Saturday, April 28, 2012

How to Bastardize Ratatouille. Bum-Bum Germs Stylee.

How to Cook Rattatoooeypie.

First, find an online ratatouille recipe that looks good. I found this here one. 2,000,000 reviews can't be wrong. Or 521. Bygones.

Shit, I messed up already. FIRST, be sure to watch Walt Disney's Ratatouille. So as 2 get in the mood. Find a chef's cap and a small disgusting rodent to place therein. THEN, find a good ratatouille recipe online. Like I says, I found this one.

Step one: Print it out. Step two: Tape it near your cooking area. Step three: Make sure not to follow any of it.

Then, coat a lovely glass pan with a fine fine garlic olive oil. Next, you wash all the vegetables. I said wash all the vegetables. WITH DISH SOAP.

Lather up that eggplant. Lather up those zucchinis. Yes, lather up that onion, even though you are going to take its skin off. You do not want to slice bum-bum germs straight into the sweet, firm white succulent sexy young flesh of an onion.

If you want to make sure you are on good terms with me, you will even wash the garlic. Then you peel that shit, mince that shit, and toss it in a pan of garlic olive oil. Then add in your clean, clean, fresh clean white onion. Sauté for a goodly bit. Then toss in some salt, pepper, parsley flakes, and oregano to taste. Sauté a bit more until that nonsense is translucent and delightfully rank.

Then, take your freshly scrubbed eggplant and peel. Cut, de-seed, scrape that shit out, do whatever you want to prepare your eggplant. Chop it into cubes, slices, trapezoids, I don't give a fuck. Toss with a bit more garlic olive oil.

Take your green pepper, yellow squash, and zucchini. If they have not been scrubbed to almost their very demise, throw everything away and start the fuck over: you obviously cannot follow directions. Begin again by WASHING THAT SHIT WITH SOAP. When you have reached this point again, with clean NON-  E.-coli vegetables this time, slice the green pepper, yellow squash, and zucchini into...slices. Mandolin stylee. All up in here.

If you happen to drop any stray vegetables on the floor, or God forbid the nasty nasty sink, DO NOT USE THAT PIECE REPEAT DO NOT USE THAT PIECE. This one went straight in the garbage:


Speaking of mushrooms....Now. Now comes the mushrooms. If you're like me, you'll go buy mushrooms, and then throw them promptly away, because mushrooms do not belong in food dishes. Ever. Except when you're feeling saucy. And today, I was feeling saucy. So you can either take your mushroom and do like Tenacious D and shove two of them up your ass, or throw them down the incinerator, or never buy them to begin with....or you can be bold and decide, "Mushrooms? Well why the fuck not. Even though they're groce."

But now comes the dilemma. Do you wash them, or not?

Now, if you google this issue, you'll get wildly varying opinions. Some swear you should never, ever, EVER wash fresh mushrooms, as it removes their delicious (???) flavor. Some say you should take a small firm brush and merely dust off the dirt, even if served raw.

Others say to perhaps take a cursory swipe of the shrooms with a damp cloth, and discard any gnarly stems. Other people? Other people in their right mind? Como yo? remind you that mushrooms are grown right in the motherfucking manure, yo. WASH THAT FUCKING SHIT WITH WATER. WASH IT. WASH IT.

So after you have washed your mushrooms to within an inch of their filthy lives, and possibly even swirled them about in soapy water, slice them. Do it.

Then glance at your recipe again, realize you've forgotten to sauté your eggplant first, scream "SCREW IT!" take a swig of any nearby wine, and go ahead and layer all your veggies. Extremely haphazardly. We're talking, ugly style. Throw that crap all about. No rhyme, no reason.

Stick a few chunks of eggplant here, three slices of green pepper there, and a handful of mushroom all in betwixt. Make sure it is as ugly as poss.

Then, drizzle about 400 calories of olive oil on top, add enough salt and pepper to raise your blood pressure to 160/100, and top with fairly thickly-sliced tomato. Which you surely have washed with dish soap. For to wash off all the hand germs, semen, fecal matter, dust, duck shit, salmonella, and sneeze.

Another "GOTCHA" to one of my favorite people, the Not So Special Mother Janice. :)

Once you have added those divine slices of tomato, add even more S&P. Because you only live once.

Then, top with your onion/garlic sauté mixture. ADD MORE S&P GODDAMMIT. I'm telling you.

Them top with great vast handfuls of shredded parmesan cheese.

(Make sure you have Clorox wipes directly visible in the background at all times.)

Finally, give another cursory glance at your recipe; realize you have done things completely fucking wrong, possibly due to the large amounts of Shiraz you've drunk; say a prayer to the Patron Saint of Pixar movies; and throw that motherfucker in the oven at 350 for 45 minutes. Result:

Tasty, toasty, melty, ugly, random, delicious, cheesy vegetable goodness.

For that Extra Wow Factor, add birthday candles.

Just kidding, don't.

I hope you enjoy your Ratatouille a la Bum-Bum Germs. Mine was spectacular.


Can You Hang With the In Crowd?

We're in with the in crowd,
We're too hip to go outside.
We're in with the in crowd,
Indoors where the cool cats hide.

We love stayin' in all day
Our biggest kick is puttin' stuff away.
In the drawers, in the fridge, in the closet,
You don't know 'in' till you've made a deposit.

Hey we're the in crowd,
That crazy in crowd.
Yeah, we're the in crowd...
In with the in crowd.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Housebound. Locked In. Terrified of the World. Ashamed.

When I say I am a stay-at-home mom, I mean I am a STAY-AT-HOME mom. We almost never go anywhere. Not to the grocery store (I pass off that duty to my husband); not to the park; not the children's museum; not to play-dates; and never, ever to indoor play-places (McDonalds, the mall, etc.).

We stay at home.

Home is safe; home is clean. At home, we are not breathing other people's germs, and we are not touching anything that has been touched with unwashed hands. Our house may be a little cluttered, we may have a little too much stuff, but it's clean. The rest of the world? Filthy and disease-ridden and scary and overwhelming and panic-inducing. I've learned that wherever we go, someone is always sick. Always.

Even when I try to venture out, beyond my comfort zone, someone somewhere sneezes on us, and my breathing constricts, and my stress hormones surge, and my panic rises. I think to myself, "We are doomed. We can't win. We can't win."

Someone, wherever we go, is always sick. And I can't have that.

So my children suffer. We almost never even go into our own backyard, for heaven's sake. So inside, we remain. Safe. Bored. Antsy. No new things. No learning. No experiences. No stimulation. 

I am terrified that one day my daughters will sing this song. Because of me.

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you
I am afraid

I'm sorry, my loves.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The ABCs of OCD.

is for Alcohol wipes containing at least 65% ethyl alcohol. To be used at least every time you touch anything. Ever. 

is for Bleach. Straight up, please. On the rocks if I'm feeling saucy. Too, B is for Bacitracin. And obvi Bum-bum germs. Bygones?

is for Clorox Wipes. I mean Come On.

is for Dial antibacterial soap. The original germ-buster. D is also for Doctors' offices, the absolute bane of my wretched existence.

is for Escherichia coli. Can be avoided by changing your cooking utensils 3/4 of the way through.

is for Fecal matter. You're welcome.

 is for Germ-X.

is for Hand-sani, Hoarding tendencies, Hotels, and Hot tin slides, baby.

is for Intrusive thoughts ("unwelcome, involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing or paralyzing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate."). Specifically, Intrusive Thoughts of the folded-up treadmill falling down onto the tender skull of my secondborn. Or maybe "I" should be for It's more likely than you think.

is for JoJo, Purveyor of the Sanitary Way.

 is for Kill it with fire.

is for Lice. DNW. Listeria, Lysol Wipes, Lysistrata. Because Lysistrata popped into my head just now. Thank you, Advanced Placement English 1996.

is for Mommy Juice. See also; wine. Def: What mommies must resort to by at least 5 pm on your average weekday. M is also for the McPlaguePlace; Matchsticking a dog; and Medication, buttloads of.

 is for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. And if you don't know that, you haven't been around my blog long, child, have you.

is for Purell. Like DUH. Perhaps Patron Saints. Possibly Pit of despair. Also Poop. On a hot tin slide.

 is for Quips, Witty. What I like to hide my pain behind.

 is for Rape showers. What I take when I come home from my Acid Test Friends' house.

is for Sani-Hands. Or Salmonella poisoning? S is for Shitpaws. Also known 'round these parts as feline feet. Which step all over and dig amongst their litterboxes turds. And then walk all over your pillow and food-prep surfaces. S is also for Sneeze. Because, I mean:

is for Things I do; Tin slides, hot; and Terrence Howard.

is for Urine: What not to brush your teeth with.

is for vomiting. Please do not do so in my presence. V is also for Vanna White's bum-bum germs. Because that's how I roll.

is for WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS. And of course Wine; see also, mommy juice.

XYZ XYH PDQ is for Xamine Your Hygiene; Please Do it Quickly.

is for Yersinia pestis. You know, BUBONIC PLAGUE.

Z is for Zebra. Because, I mean, Zebra.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

"Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% swine flu."

World's first lickable wallpaper installed in the UK.

Apparently some poor poor misguided soul decided to go ahead and install hundreds of Jaffa Cakes on the wall of an elevator so that people could lick to their hearts' content. 

What are you a wizard, a genius?

Listen, people. I'm all for a good Jaffa Cake.  Light, fluffy cookie; delicious, delicious strangely gelatinous orange filling; delicate chocolate coating, what could be wrong with a Jaffa Cake?

Until you glue them to a public surface and let people graze.

Not to fear, the head honchos swear that once a cookie is licked, it is removed. *snort* Because I'm sure that Jeeves the Bellboy can keep an eye on just which of the hundreds of cookies have been defiled and immediately takes that particular cookie off. Spit-spot! As it were.

I would rather someone just came up with Fizzy Lifting Drinks. *braaaaaaap*

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Grosseries & Grotesqueries.

As you may have noticed, I have a keen, keen eye for assaults on my sense of hygienia, for egregious health hazards, and for downright disgustitudes. (As indeed have I a keen eye for spotting hand sani everywhere.)

Today I was watching MTV's True Life, because, AWESOME. And this chick? who has a compulsive shopping habit? has THIS under her fingernails:

What in the figurative fuck. Are you for real right now because I'm afraid I can't even. You accidentally some handsoap.


There was recently this commercial for something like jam, and this little four-year-old girl had the filthiest figernails I've ever seen. I was like, "Seriously? For a commercial? With a close-up on the hands? And they couldn't scrub those paws up a little?" I mean, heavens, don't hire a hand model for a tot touting the tastiness of Smuckers, but sweet Moses. WASH HER HANDS.

And yes, I curse myself fortnightly that I didn't snap a pic of that commercial.


Then there's THIS BASIC BITCH who has the same problem. Well, she has lots of problems, some worse than others. Por ejemplo, she drinks five bottles of nail polish a day.


Anyway, I was watching "My Strange Addiction" when I spied this atrocity. I direct your eye to her thumbnail. Now I direct your eye to me, hunched over the porcelain throne, making an offering to the toilet gods.


In a similar vein, this lady on the same show is "addicted to" her pillow. Fine. Dandy. Great. Super. Right? 

Except that she BOUGHT it at an ANTIQUE store. It was a used pillow to begin with. Also? she has never washed it, not ever.





In other What Is This Fuckery, Jennifer Lawrence (you know, Katniss) doesn't wash her hands after using public bathrooms. Apparently she is "notorious for her quick bathroom breaks," and she states, “I had this theory that hand washing is overrated. And it was true: The bathroom door had the same bacteria as the toilet seat, and the sink was the dirtiest part – it was dirtier than the toilet handle.”

My thoughts on the matter?

Let's break this down.

1nd: It is unlikely that the bathroom sink is dirtier than the flush handle, as someone with bum-bum germs on their hands would get those v. same germs on the flusher AND the sink--they're all the same germ. I'm not insinuating that the sink is cleaner than the flusher, but they both have bum-bum germs. Why would your hands be dirtier as you wash them, than when you just flushed the toilet moments ago? Where are these extra germs coming from in between the flush and the wash?

2rd: Don't fucking touch the flusher with your hands. Didn't Auntie JoJo teach you anything? If one person flushes with their shoe, then you have to too. Sorry.

3th: Let's pretend for a moment J.Law is right about the sink being the dirtiest place in the restroom. This begs the following questions: (a) Who goes around TOUCHING the inside of a public restroom sink? it's not like people are filling up the sink bowl at Denny's and using it to splash water on their faces; and (ii) Has she never heard of ways to avoid getting the germs from sink handles? The same goes for...

4st: ...The part about how she says the bathroom door has the same bacteria as the toilet seat. She's not wrong about that, but again, doesn't she know there are ways around touching the bathroom door, ways that do not involve NOT WASHING YOUR HANDS?

5rd: What does J.Law do when she makes a duke in a public restroom? Still not wash her hands? Lord have mercy. I may perish.

6pf: Someone needs to teach J.Law The Way of the Public Restroom. It is easy. First, you use the restroom, being careful not to transfer germs to your pants zipper or button. You may even turn the lock with toilet paper, if you wish. Proceed to your bidness. Next, you flush with your shoe. Then, you go out and roll down the paper towel first. YES FIRST. Then, you wash thoroughly with soap. THEN, you tear off the paper towel and dry your hands, then use the same paper towel to turn OFF the water. Then, use the paper towel to also open the bathroom door upon exiting. IT'S JUST THAT EASY. It doesn't take any longer; it just means reversing a few of the things you do anyway.

CONCLUSION: Is J.Law nuts? Why doesn't she know how to clean her hands and not pick up unwanted germs? What does she do when she takes a poo? Does she wash at home, even though home bathroom sinks are also very dirty? Can a CONCLUSION be full of questions and still be a CONCLUSION? Who maintains things around here anyway?

"Oops I accidentally some fecal matter"

"My hygiene would make you hergle blergle"

"What are, my thoughts on washing, Trebek?"



Just saw another disgustitude.

Was totally watching Teen Mom SHUT UP, and the youngster in question was at a college and couldn't find anywhere to change her baby's poopy diaper. So what did she do? Go out to her car and change her on the seat or in the hatchback? Find an empty classroom and change her on a desk? Change her on the godforsaken carpet in the hallway? OF COURSE NOT. No, the obvious choice to this whippersnapper was to sit on the public toilet, sit right on it fully clothed, her jeans absorbing every droplet of piddle and smear of shit and hint of STD, and change her baby's diaper that way.

Genius, right? brb vomiting forever


Seriously, she has not EVER WASHED IT.


And that concludes this edition of, "Gross Stuff on the Embarrassing Programs I Was Watching and I'll Thank You To Stay Out of My Personal Affairs."