Catch-Up.

Random fact of the day: In my world where everything has horrible germs on it, and I can't touch anything, I like to delude myself that germs cannot live on paper or cloth. Sometimes it's all that gets me through in life. I try to force myself to not wash my hands after touching papers that people have handed me, or to die a thousand deaths at sorting through some clothes someone donated to me (OK OK I STILL HAVE TO WASH AFTER THAT SECOND PART). But knowing that germs are everywhere, I still like to pretend they're not on fabric or paper. It gets me by, thinking those are safer to touch than, say, doorknobs and toilet flushers and restaurant menus and EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN WORLD. I like to think paper and cloth/fabric can't harbor germs. Even though I know I'm wrong. But let me enjoy my fantasy world.

This holds true except for USPS mail. After I open my mail I wash my hands with a quickness. Because, that's shit's been from New Jersey to Texas to Portland to Seattle and touched by millions of bum-bum germs and I can't have that.

But since you can't soak books in bleach before reading (yea though I've given this much thought and have attempted to perfect a scenario in which this is plausible), I have to take my chances and just bite the bullet and go for it and OMG TOUCH THINGS SOMETIMES.

---

In other news, Maya is back in Pre-K, and she's taking swimming lessons the same day, so our Mondays and Thursdays are really super busy. Stresses me out, the getting up early and the wrangling two kids just to get Maya home from school (unbuckling the giant heavy baby from her mystery carseat contraption just to take her inside for 340 second to pick up my big girl, the load everyone up, sani some hands, then go home and have Maya take off her shoes, strip down to her nudey pants--

--and wash her hands and wash my hands and use hand-sani again, and clean the baby and clean the lunchbox and just generally disinfect. Coming home from anywhere it far more complicated and stressful than packing up to go OUT, even though going out means loading up the entire house and the proverbial kitchen sink. Because coming home means there has to be a system in place whereby the kids' shoes are off and clothes are off and hands and clothes are cleaned immed before they touch anything. It's touch to wrangle--it's hard with just two kids--how do OCDers with more kids handle it?

Plus, Maya is a major nail-biter and always has her fingers in her mouth. I've trained her well not to touch her eyes or nose, but she bites her nails on the constant. Her fingers are always in the mouth. This makes kitty angry.

 So surely cold and flu germs are having a party in there, all up in her mouth from her grody nails. Good times.

As for swim class, it's driving my nuts. Maya has a good time just bobbing about in the ass soup bum-bum chowder water, but there's got to be more than taking one turn every 6 kids just to take one around a very small swimming zone, with no real instruction (the instructors just carry the kids through the water basically). I look at it like, it's a chance to get poor stifled Maya out of the house and do something that she enjoys, but I can't help wish we were getting our money's worth. They also scam us on time--classes are half an hour but we're lucky to get 20 minutes of time out of it, split among a whole bunch of kids. You can only spend so much tie going over "What's a pool rule?" (where the kids have no idea what he's even asking) or being asked "How do we use a paddle board, to we sit on it? Do we ride it like a horse? Nooooo!" before the kids are finally asked to jump in. And he doesn't teach kids to jump far without help (he underestimates their bravery), or to bob underwater, or other important things. I want some technique taught, and I'm not finding it. Oh well. We'll give it a few more tries before deciding whether to continue.

Either way, having Pre-K and swim on the same day is stressful to the max. I am a person who does not like to have anything on my schedule, anything looming in the future, appointments, dates with friends, doctors, etc. I look at my schedule and see flu shot vax appointments, routine vax appointments, play dates, coffee with a good friend, school, swim, and an upcoming birthday to plan, and I get really overwhelmed. I know I should be able to take this day by day, moment by moment, but I get so caught up in the overwhelmitude.

I just feel like I'm not equipped to deal with daily life. I mean, daily life means getting up early, getting breakfast going, packing lunches, taking the kids to school or playdates, trying to squeeze in the baby's nap, running errands, picking up Maya from school, usually making a Starbucks run for her for a kids' hot chocolate (because she's spoiled like that), and oh yes, cleaning this endless pit of a house that I cannot stay on top of. For someone who panics easily, it's tough to want to do anything or go anywhere, but when I give into that, that's just perpetuates the evil cycle of isolation and loneliness and depression. Then I just stay at home more or want to cancel every appointment on the book or whatever.

I fully expected life to get a little more assbutt difficult after Maya started Pre-K, and I'm trying to take it in stride, but the very moment that Maya comes home with the stomach flu or rotavirus H1N1, my first instinct will be to withdraw her from school again. Which I can't. It's not an option this time. Kid's gotta go to school. Mama has to suck it up.

So I guess we're in for it. A year or two of sick ALL the time,

Gotta put in my big-girl panties and buck up. But it's just so hard. I live with constant stress that eats away at my at night and makes me wake up at 4 am thinking 23749023709432 thoughts, none of which I can really control, but all of which upset me anyway. I'm a work in progress, but I sure as shit hope to see some progress soon.

Fun Friendly Phobic Fact Friday.

"Science Is Fun and Useful"

by Jo

This is one of the most kickass videos I've ever seen. (1) Because this guy is awesome; (2) because the wisdom he imparts is true and important re: the viruses with the highest-known fatality rates; and (3) because this guy is awesome.

So let's do watch.

(Totally can't get it to embed AARRRRGGGHH)

Let's just start with his opening line, "There's a lot of stuff out there that's trying to kill us, right now, and today, I'm gonna talk about the ones that are the best at it. The Five Deadliest Infectious Diseases in the World."

The 10 minute 23 second video is worth your while; however, if you're all tl;dr? and you don't feel like watching the entire thing? Then let me just summarize, BumBumStyle:

• The Spanish Flu (1917-1918) was a notorious infectious disease, also known as...wait for it...H1N1. It killed more than 30 million people worldwide. ( Now you may recall that in 2009 there was also mass hysteria over a resurgence of the pandemic H1N1, a.k.a. Swine Flu to the point that you could not find face masks or hand sani in any drugstore anywhere.) Anyway, the first outbreak had a case fatality rate of 20%, and apparently, 20% (!!) is so minor in the grand scheme of things that it's not even worth talking about. Bygones. Let's move on, shall we?

• Let's take Nipah, which has an average case fatality rate of about 50% (other online sources claim up to 75%). It seems that around 1999, pig farmers started coming down with respiratory issues, and inflammation of the brain that caused hallucinations, along with seizures (and should you wonder, no, "not the good kind of seizures," according to SciShow). What.

Outbreaks continued in India and Bangladesh, the disease mainly spread by bats, at which point and in which place the death rate became around 100 mother fucking percent. Are you hearing me. 100%. 

And what's worse, you suddenly didn't need a got-damn bat or pig or a batpig or a pigbat to give you Nipah, you get could get it human-to-human. And then you'd fucking die. Dead. Deceased. Of a miserable death.

Pigbat!!

In 2001, in Siliguri, India, there were cases of Nipah where 75% of cases were traced back to people who had merely visited the local hospital. Just by being there. In that building. Just by, say, strolling in to give a loved one some pink carnations and a "Get Well Soon" Mylar balloon. Maybe a Peace Lily or two.

"Get well soon! I hope you recover from your Nipah! As if!"

Perhaps best of all, according to the WHO, there is no treatment or vaccine available for either humans or animals. Which might explain why up to 100% of the people infected die dead.

So that is of little interest to you. After all, you do not live in Siliguri, India. So let's talk about H5N1 (commonly known as Bird Flu). 

• H5N1 didn't used to be easily transmissible to humans, but then scientists went and got all 10-year-old-boy on us and asked, "What would happen if I did this? Let's see if I can do this!! Let me dick around with something! What would happen if I did that? Let's fukkin' blow shit up, man!111@@!"

Apparently, this tinkering made flu transmissible to ferrets, which have (for some reason) the same immune system as humans. Which sucks because this newly and easily transmissible Bird Flu kills at least 54% of people who get it. For fuck's SAKE, ferrets?? Good times. 

There is a government vaccine available for H5N1, but it has apparently been stockpiled and is not available to the public. Good times.

---

And I quote: "Now Hank, you're saying I'm not a Malaysian bat-handler and I've already stocked my pantry with enough Skittles and Diet Sierra Mist to get me through the Bird Flu pandemic."

So in other words, I'm golden, right? Read on, friends, read on.

• In 1967, Germany started testing polio vaccines on monkeys from Uganda. Suddenly the scientists came down with wicked fevers, vomiting, diarrhea, massive internal bleeding, and circulatory failure. Good times.

Corellation: Messing with monkey parts = contracting killer diseases. Quit poking around monkey parts, you zoophile.

After further investifuckingation, they eventually isolated the virus known as Marburg Hemorrhagic Fever.

In one year alone, 23% of the scientists exposed died. It shows up everywhere from Africa to the United States, where it kills more than 80%. EIGHTY. PER. CENT. Scientists say that Marburg Hemmorhagic Fever is "the #1 virus you most want to mother fucking got damn avoid," if I may paraphrase. Let's try to do that, people. Start by washing your damn dirty hands and then not messing with monkey parts. But I mean, there is more than one good reason never to mess with monkey parts. For one, that's a hell of a lot of bum-bum germs.

So even if you live in the USA, never handle bats, and have thousands of Snickers and gallons of Orange Crush available in your storm shelter, you are not safe from terrifying diseases.

• A cousin of Marburg Fever is the Zaire Ebola virus (a.k.a. ZEBOV). It is the second most deadly disease in the world and causes everything from vomiting to fever to failure of blood vessels, which causes bleeding under the skin (groce).  ZEBOV has a mortality rate of 83%, and in the early 2000s, it killed more than 90% of the people infected. That's a shit of a lot, people.

• As a sidenote, what do these all viruses (virii?) have in common?

All of these viruses are Zoonotic ("transmitted to humans from animals"). Especially from bats. Fuck you, bats. I hate you in the face.

For these and other reasons, let's just avoid adopting your local neighborhood Battus Vampirus, even though it may be precious and have a cute little snout and you want to name it Edward.

Back to our regularly scheduled program about shit what will kill you.

So, after reading about ZEBOV, you're probably wondering, what disease is deadlier than 90% fatal?? This may surprise you, my peeps.

The deadliest disease in the world is not influenza, is not typhoid, is not dysentery,

...but is rabies, with case fatality rate of, oh, you know, whatever, about 100%. Bygones.

What? Like, Spiffy my sweet little Labradoodle can kill my ass? Or rather, what: like, sweet little Cujo can go from this

to this

and I won't have a chance in heaven once symptoms present?

You're saying that man's best friend can harbor the greatest plague known to humanity? Even though there's a vaccine and shit?

Yes, there is a vaccine, but once you've been diagnosed with the symptoms of the disease, you face almost certain death. There is a case fatality rate of p. much 100%.

According to Science Guy, there have been fewer than 10 recorded cases EVER IN THE HISTORY EVER OF THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER of people who have EVER been diagnosed with rabies and who have EVER lived to tell about it. Ever.

Apparently it's a terrible way to go: Early flu-like symptoms, then it targets your central nervous system, and you become agitated, delirious, and have seizures. Then you will experience paralysis, especially of the throat and jaw, making it difficult to swallow liquids (which is why patients avoid water and which is why rabies is known as hydrophobia). Ma! He's got The Hydrophobe!!

Old Yeller,

Come back Yeller,

Best doggone dog in the West.

With rabies, your pulse and blood pressure will vary wildly, and along with other v. unpleasant symptoms like acute pain and mania, then you will experience coma and heart failure respiratory failure and death. 100% of the time.

And although bats have caused all kinds of other really, really bad shit (see above), they usually get a bad rap when it comes to rabies.  Everyone is all, "OMG OMG IT'S A BAT it's going to get stuck in my hair and bite me and I will get the rabies! OMG BATS!" But actually, about 97% of cases in humans come from dog bites. Out, out damn Spot!

---

This ends your science lesson for the day and your very extensive Fun Friendly Phobic Fact Friday.

Love,
Jo

Fun With Sepsis.

Poor hand-washing likely led to spread of rare infection at Royal Alexandra Hospital

"Poor hand-washing rates in Edmonton and Alberta hospitals contributed to the spread of multi-drug-resistant bacteria that infected several people and likely played a part in the death of a Royal Alexandra Hospital patient. 

"Joffe said Alberta Health Services is investigating why the originally infected traveller wasn’t immediately isolated in emergency and why hand-washing rates among staff at Edmonton hospitals is a dismal 43 per cent, compared to a provincial average of 50 per cent."

Come on, people, let's aim high. Let's shoot for the stellar average of 50%, not an abysmal 43%.

Fucking hospitals, man. In a study, the World Health Organization determined that in one year alone, "Hospital-acquired sepsis and pneumonia claimed 48,000 lives, led to 2.3 million extra patient-days in hospital and cost 8.1 billion dollars." All because people won't fucking wash their damn dirty hands. One doctor decreed that these infections "could be prevented by improving hygiene in clinical settings." YA THINK? Sweet feathery Jesus.

I have a great idea! Instead of a dismal 43%, or the you've-got-to-be-kidding-me average of 50%, let's really get crazy. Let's shoot for, I don't know, washing your hands 100% of the time?? 100% of the time you use the bathroom. 100% of the time you change diapers or wipe tiny butts. 100% of the time you pick your nose. 100% of the time you handle raw meat. 100% of the time your hands actually get grimy. 100% of the time you treat or touch patients at a doctor's office. 100% of the time your hands need washing, period. It's just not that hard. It's NOT THAT HARD.

Why can't people just wash their hands? Fuck 43%. Fuck 50%, for that matter. I hate people. I hate them in the face.

I Just Lost All Respect for Snooki and Deena.*

* HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Never had any in the first place.

But guys. Guys. This. Just, this...is...

Well, let the pictures of this recent episode of Dirty Shore speak for themselves.

As Snooki and Deena leave a public restroom:

Stay klassy, girls.

Fun Phobic Friday: Sleepvover addition

Today I had the strangest thought.

I actually entertained the idea of having a sleepover with Maya's good friend X. For a second it sounded nice and fun.

I don't know what came over me.

Now, Maya's friend X is a typical child who catches sick pretty often, like so many kids do. Without meaning to hurt X's feelings or that of her [acid test] mom, I'm actually always a dry-heaving wretching sweaty ball of angst a little afraid to see them, because  is seemingly always sick (we're talking coughing, congested, runny nose, and FEVERISH) when we get together. I mean, hey, it happens. Kids get sick a lot. But it's terrifying to me.

But suddenly I thought, "Hey, Maya's about that old. She's about old enough for her first sleepover. It could be fun, right? Fun by my standards? First we'd have her over and she's wander the house, checking out Maya's cool toys and putting her unwashed hands over EVERYTHING including the baby's toys that go straight in her mouth, and then we might mosey to the kitchen for a snack as long as they don't share food or touch hands,  then we could play with Maya's dollhouse for quite awhile followed by a trip outside to play in the mucky wet piles of leaves after which we'd have to scrub decaying foliage and squirrel poop off their hands, then we might do some arts and crafts and make noodle necklaces, followed by watching the movie Tangled, and for dinner I was thinking we could make pizza then purell the shit out their hands and then and cut out their pizza pieces with a star-shaped cookie cutter. Fun right? THen they'd play awhile longer, I imagine doing hand clapping games OH GOD, Finally popcorn before bed because what sleepover is complete without grimy, licked, bum-scratching, nose-picking fingers reaching into a communal bowl of popped corn, then bedtime.

We don't have a second room or bed so X could either share the bed oh God the chance of lice or we could put X on the floor on some big couch cushions covered by 15 fitted sheets and a washable pillow. The next morning we could have pancakes after washing last night's booger picking off their hands, and play some dress up or board games after which I'll sanitize every last piece, and wait until X's aid-test mommy picks her up. WHAT COULD BE MORE FUN.

After all is said and done, hopefully X won't tell her mommy, "Mom, Jo used hand sani 27 times on my hand we washed our hand a really lot, and she got really upset when I double-dipple my carrot sticks into the ranch dressing."

This was my actual train of thought:

Hey! A sleepover sounds fun. Just one extra kid. I can't deal. Woo hoo! I could do this. No big. I'll put on my big-girl panties and stock up on Purell and it will be grand.

Hmm. On second thought, it's the Acid Test kid. I love her to bits, but....

OSHITZ. The panic is starting to creep in. How am I supposed to do this?

Yeah. Pretty much fuggeddaboudit. God I suck as a mother.

Sounds like an absolutely dreadful lovely time.

What was I thinking?

At least if I ever did this I'm be somewhat in control of cleaning their hands and cooking foods to safe temperatures and not tainting the with dirty fingers as I served them.

If I switched things up and let Maya stay overnight at Acid Test's house, this is what would take place.

First, the girls would run up stairs to play in M's room. Then they'd immediately play with the turtle. The MOTHERFUCKING TURTLE OF ALL THINGS. The harbinger of salmonella. Without washing afterward, naturally.

They they'd probably go on with their bad selves to go eat a snack, a nice juicy wet sticky snack or oranges or apples, with salmonella hands, and if Maya had to go potty after this, no one would remind her or help her to wash or at least use hand sani. Then, they'd play with the computer, because they'd both very adept at navigating the computer. It's not a kids' computer, it's the real thing, where Acid Test's husband, one of the grimier people on earth, uses the mouse and keyboard. GERMIEST PART OF AN OFFICE OR A HOME OFFICE. Awesome. They they would play outside ad get grubby, the only saving grace here would be that they'd surely take a bath, because my kids gives her kid a bath most nights but see, my friend is a big, big fan of the friends taking a bath together. That's how Acid Test family rolls. I've seen her post Facebook pictures of her taking care of like four kids, all of whom are in the rub together. Fun for the kids, a damn near brain thrombosis for me. ALL. THOSE. BUM-BUM GERMS. *hyperventilates*

So maybe a sleepover was not the best idea. Sounds fun in theory, and someday my child will do it, but right now, you couldn't get me drunk enough or ply me with enough Xanax to allow it. Sigh.

I'm feeling panicky just typing this. BRB. Gonna guzzle some Purell.

I just can't win.

Hand Sani Roundup.

I thought it might be interesting to show you the amount and placement of the various, miscellaneous, assorted, and sundry hand-sanitizing items scattered about my homestead. Note that this does not include other disinfecting items such as Comet, bleach, Clorox wipes, Lysol sprays (although these items may make a guest appearance), or other such cleansers--this is mainly contained to hand sanitizers. I just wanted to document how they appear in every nook and cranny of my abode.

Upon entering the ancestral manse, you'll first see this to your immediate right:

Often, if you are a guest in my home, I will also have an additional spare container of hand sani gel placed on this table that you are faced with, just upon entering. This is a not-so-subtle hint to cleanse your gee-dee hands, but also provides you with a choice: Would you rather wash your hands at the sink, use hand sanitizing wipes, or just use hand sani gel? You decide. I'll at least grant you that. The disinfecting of the hands is otherwise nonnegotiable, unless I'm feeling particularly vulnerable or insecure that day and can't bring myself to ask you to clean your hands. Which is 99% of the time, unless you are acquainted with my OCD. 

Next, only a few steps into the living room, you'll see this, a well-loved container of Germ-X and some baby-friendly wipes on what we call the "lamp table":

Febreeze peeks out behind its stronger and more important siblings. Here we have alcohol-based hand sani for the hardcore germaphobe, plus a more gentle, kid-friendly, earth-friendly, biodegradable benzalkonium-chloride-based antimicrobial wipes. The Germ-X is used liberally by me and the paterfamilias; the Germinator wipes are used more sparingly and on the younger generation, such as when we come home after someone has touched the baby's hands or she has touched a--gasp--restaurant table.

If you take a firm left into the kitchen and take a peek into the undersink cabinets, you will of course be faced with an onslaught of harsh chemicals, but if you merely glance upwards, you'll see this:

This is above the kitchen sink, the sink where we go to wash immediately after coming home; and when we are done washing, we employ a liberal use of this very hand sani. 

To the left of the sink, just hanging out on the stovetop, is a box of Purell wipes. These, I include in my daughter's lunch box when I pack her lunches for preschool.

"Perfect for...Lunch boxes!" Why yes, I think so!

Just next to the kitchen area, in fact where I am sitting at this very second, is the table/my laptop area. To my right you'll find this teency-tincey sani:

A little blurry, but it's a Bath & Body Works "Apple Pie" purse-sized sani. Smells sooooo delicious, and does the job if I decide in the middle of a blog entry that I'm just not sterile enough and I need a burst of chemicals. Hey! Now's as good a time as ever! *hand-sanis*

I also have one of these by my bed.

If you take a stroll down the hall, you'll see my purse, where I have tossed it haphazardly. (Hey, I said I'm a germ freak, not a neat freak.) Inside my purse is the omnipresent bottle of Purell. I have to refill this little guy an awful lot. I use it with alarming regularity.

And should you continue to meander down the hall and need to use the bathroom facilities, this is what you will be faced with, as a guest in our home:

BAM!

"Regular-sized" hand sani provided for size reference. Because we have BIG-ASS HAND SANI in our bathroom. So that you can't miss it. HINT HINT. I also have the following picture taped to the inside of our bathroom door:

Insulting? Perhaps, to those of you who Get It, but you have no idea how many guests and family members we've had to our home who DO. NOT. WASH. their hands after using the bathroom. (From afar, outside the bathroom, you can hear the water run. Or not run, as the case may be.) So we've decided to treat ALL our guests like kindergartners and remind them of the basics of hygiene. Anyway.

Then there's the baby's room. I always wash with soap and water after I change Naomi's diaper, because nothing beats soap and water, but occasionally, I need to finish diapering her or clothing her before I am able to get to a sink. In which case, a gallon dollop of hand sani is nice to have at the ready. So this is in Naomi's room at her changing table:

So that we can X the Germs. 

Next comes the master bedroom and bath.

Here is what you'll find just above my head, on my side of the bed:

Purell for when I'm feeling grody and don't want to get grodiness on my Kindle, and Cetaphil lotion for when my got-damn hands are dried and cracked within an inch of their very lives from overPurelling.

And last but not least, the master bath. Here is what you'll see if you take a wander there:

Or should I say,

Another tub of Sani-Hands. This is the particular tub I usually use when sanitizing my forearms and elbows for when they have rested on the grotesque tables at restaurants.

Also:

Another absolutely *BAM!* GARGANTOR container of hand sani, thanks to Costco or the dollar store. We go though these at a terrifying rate. And finally, next to our GARGANTOR tub of hand sani, you will also find, bafflingly enough, some Hibiclens. You know, in case we plan to perform some home surgery or something. 

And there you have it. All most of the hand sanitizers in my home. The ones I could think of, anyway.

All I have to say is, when bat flu strikes, you'll wish you were a guest in my home.