Friday, November 11, 2011

Ass Soup & Crack'ers.

Why do people take baths together? Why, in the name of the Father, the son, and the holy toast, why?

Isn't it just sitting there stewing in what I have deemed Ass Soup?

Oooh. Nothing says I love you like butt-soap froth on your face.

Solo baths are bad enough. When I want to take a bath, I shower first. It's just a Thing I Do. I wash all my bits in the shower, and then I soak in the tub, fresh as the proverbial daisy. I realize this is just too much effort for the vast majority of the American Public at Large. That it just doesn't occur to people to wash their asses before soaking in butt stew. But to soak with another person in butt stew, hiney goulash, or ass just--I--you can't--you must--you fucking have to realize, THAT'S. JUST. GROSS.



Now listen. I've done it. I've taken baths with boys before. WHOA, SHOCKER.

But I have. I've done it. And it was que romántica, especially as we lounged there to a CD full of soft Celtic tunes. But that was years ago, long before my OCD took a sharp turn for the worse.

And now, those romantic baths of yore are Right Out. Right out. Sorry, husband.

We also have a hot tub, and even though that bitch is chlorifuckinated to the max, I STILL have a hard time soaking in it with someone.

Before heading out to go lounge in it for a bit with my main man, I will ask nonchalantly, "How's your ass?" And he will answer without hesitation, "Pristine." Because he knows I don't even want to soak in a hot tub full of CHLORINE BLEACH-WATER with someone else's ass. That's OCD for ya.

[I'm sorry, I'd add one of my awesome pictures here, but Googling "two butts in a hot tub" did not yield any image results that I want my husband to see when he reads my blog. Sorry honey."]

Wait! Here's a safe one.

 What what, chicken butt!!

And another!

If that don't want to make you soak in butt stew, I don't know what will.

But still. All you people who take baths with your significant others. How do you do it? I've done it, in the ancient past, but remind me: How do you do it? Doesn't it bother you? Do you mind? Do you shower first? Will you still do it now that I've brought it to your attention? Will you now wonder, WWJD (What Would Jo Do)? Will you now forevermore be a little squicked out by sitting in bum-bum chowder? You're welcome.


  1. I have had no issues with this I just get in and get the deed done my friend. Hey quick question how do you do with pools?

  2. i like your colorful word play with the hiney goulash & ass soup today.
    we don't have a tub big enough for two, but if i were inclined toward such a thing, i'd have to make sure that no tub water touched my head. that's how i deal with all baths.

  3. I don't take baths. Showers only. That's been my SOP for years. I don't like swimming pools, and I avoid them, although I have been a pool maybe two times in the last ten years. I have NOT been in a bath tub in the last ten years. Hots tubs suck. I can actually feel myself drying out from the chemicals required to kill the bacteria, and the smell of it is enough to make you faint! What's the point?

    Say NO to baths!

    The (not so) Special Mother

  4. No issues, no concerns, no pre shower, just fill and soak. I have to wonder, have you ever given or been the recipient of oral pleasures LOL...If yes do you require junk to be Purelled first?

    Jaime aka Mommamaynard who doesn't want to deal with signing in on her iPad

  5. Bwahahahahah the word verifyer to comment was cough how totally appropriate!!! and I signed in after all causeI couldn't post anonymous

  6. "Bum-Bum Chowder" is my new favorite phrase!!

    We take showers together and our kids occasionally shower with one of us or the 2 of them together - Nobody takes baths up in here.

  7. Mommy bags: I will swim in pools, but honestly they gross me out. Chlorine kils germs, but it takes awhile to do so. So if someone jumps in with an ass full of bum-bum germs, the chlorine doesn't immediately kill them. So you're effectively swimming around in lots and lots of germs very time someone gets in, until the chlorine does its dirty work. So yeah, they skeeve me, but I will do it. I just always, ALWAYS shower after.

    Janice: Yeah, I take baths super rarely. It's such a hassle, anyway, to have to shower first. I mean, they're relaxing and nice once I'm in, but to shower, then to make sure the tub is sparkling clean, then to finally get in, I'm worn out.

    Sherilin: Do you wash off in the tub? Wish soap? Don't you feel like, even if you wash with soap, you're still soaking in the washed-off germs, so they're not really washed off at all? Just curious.

    Jaime: OMGLOLLLL! I will answer your question in my Q&A session that's coming up. :D

    MJ: Good for you. Co-showering = good times. Co-bathing = bum-bum chowder.

  8. Baths = Nope

    Showering with someone... I could probably do, as long as they didn't lose patience with how much actual cleaning/washing would occur.

  9. I don't think I've ever taken a bath with anyone else aside from as a child. I rarely take one now but I admit I shower after!

  10. I don't take baths! I'll take a good, long shower anytime!!

  11. I enjoy a good bath by myself--so long as the tub has been recently cleaned, and I'm bathing just to wash away stress--if I've actually been working hard all day (or have just gotten up for the day)...basically, if I need to wash my hair, I'll shower, because attempting to wash my hair in a bathtub is just ridic. It worked okay when I was a kid---not so much anymore.

    Me & the hubs co-shower on occasion, but like Alex said, it has to be sort of a "fun" shower, because attempting to ACTUALLY shower with another human is just a pain in the butt unless you have two showerheads. Someone always ends up cold.

    The only time I have taken a "co-bath" with someone was our honeymoon--but we both showered first because we were super-stank from having a July outdoor wedding and hugging 150 people who sat through a July outdoor wedding. There was a jacuzzi tub in our room so we chillaxed in that with some champagne after the shower.