Friday, December 2, 2011

Fun Phobic Friday: Sleepvover addition

Today I had the strangest thought.

I actually entertained the idea of having a sleepover with Maya's good friend X. For a second it sounded nice and fun.

I don't know what came over me.

Now, Maya's friend X is a typical child who catches sick pretty often, like so many kids do. Without meaning to hurt X's feelings or that of her [acid test] mom, I'm actually always a dry-heaving wretching sweaty ball of angst a little afraid to see them, because  is seemingly always sick (we're talking coughing, congested, runny nose, and FEVERISH) when we get together. I mean, hey, it happens. Kids get sick a lot. But it's terrifying to me.

But suddenly I thought, "Hey, Maya's about that old. She's about old enough for her first sleepover. It could be fun, right? Fun by my standards? First we'd have her over and she's wander the house, checking out Maya's cool toys and putting her unwashed hands over EVERYTHING including the baby's toys that go straight in her mouth, and then we might mosey to the kitchen for a snack as long as they don't share food or touch hands,  then we could play with Maya's dollhouse for quite awhile followed by a trip outside to play in the mucky wet piles of leaves after which we'd have to scrub decaying foliage and squirrel poop off their hands, then we might do some arts and crafts and make noodle necklaces, followed by watching the movie Tangled, and for dinner I was thinking we could make pizza then purell the shit out their hands and then and cut out their pizza pieces with a star-shaped cookie cutter. Fun right? THen they'd play awhile longer, I imagine doing hand clapping games OH GOD, Finally popcorn before bed because what sleepover is complete without grimy, licked, bum-scratching, nose-picking fingers reaching into a communal bowl of popped corn, then bedtime.

We don't have a second room or bed so X could either share the bed oh God the chance of lice or we could put X on the floor on some big couch cushions covered by 15 fitted sheets and a washable pillow. The next morning we could have pancakes after washing last night's booger picking off their hands, and play some dress up or board games after which I'll sanitize every last piece, and wait until X's aid-test mommy picks her up. WHAT COULD BE MORE FUN.

After all is said and done, hopefully X won't tell her mommy, "Mom, Jo used hand sani 27 times on my hand we washed our hand a really lot, and she got really upset when I double-dipple my carrot sticks into the ranch dressing."

This was my actual train of thought:

Hey! A sleepover sounds fun. Just one extra kid. I can't deal. Woo hoo! I could do this. No big. I'll put on my big-girl panties and stock up on Purell and it will be grand.

Hmm. On second thought, it's the Acid Test kid. I love her to bits, but....

OSHITZ. The panic is starting to creep in. How am I supposed to do this?

Yeah. Pretty much fuggeddaboudit. God I suck as a mother.

Sounds like an absolutely dreadful lovely time.

What was I thinking?

At least if I ever did this I'm be somewhat in control of cleaning their hands and cooking foods to safe temperatures and not tainting the with dirty fingers as I served them.

If I switched things up and let Maya stay overnight at Acid Test's house, this is what would take place.

First, the girls would run up stairs to play in M's room. Then they'd immediately play with the turtle. The MOTHERFUCKING TURTLE OF ALL THINGS. The harbinger of salmonella. Without washing afterward, naturally.

They they'd probably go on with their bad selves to go eat a snack, a nice juicy wet sticky snack or oranges or apples, with salmonella hands, and if Maya had to go potty after this, no one would remind her or help her to wash or at least use hand sani. Then, they'd play with the computer, because they'd both very adept at navigating the computer. It's not a kids' computer, it's the real thing, where Acid Test's husband, one of the grimier people on earth, uses the mouse and keyboard. GERMIEST PART OF AN OFFICE OR A HOME OFFICE. Awesome. They they would play outside ad get grubby, the only saving grace here would be that they'd surely take a bath, because my kids gives her kid a bath most nights but see, my friend is a big, big fan of the friends taking a bath together. That's how Acid Test family rolls. I've seen her post Facebook pictures of her taking care of like four kids, all of whom are in the rub together. Fun for the kids, a damn near brain thrombosis for me. ALL. THOSE. BUM-BUM GERMS. *hyperventilates*

So maybe a sleepover was not the best idea. Sounds fun in theory, and someday my child will do it, but right now, you couldn't get me drunk enough or ply me with enough Xanax to allow it. Sigh.

I'm feeling panicky just typing this. BRB. Gonna guzzle some Purell.

I just can't win.



    Also, I'd do the same thing. eep.

  2. My hands are pristine, I tell you. Positively gleaming fresh. :)

  3. OMG! You are too funny! New follower from

  4. Aww, thanks Maria! I'm happy to follow you back as well. :) Welcome to my crazy blog! :)

  5. See, and I'm all "WTF would I do with these kids ALL DAY LONG? How do I get them to actually sleep??". The cleanliness of it all (or lack thereof) doesn't even enter my mind. :)

  6. They would totally entertain themselves. I'd let them loose to destroy Maya's room and play with all her things (dollhouse, doctor play set, toy kitchen and food, etc.) and if all else failed, we'd watch Tangled. ;) But really, they'd play for hours by themselves. So I'd be left to stew in my own terrible OCD feelings of grossness and worry. OMG did X just cough? Did she just wipe her nose? She looks feverish. How am I going to sterilize every single piece of dollhouse furniture when X is gone? Did she really just share Maya's sucker? OMFG! WHY DID I HOST A SLEEPOVER?! WHY?