like we were taught in kindergarten? How do you summarize your hygiene program with "etc."?
"...because substances with names that have numbers and hyphens and are virtually unpronounceable do not belong in children."
Really? God forbid our children ingest substances with numbers, hyphens, or that are difficult to pronounce, like beta-carotene, B-12, or D-3, which are vitamins; or galacto-oligosaccharides, cytidine 5-monophosphate, disodium uridine 5-monophosphate, crypthecodiniium cohnii oil, pyridoxine hydrocloride, cyanocobalamin, or phylloquinone, which are ingredients in infants' formula; or Isoleucine, Threonine, Selenocysteine, or Pyrrolysine, which are amino acids.
"Hell, now that I've taken the time to write all of those ingredients down, I'm quite certain they don't even belong on my kid's asses."
I wish you'd taken as much time to Google them as you did writing them down. OH SNAP!
Case in point:
"I, for one, would rather my kids ingest a little park dirt (even dog poo tinged park dirt) than have them ingest say: Ethyl Alcohol, Isopropyl Alcohol, Carbomer, Tocopheryl Acetate, Glycerin, Propylene Glycol, Isopropyl Myrisate, which are the main ingredients in Purell. Or Propylene Glycol, Methylparaben, Propyl Paraben, Disodium Cocamphodiacetate, Polysorbate 20, and last but not least 2-Bromo-2-nitropropane-1,3-diol, which are commonly found ingredients found in baby wipes....commonly found ingredients found in baby wipes."
And that is where you and I differ, offbeatmama. That is where you and I motherfucking differ. Sweet Jesus.
Let's break this shit down, shall we? I've taken the liberty of Googling almost all of the ingredients in hand sani or baby wipes that terrify you so.
Ethyl Alcohol is also known as pure alcohol or drinking alcohol. It evaporates after rubbing it onto your skin.
Polysorbate 20 is a nontoxic agent and is used as a wetting agent in mouth drops.
A carbomer is simply an expanded molecule. lol.
Tocopheryl acetate is also known as vitamin E acetate and is a common vitamin supplement.
Glycerin. Come on. Do I really have to fucking Google GLYCERIN for you? It's used in a billion foods and pharmaceuticals. COME ON.
Isopropyl Myrisate is safe and nontoxic and is used in certain mouthwashes.
2-Bromo-2-nitropropane-1,3-diol, or Bronopol, is fairly ubiquitous in our diet and the environment, and is even produced within the stomach from various foodstuffs.
Methylparaben is produced naturally and found in several fruits, primarily blueberries, along with other parabens.
Propylparaben, as mentioned above, occurs as a natural substance found in many plants and some insects.
Next time, you can g'head and Google these yourself instead of just letting the big words scare you.
"I'll take my chances with the dirt and grime and grossness from nature (and, I will admit somewhat sheepishly, from my house), thank you very much."
Nature? Oh boy. You're probably one of those people who freaks out that OMFG ascorbic acid is in some of our foods, aren't you?
Another favorite quote:
"Call me crazy, but I'm feeding my kids dirt and pond scum and yes, even dog poop, before I'm feeding them 2-Bromo-2-nitropropane-1,3-diol."
OK! OMG! Crazy! CRAZY CRAZYCRAZYCRAZYCRAZYCRAZYCRAZY!!!!
And one of the quotes that had me shaking my head the hardest:
"I also feel compelled to admit that I (and consequently my children) are lackadaisical hand washers."
WTF? Who so lackadaisically admits that they are lackadaisical handwashers? It's just so...I mean, at least pretend. For fuck's sake, at least pretend you wash your got-damn hands after you touch your bum-bum. Or don't admit to thousands of people that you don't.
A germy affair, indeed.
Aaaaannnnnd with that, I'm off to go let my child
(Next up: My reaction to some of her commenters. Hooooo boy.)