Sunday, February 19, 2012

I Just Lost All Respect for Snooki and Deena.*

* HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Never had any in the first place.

But guys. Guys. This. Just,

Well, let the pictures of this recent episode of Dirty Shore speak for themselves.

As Snooki and Deena leave a public restroom:

Stay klassy, girls.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Wife Swap: Jo Edition.

(Or is that Wifes Wap?)

I've always wondered what it would be like if I went on Wife Swap. Scratch that, I KNOW what it would be like. You know how they always pair totally opposite women/families? A rich bitch goes to live in a hovel, and the other wife lives in a mansion; an unschooler goes to live in a house where the children have every single minute of their day scheduled, planned, and busy; a mother who lives to serve her husband goes to live in a house where the wife doesn't lift a finger; etc.


Yeah. So here's what that would mean for me.

They'd give my household a wife who:

  • OMG wears shoes in my pristine house
  • Does not wash her hands or the kids' hands upon first coming home
  • Takes my children to the McDonald's McPlaguePlace
  • Uses the bathroom without washing
  • Changes Naomi's diapers without washing
  • Brings the shared bum-bum sponge back into fashion
  • Gives Maya all the soda pop--scratch that, all  the Red Bull--she wants
  • Lets the kids watch horror movies
  • Fills the baby's bed with a plush baby bumper, five pillows, eighteen stuffed animals, and four blankets
  • Lets Maya play in the street or totally out of sight at the park
  • Teaches Maya to flick her boogers

  • Cuts the mold off cheese and keeps using it
  • Leaves bean soup out overnight and serves it the next day
  • Lounges around bare-ass nekked with her bum-bum right on my couch
  • Brings in three cats and a dog who scootches

  • Sneezes and coughs with wild abandon
  • Lets the baby chew on the restaurant table
  • Lets the baby play with and gnaw on her cell phone and keys
  • Lets our new scootching dog lick the baby's face and mouth
  • Shares a bath with my kids
  • Goes lake swimming and doesn't shower after
  • Lets Maya mix up her Play-Doh colors (HORROR!)
  • Mixes up a nice batch of raw meatloaf with her bare hands and then merely wipes them on a kitchen towel
  • Throws away all my Clorox wipes and hand sani

  • Lets my kids eat carrots freshly plucked out of the soil
  • Makes mud-pies with the kids and looks away when Naomi actually takes a bite
  • And likes her chicken pink in the middle.

Maybe they'd even bring in the lady from the infamous "High Meat" household. (Hilarious sidenote: My husband names his character "High Meat" when he plays MMORPGs.)

"It's got a wang to it."

"Do you believe that God would put anything on this earth to hurt us?"

Yeah, I don't know, how about motherfucking sharks?

...Or listeria, or E. Coli, or rabid bats, or salmonella, or lice, or yellowjackets, or jerkoffs in grade school who throw encyclopedias at your head, or crocodiles, or campylobacter, or bears, or or strep, or staph, or legionella, or leprosy, or cholera, or hungry lions, or Lady Gaga??

Just to name a few.

But I digress.

Anyway, I think the wife they paired my husband with would do all these things and more.

...Or else she'd just be really fun and outgoing and actually take the kids places and get her butt off the internet. You know, whatever.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Things I Do.

It's been a coon's age since I've done one of these. To be quite honest, I can't remember just which Things I Do I've already shared. Deal, bishes. Anyway, here you go. I present More Things I Do:

  • When I close a scissors (a scissor?), I do it very far away from my head, always convinced I'm going to cut off my hair.

  • When I drive by a semi-truck or one passes me, I get a major panic attack. Hard to breathe, hard to think, racing heartbeat, goosebumps, the whole deal. I'm just positive that one of their wheels is going to explode, slamming into me and causing my demise, or that the truck will veer out of his lane and into me (I've had too many close calls to refer to this as an unfounded fear).

  • You already know this from my Great Wuff post, but when I stay at a hotel, I clean EVERYTHING with Clorox wipes. From the obvious things like the phone, doorknobs, and alarm clocks, to things we will never even touch, like walls and windows and random accoutrement.

Why is this lady's entire arm and elbow touching the filthy floor??

One second thought, maybe cleaning the windows isn't a bad idea...

  • I have semi-hoarding tendencies. I have a hell of a time trying to get rid of (even donate) things that someone has bought for me. Especially if my mom bought them, since she is dirt poor and she spent HER MONEY on those things. I keep clothes, trinkets, decorations, any object, far longer than I should and have a terrible time parting with them. And books? Forget about it. I keep those fuckers forEVER. This is why our house is cluttered liek woah.

Could be worse. Could be cats.

  • I organize the dishwasher because of a paralyzing fear that I will get cut on knives. Knives go in one utensil basket, at the farthest place back, forks go in another, spoons in another, baby spoons in yet another. I never mix utensils. When I reach for the knives, I do so at a pace of about 0.000000001 mile per hour, still convinced I will get cut. Oh and yes, sometimes I reuse and rewash plastic utensils. Suck it, Trebek.

I should have been naked while I took this picture so you'd have a grotesque fun surprise 
when you looked at the shiny stuff.

 Remember this gem?

  • When the kids are awake and aren't going to sleep as expected, I want nothing more than for them to sleep, goddammit. When the kids are sleeping soundly, I worry that they have perished, and sometimes I will risk waking them up just to make sure they're alive.

  • I have to check the last word of a page several times because I'm convinced I didn't read it or absorb it. I stare at the word for awhile before I can move on to the next page.

  • I throw away perfectly good food because I worry it has spoiled. I waste soooo much money this way.

  • I think I've mentioned this one before, but I switch spoons or spatulas toward the end of cooking meat or eggs. This is because you use one tool to stir the raw meat or eggs, and as they cook, you jam the same damn  tool back in the pan, reinserting all those grody bacteria. I wait until the meat is almost completely done, then switch tools, then finish cooking it. AND SO SHALL YOU, EVERMORE.

Thus concludes this episode of Things I Do.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Fun Friendly Phobic Fact Friday! Tooth Hygiene Edition.

The first recorded use of toothpaste was about a thousand years ago by a Roman named Scibonius Largus. (Which translates to Large Bonerus.) <-- Outright lie

Anyway, Large Bonerus's toothpaste was a mixture of honey, salt, and ground motherfucking glass. 

Thank you, Colgate, for improving the formula.

Oh, and Ancient Spaniards use to dip their toothbrushes in human urine.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

So, I Wrote This Book.

Dear friends,

I wrote a novel when I was 18.

That was a great, great many years ago.

The book sucks, badly. I mean it's STUPID.

It is bizarre, to say the least. Oh, and it sucks.

But there are like five parts that still make me laugh out loud hysterically.

It's about a lunatic who is obsessed with the eradication of germs and contaminants.

Yeah, I see you smirking. You over there in the red. Shut up.

If I self-published this absolutely shit novel treasure on Kindle, would you read it?

Would you pay to read it?

What would you pay to read it?