Saturday, April 28, 2012

How to Bastardize Ratatouille. Bum-Bum Germs Stylee.

How to Cook Rattatoooeypie.

First, find an online ratatouille recipe that looks good. I found this here one. 2,000,000 reviews can't be wrong. Or 521. Bygones.

Shit, I messed up already. FIRST, be sure to watch Walt Disney's Ratatouille. So as 2 get in the mood. Find a chef's cap and a small disgusting rodent to place therein. THEN, find a good ratatouille recipe online. Like I says, I found this one.

Step one: Print it out. Step two: Tape it near your cooking area. Step three: Make sure not to follow any of it.



Then, coat a lovely glass pan with a fine fine garlic olive oil. Next, you wash all the vegetables. I said wash all the vegetables. WITH DISH SOAP.



Lather up that eggplant. Lather up those zucchinis. Yes, lather up that onion, even though you are going to take its skin off. You do not want to slice bum-bum germs straight into the sweet, firm white succulent sexy young flesh of an onion.

If you want to make sure you are on good terms with me, you will even wash the garlic. Then you peel that shit, mince that shit, and toss it in a pan of garlic olive oil. Then add in your clean, clean, fresh clean white onion. Sauté for a goodly bit. Then toss in some salt, pepper, parsley flakes, and oregano to taste. Sauté a bit more until that nonsense is translucent and delightfully rank.



Then, take your freshly scrubbed eggplant and peel. Cut, de-seed, scrape that shit out, do whatever you want to prepare your eggplant. Chop it into cubes, slices, trapezoids, I don't give a fuck. Toss with a bit more garlic olive oil.

Take your green pepper, yellow squash, and zucchini. If they have not been scrubbed to almost their very demise, throw everything away and start the fuck over: you obviously cannot follow directions. Begin again by WASHING THAT SHIT WITH SOAP. When you have reached this point again, with clean NON-  E.-coli vegetables this time, slice the green pepper, yellow squash, and zucchini into...slices. Mandolin stylee. All up in here.




If you happen to drop any stray vegetables on the floor, or God forbid the nasty nasty sink, DO NOT USE THAT PIECE REPEAT DO NOT USE THAT PIECE. This one went straight in the garbage:


DO NOT LET FILTHY VEG HAPPEN TO YOU.


Speaking of mushrooms....Now. Now comes the mushrooms. If you're like me, you'll go buy mushrooms, and then throw them promptly away, because mushrooms do not belong in food dishes. Ever. Except when you're feeling saucy. And today, I was feeling saucy. So you can either take your mushroom and do like Tenacious D and shove two of them up your ass, or throw them down the incinerator, or never buy them to begin with....or you can be bold and decide, "Mushrooms? Well why the fuck not. Even though they're groce."

But now comes the dilemma. Do you wash them, or not?

Now, if you google this issue, you'll get wildly varying opinions. Some swear you should never, ever, EVER wash fresh mushrooms, as it removes their delicious (???) flavor. Some say you should take a small firm brush and merely dust off the dirt, even if served raw.




Others say to perhaps take a cursory swipe of the shrooms with a damp cloth, and discard any gnarly stems. Other people? Other people in their right mind? Como yo? remind you that mushrooms are grown right in the motherfucking manure, yo. WASH THAT FUCKING SHIT WITH WATER. WASH IT. WASH IT.



So after you have washed your mushrooms to within an inch of their filthy lives, and possibly even swirled them about in soapy water, slice them. Do it.

Then glance at your recipe again, realize you've forgotten to sauté your eggplant first, scream "SCREW IT!" take a swig of any nearby wine, and go ahead and layer all your veggies. Extremely haphazardly. We're talking, ugly style. Throw that crap all about. No rhyme, no reason.



Stick a few chunks of eggplant here, three slices of green pepper there, and a handful of mushroom all in betwixt. Make sure it is as ugly as poss.

Then, drizzle about 400 calories of olive oil on top, add enough salt and pepper to raise your blood pressure to 160/100, and top with fairly thickly-sliced tomato. Which you surely have washed with dish soap. For to wash off all the hand germs, semen, fecal matter, dust, duck shit, salmonella, and sneeze.



Another "GOTCHA" to one of my favorite people, the Not So Special Mother Janice. :)



Once you have added those divine slices of tomato, add even more S&P. Because you only live once.

Then, top with your onion/garlic sauté mixture. ADD MORE S&P GODDAMMIT. I'm telling you.


Them top with great vast handfuls of shredded parmesan cheese.


(Make sure you have Clorox wipes directly visible in the background at all times.)

Finally, give another cursory glance at your recipe; realize you have done things completely fucking wrong, possibly due to the large amounts of Shiraz you've drunk; say a prayer to the Patron Saint of Pixar movies; and throw that motherfucker in the oven at 350 for 45 minutes. Result:


Tasty, toasty, melty, ugly, random, delicious, cheesy vegetable goodness.

For that Extra Wow Factor, add birthday candles.



Just kidding, don't.


I hope you enjoy your Ratatouille a la Bum-Bum Germs. Mine was spectacular.

Love,
Jo

23 comments:

  1. i didn't realize that ratatouille was a vegetarian dish. that makes me want to make it & eat it and love it! minus the birthday candles.

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  2. Right, Sherilin? It sounds like it has meat...maybe it's the Rat part. Rat-meat-a-touille. But yep, totes veg. It was divine. Please make sure to use birthday candles though. I'll expect photographic evidence. Or else.

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  3. LOL- Only you could make a recipe so hysterical!

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  4. Yums. I love ra-a touey also! Hubs does not so much, so can I come over and enjoy with you?

    So I basically think about you all the time now. We went to a music festival and camped for two night with A and every time I did something gross, she did something gross, or I saw someone else do something gross, I thought of you. I took a shower in the communal shower and forgot my crocs. So as I stood in the shower bare foot praying to the fungal gods, you were on my mind. And when we were eating pb sandwiches and trail mix and Alice immediately tossed the whole plate on the ground and then picked everything out of the grass and ate it one by one, I thought of you. Then I was intoxicated sat night, as was my BFF, and we were too hammered to find her toothbrush in the dark I just let her use mine. Are we breaking up after that last one? Also I did not bath my child the whole time and she was pretty rough when we got home last night.

    So how does it feel that you are constantly in my thoughts :) ????

    ps> i don't wash my mushrooms!!!! just sponge them off with a damp paper towel.

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    1. Well if we weren't broken up after you shared your toothbrush, we certainly were after I learned you do not rinse your mushrooms.

      Just kidding.

      We were totally broken up after just the toothbrush thing.

      Next time, just go with fuzzy teeth and skip the sharing thing. For the love of...me.

      Oh, but it does make me slightly giddy that I am CONST. IN YR THOTS.

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    2. And also plus but WHYYYY don't you rinse your mushrooms?! WHY!

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    3. No thoughts on the shower with no flops??? Interesting.

      In all fairness i dont love shrooms so i have cooked fresh ones all of like 3 times in my 32 years.

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    4. Sorry, the rest of the comment was so horrifying that I forgot to reply about the shower. ;)

      Yes, that is gross to the max. I hope you went home and started a strict regime of anti-fungal spray immed.

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  5. I LURVS THIS POST. 4 OBVS REASONS.

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    1. It was the birthday candles, wasn't it.

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    2. You should cook Ratatouille and post about it and then we can see how our cooking (and hygiene) methods vary. lol. But I am QUITE CERTAIN that after reading my post, you will soap up your zucchini. Sexy style.

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    3. TOTES sexy style. I might even shoot a vid with some obligatory 70's p0rn-0 musak in the backgorund. *brown chicken brown cow...*

      I probably have a recipe for ratty-tooie laying around somewheres. Not that I've ever made it, as it's probably now buried under the 40 recipes I tore out of the Bon Appetit mags I found at my mom's house. "Pineapple Upside Down Pancakes"...that is TOTALLY happening at my house this weekend. Because...BOOZE in the syrup. For breakfast. NOMNOM,GLUGGLUG,NOMNOM.

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    4. ahahahahah @ brown chicken brown cow

      Also, yay 4 bewze any time of day.

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    5. PS--from a technical standpoint, the lighting from the birfday candles was actually quite fabulous....

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    6. P.P.S - perhaps your next cooking adventure gets a guest post over at my bliggity-blog?

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    7. Totes guest post! And feel free to c/p or link to any of my blogs over there if you think they relate. :)

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    8. Like I did on my "grow your own bum bum germs" post? ;)

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  6. I don't eat mushrooms because they taste like dirt. So there!

    Also, I now wash almost all fruits and vegetables with dish soap. Thanks to Auntie JoJo. :) I still can't bring myself to wash leafy veggies with soap though...even though you told me to! I soak them in water and rinse the shit out of them (hopefully literally), but I just can't go the soap route...

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    1. They taste like dirt for a good reason!! :) Usually I just can't stand mushrooms. I don't know what came over me. But they were great in this dish, mostly because I didn't really know when I was eating them versus eggplant, and everything absorbed all of the garlicy goodness.

      Oh, and yes, leafy greens are awfully difficult to wash. Try a saltwater soak like you could do with strawberries or raspberries?

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    2. My life is forever changed thanks to the strawberry saltwater soak. It really does make them taste better.

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    3. I peel my mushrooms. i promise. you're welcome. use a paring knife and peel the caps. i throw the stems away. i also wash the rest of the shroom - wash first...then peel...then i slice or w/e

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  7. Damn you Jo! Damn you and your sneeze picture!

    But a great recipe. You are quite the cook, little Jo! (Even the rat washed his hands, did you notice? Of course you did.)

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