Tuesday, November 1, 2011

On a Serious Note.

Well, I managed to survive Halloween, barely. I really did have several moments of absolute panic when I thought of my kid reaching in all those bowls of candy. Like, full-blown anxiety attacks. And now I think I'm going to have to either wash my hands every single time after touching any of the candy to open for my daughter, or else put the candy away for a couple of weeks until I think all the potential cold germs have died slow suffering deaths. That doesn't account for the bum-bum germs on the candy though. Do bum-bum germs ever die?


I'm still seeing my doctor to try to get this OCD under control. So far she's got me on a cocktail of medications so wild that it would blow your mind and destroy your pansy liver, but you see, my liver is made of steel. Things don't affect me like they affect the typical person: caffeine, alcohol, painkillers, all medication really. And that sucks.

Certain symptoms of mine are much more under control (I was seeing her for atypical depression as well, so long as we're airing my dirty laundry), but the OCD is completely untouched. I'm on 3982743279.5 drugs and my OCD is all, "IN YOUR FACE, SUCKER! You can't TOUCH me!!"

And I'm on some hardcore shit. I take all these pills and sometimes more each day:

If you look at this, doesn't this kind of look like a sideways infinity symbol? Fitting, no?

And do you think they're working for my OCD? In a word:

That is to say, 

So I don't know what to tell ya. I'm still seeing my doc on a regular basis, and we're still tweaking this and increasing that and adding this, but right now, OCD still has the upper hand, and I still constantly tell Maya "DON'T TOUCH!" and use hand sani up to my elbows 259 times a day and shroud my baby in Saran-wrap and so forth.

Honestly, I've lost faith. When motherfucking KLONOPIN didn't do jack squat for me, I lost faith. I truly believe nothing can calm down my OCD symptoms, mostly because, see, I still believe I'm right about the things I'm afraid of. I still believe know there ARE germs on things like restaurant tables and ketchup bottles and McPlaguePlaces and people's hands and doorknobs, etc. I will never be OK with my baby slobbering on a shopping cart handle or making out with a Saint Bernard.

There's no drug that will make me forget that there are germs on things, and I don't think there are any drugs that will make me be OK with me or my family ingesting or spreading about those germs or not washing them off at our earliest convenience.

When I was seeing a shrink about this, he said there was a little tiny blue area of the brain responsible for panic or fear or worry or concern that you could turn up or turn down. He said mine was obviously cranked way, way up. (Thank you Captain Obvious!! Now here's 300 American dollars for your diagnosis).

He said that medication could easily crank this "blue area" of my brain down. He prescribed meds. Then later my other doctor prescribed meds. Lots of meds. Lots and lots of meds. But it's just not working. I don't think anything can crank it down. I really don't. I think the little blue area of my brain will stay cranked up to red. Code Red. Forever.

I really do feel hopeless about it all.


  1. Holy shit. Please tell me a bunch of those pills are vitamins or something...because that's a lot of medication! I'm so sorry they're not working for your OCD. :( That really sucks.

    I guess you'll know when they're working because you won't necessarily forget that there are germs on things, but you just won't CARE about the germs on things. All of us who read your blog now know a lot more about germs (thanks, Jo!), but it just doesn't bother us like it bothers you. Sure we all take precaution against germs and the like, but if my kid wants to eat a Costco sample without washing his hands first, I just shrug and don't worry about it.

    I promise it will happen for you one day. *hugs*

  2. Nope, I take vitamins in ADDITION to those meds. :(

    And sometimes I take additional meds. Even though they don't work. Sometimes I try anyway.

    I just don't see the day when I won't care about the germs. I keep hoping there's a cure in a pill, but I haven't found it yet.

  3. Holy Shit that is allot of pills in a day. OK I don't wanna sound all California and all but have you tried hypnosis? I know I know sounds corny bu I have had 3 friends of mine do it from everything from OCD 123 1234 lock the door to stop smoking and this shit works. What do you have to lose better that polluting your body with all those meds.

  4. You don't sound crazy to me. I absolutely believe hypnotherapy can work on a person. My mom was a licensed hypnotherapist for awhile, ages ago. I hadn't thought of that idea, though, so thank you for that suggestion.

    I keep looking for a cure in a pill, but I just can't seem to find it. So maybe I'll look into this...

  5. Sweet pea -- I'm right there with you on the germs thing. It bugs the shit out of me too; however, it does get to a point where I just say f*ck it and I guess that's the difference! Sorry to hear about your struggles; but you're right -- there are germs on EVERYTHING! Thankfully our bodies are designed to fight off most the dirty shit we ingest in a day. (fingernails are the worst!)

    btw... love what you did with your pills. You're funny even when you're trying to be serious!

    Best of luck! Hope you're able to find something that works for you :^)

  6. Thank you, Mommy2¢. I can't wait until I'm at the point where I can say fuck it. :)

  7. On a scientific note: You can freeze her candy, which will inactivate the bumbum germs, then, while still at a frozen temp, unwrap them & move them into a new bag that you, say, keep in the fridge. All the inactive bumbum germs and other bacteria will stay on the wrappers (but they can re-activate after they reach room temp again, but you'll have properly disposed of them by that time).

  8. Seems like a good plan, except that wouldn't the bum-bum germs reactivate as soon as they touched my warm fingers? Might as well just unwrap the candies without freezing them, and kind of without touching the candy part and dump them into a clean bag...dunno. Have to think this one through. Or, just keep washing after I give Maya a piece. Ugh. Stupid bum-bum germs.

  9. hrmm...maybe you should also wear frozen nitrile gloves. I can send you some from my work. ;)

  10. Hahahha. I love this extensive plot to get rid of BBG on Halloween candy. ;)

  11. Oh, we can TOTES get more elaborate than that. It might require some elaborate accounting fraud on my part, but it is possible. I can see it now, one of my railroad clients phoning me: "Um...why did we need a cylinder of liquid nitrogen, a sonic jewelry cleaner, and a case of Purell for this project?"

  12. Or you could just order these for Maya & Naomi... http://campblood.org/Other%20Stuff/kiddetox.jpg

  13. Snort. Doubles as a Halloween costume but is for actual functional purposes!!

  14. EXACTLY! They'll need gloves, too, of course...I love that about that costume...got full head gear & a respirator on it...but gloves? MEH. Who needs 'em!

  15. Mommy Bags is a genius, I immediatley thought of hypnotherapy as well.

  16. Jo, seems like anymore shrinks just prescribe meds and send you on your way; very little therapy involved. I thought I'd read in one of your posts that you were seeing a counselor. I was curious if you still are or have been to one in the past.
    Meds are great to help with symptoms but they don't change the root of the symptoms, which I know you know. (thinking aloud) You have a good grasp on where it started and what your triggers are. I'm wondering if some cognitive behavior therapy and hypnotherapy would help to ease some of the anxiety.Just my thoughts that ran through my mind.

  17. Chelle--I was seeing a psychiatrist, who basically prescribed me meds, there was no "talk therapy." Found out he wasn't covered by insurance, so just started seeing my family doc instead, since this seemed to be just a med thing. I've never seen anyone for cognitive therapy, but I'm looking into hypnotherapy. I think it's my best bet right now. Meds aren't working, and I'm taking SO MANY that it's kind of scary.

  18. Yeah, you're taking quite the cocktail of meds. Makes me wonder if they're counteracting each other. I think hypnotherapy would be a great start. I'm glad you're looking into it.