Saturday, April 14, 2012

Grosseries & Grotesqueries.

As you may have noticed, I have a keen, keen eye for assaults on my sense of hygienia, for egregious health hazards, and for downright disgustitudes. (As indeed have I a keen eye for spotting hand sani everywhere.)

Today I was watching MTV's True Life, because, AWESOME. And this chick? who has a compulsive shopping habit? has THIS under her fingernails:

What in the figurative fuck. Are you for real right now because I'm afraid I can't even. You accidentally some handsoap.


There was recently this commercial for something like jam, and this little four-year-old girl had the filthiest figernails I've ever seen. I was like, "Seriously? For a commercial? With a close-up on the hands? And they couldn't scrub those paws up a little?" I mean, heavens, don't hire a hand model for a tot touting the tastiness of Smuckers, but sweet Moses. WASH HER HANDS.

And yes, I curse myself fortnightly that I didn't snap a pic of that commercial.


Then there's THIS BASIC BITCH who has the same problem. Well, she has lots of problems, some worse than others. Por ejemplo, she drinks five bottles of nail polish a day.


Anyway, I was watching "My Strange Addiction" when I spied this atrocity. I direct your eye to her thumbnail. Now I direct your eye to me, hunched over the porcelain throne, making an offering to the toilet gods.


In a similar vein, this lady on the same show is "addicted to" her pillow. Fine. Dandy. Great. Super. Right? 

Except that she BOUGHT it at an ANTIQUE store. It was a used pillow to begin with. Also? she has never washed it, not ever.





In other What Is This Fuckery, Jennifer Lawrence (you know, Katniss) doesn't wash her hands after using public bathrooms. Apparently she is "notorious for her quick bathroom breaks," and she states, “I had this theory that hand washing is overrated. And it was true: The bathroom door had the same bacteria as the toilet seat, and the sink was the dirtiest part – it was dirtier than the toilet handle.”

My thoughts on the matter?

Let's break this down.

1nd: It is unlikely that the bathroom sink is dirtier than the flush handle, as someone with bum-bum germs on their hands would get those v. same germs on the flusher AND the sink--they're all the same germ. I'm not insinuating that the sink is cleaner than the flusher, but they both have bum-bum germs. Why would your hands be dirtier as you wash them, than when you just flushed the toilet moments ago? Where are these extra germs coming from in between the flush and the wash?

2rd: Don't fucking touch the flusher with your hands. Didn't Auntie JoJo teach you anything? If one person flushes with their shoe, then you have to too. Sorry.

3th: Let's pretend for a moment J.Law is right about the sink being the dirtiest place in the restroom. This begs the following questions: (a) Who goes around TOUCHING the inside of a public restroom sink? it's not like people are filling up the sink bowl at Denny's and using it to splash water on their faces; and (ii) Has she never heard of ways to avoid getting the germs from sink handles? The same goes for...

4st: ...The part about how she says the bathroom door has the same bacteria as the toilet seat. She's not wrong about that, but again, doesn't she know there are ways around touching the bathroom door, ways that do not involve NOT WASHING YOUR HANDS?

5rd: What does J.Law do when she makes a duke in a public restroom? Still not wash her hands? Lord have mercy. I may perish.

6pf: Someone needs to teach J.Law The Way of the Public Restroom. It is easy. First, you use the restroom, being careful not to transfer germs to your pants zipper or button. You may even turn the lock with toilet paper, if you wish. Proceed to your bidness. Next, you flush with your shoe. Then, you go out and roll down the paper towel first. YES FIRST. Then, you wash thoroughly with soap. THEN, you tear off the paper towel and dry your hands, then use the same paper towel to turn OFF the water. Then, use the paper towel to also open the bathroom door upon exiting. IT'S JUST THAT EASY. It doesn't take any longer; it just means reversing a few of the things you do anyway.

CONCLUSION: Is J.Law nuts? Why doesn't she know how to clean her hands and not pick up unwanted germs? What does she do when she takes a poo? Does she wash at home, even though home bathroom sinks are also very dirty? Can a CONCLUSION be full of questions and still be a CONCLUSION? Who maintains things around here anyway?

"Oops I accidentally some fecal matter"

"My hygiene would make you hergle blergle"

"What are, my thoughts on washing, Trebek?"



Just saw another disgustitude.

Was totally watching Teen Mom SHUT UP, and the youngster in question was at a college and couldn't find anywhere to change her baby's poopy diaper. So what did she do? Go out to her car and change her on the seat or in the hatchback? Find an empty classroom and change her on a desk? Change her on the godforsaken carpet in the hallway? OF COURSE NOT. No, the obvious choice to this whippersnapper was to sit on the public toilet, sit right on it fully clothed, her jeans absorbing every droplet of piddle and smear of shit and hint of STD, and change her baby's diaper that way.

Genius, right? brb vomiting forever


Seriously, she has not EVER WASHED IT.


And that concludes this edition of, "Gross Stuff on the Embarrassing Programs I Was Watching and I'll Thank You To Stay Out of My Personal Affairs."


  1. I thought about you when I saw that "obsessed with my pillow" My Strange Addiction. That thing was NASTY.

    Has anyone ever taken your pre-dispensed paper towel when in a public restroom? Or can you only do that when you're the only one in the bathroom?

  2. Ha! You saw it too. Wasn't that the worst?

    And yes, people take my pre-dispensed towel all the time. I'm like, "I did n't just roll that down for you, sucka." But I still roll it down even when I'm not the only one in there and take my chances.

  3. i would probably take your rolled down towel too cuz it's not like i'm gonna wait around til you're done. and i probably think you forgot the right order if i see you do it. i like to roll down the towel with my elbow or wrist if it's possible to avoid toughing with the freshly washed hands. and i was pretty excited one day when i saw a wrist hook thing on a bathroom door around face height. it was for hoooking your arm into for opeing the door without touching it. genious!

    1. But I mean...if my towel is already rolled down, that means I was at the sink first. And I started washing first. So why is anyone finishing washing before I do? It's not like I scrub up for 15 minutes. So anyone who steals my paper towel is a double asshole because (1) they obvi only took a mere three seconds to dampen their fingers and (2) they stole my paper towel.

      I don't like to use my wrist to roll down the towel, because, then you have a bad case of bum-bum wrists.

    2. i'll take bum-bum wrists any day over bum-bum hands since i typically avoid eating with my wrists or touching my child.
      and if i'm midwash when you roll out your towel, i'll be finished washing first. so the next portion of towel would be mine. or do you wait to roll it out until every person washing has completed their wash?

    3. Oh, if someone is already washing, I will employ the technique detailed below, involving first tearing off the paper towel and holding it under my arm as I wash. :)

  4. At my work the bathrooms all have two sinks, but one paper towel dispenser. If I come out of a stall and someone has already started washing her hands, I can't roll down the paper towel because she'll be done before me and have no option but to take my towel. So, what do you do?!?

    1. OOOOOH. I like a challenge! Hmm. I would roll down the paper towel, then tear it off (even with "dirty" hands), trying not to touch it much. I would hold it kind of under my armpit as I awkwardly washed. Then I'd use it to dry my hands and turn the faucets off. Yes, this has happened before. :)

    2. I should also mention the faucets are automatic! No need to turn them off. :) So you wouldn't feel comfortable using your sleeve or something to roll down the paper towel?

      ALSO: how do you feel about hand dryers??

    3. I love automatic everything, except for blow-dryers. I've not only "heard tell," but I feel instinctively, that they just blow germs all over creation. :((( Somewhere I read that those "super dryers," those kind of blowers that make your skin look like it's being subjected to 10 G, spread tons of germs. Plus, bathrooms with ONLY blow-dryers have no way to cleanly open the door. GROCE.

      I have used my sleeve in a pinch, and it's far better than some alternatives, but I'd rather have my water, soap, AND paper towels be automatic. :)

  5. Ugh. Just..ugh. Firstly, you know how I feel about fake nails, so I'll not digress...but GRODY STUFFS BENEATH THE NAILS? Double ick. Ugh.

    Note: I wasn't able to get a pic, but I stopped at a interstate rest stop the other day that was DESIGNED FOR YOU, I swear it. The soap & sink and towel are all integrated. You stick your hands in the opening, and it automatically squirts out soap, and then about 3 seconds later the water comes on, so you HAVES to use soap every time. And then once the water shuts off, a paper towel feeds out from just above the sink. AMAZE I tell you.

    PS--My Friday post this week is an ode to Earth Day that I think you will appreciate. BAM--you have been teased, not spoiled.

    1. That's pretty kickass about the "insists you use soap" sink. Awesome!! I just hope the water comes on long enough. I hate those "push knob" water faucets for SO MANY REASONS, but specifically because they only give you a short burst of water.