Thursday, April 19, 2012

The ABCs of OCD.

is for Alcohol wipes containing at least 65% ethyl alcohol. To be used at least every time you touch anything. Ever. 


is for Bleach. Straight up, please. On the rocks if I'm feeling saucy. Too, B is for Bacitracin. And obvi Bum-bum germs. Bygones?

is for Clorox Wipes. I mean Come On.

is for Dial antibacterial soap. The original germ-buster. D is also for Doctors' offices, the absolute bane of my wretched existence.



is for Escherichia coli. Can be avoided by changing your cooking utensils 3/4 of the way through.

is for Fecal matter. You're welcome.


 is for Germ-X.

is for Hand-sani, Hoarding tendencies, Hotels, and Hot tin slides, baby.

is for Intrusive thoughts ("unwelcome, involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that may become obsessions, are upsetting or distressing or paralyzing, and can be difficult to manage or eliminate."). Specifically, Intrusive Thoughts of the folded-up treadmill falling down onto the tender skull of my secondborn. Or maybe "I" should be for It's more likely than you think.



is for JoJo, Purveyor of the Sanitary Way.


 is for Kill it with fire.

is for Lice. DNW. Listeria, Lysol Wipes, Lysistrata. Because Lysistrata popped into my head just now. Thank you, Advanced Placement English 1996.




is for Mommy Juice. See also; wine. Def: What mommies must resort to by at least 5 pm on your average weekday. M is also for the McPlaguePlace; Matchsticking a dog; and Medication, buttloads of.


 is for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. And if you don't know that, you haven't been around my blog long, child, have you.

is for Purell. Like DUH. Perhaps Patron Saints. Possibly Pit of despair. Also Poop. On a hot tin slide.



 is for Quips, Witty. What I like to hide my pain behind.

 is for Rape showers. What I take when I come home from my Acid Test Friends' house.

is for Sani-Hands. Or Salmonella poisoning? S is for Shitpaws. Also known 'round these parts as feline feet. Which step all over and dig amongst their litterboxes turds. And then walk all over your pillow and food-prep surfaces. S is also for Sneeze. Because, I mean:




is for Things I do; Tin slides, hot; and Terrence Howard.

is for Urine: What not to brush your teeth with.

is for vomiting. Please do not do so in my presence. V is also for Vanna White's bum-bum germs. Because that's how I roll.


is for WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS. And of course Wine; see also, mommy juice.

XYZ XYH PDQ is for Xamine Your Hygiene; Please Do it Quickly.

is for Yersinia pestis. You know, BUBONIC PLAGUE.



Z is for Zebra. Because, I mean, Zebra.


8 comments:

  1. that's a new twist on the alphabet!

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  2. I'd like to see everyone's ABCs!

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  3. Hey, you got me with the sneeze picture again! Curse you!

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  4. Now that's a creative take on the alphabet!

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