Why Don't We Just Eat the Zombies? They're Already Dead.

Today I came across a friend's talking about how she paid a visit to her local butcher. And I was thinking, "Butcher. What a truly bizarre profession. To slaughter animals all day long."

Now I am no vegetarian, although I eat very little meat just in passing. But to cut up and chop up and filet up and slice up and grind up animals all day long is just very...icky.

Not to mention the bum-bum germs. Someone has to yank out the poop chutes. And the grinding--think of all the airborne meat germs.

Although thank goodness somebody does it, because, steak.

In the event of Zombie Apocalypse, do you think you could slaughter your own food? Could you slit the throat of little Peter Cottontail? Does it matter what kind of animal? Maybe you could kill a chicken but not a goat? Do you think, if you had to, you could actually do it to keep your family alive?

Survivors.

So the time has come to post again. I am still FRESH OUT, SON, of ideas. I mean, you can only blog about Purell and new Advanced Purell ("takes less to do the job"(TM)) so many times. So what now?

I think I'll free-associate here.

So my most recent meeting with Dr. P

As I was saying, my most recent meeting with DR MOTHERFUCKING P, went poorly. We kind of have nothing to talk about anymore. Kind of like me, and this blog. Nothing to talk about. He asked questions, but my answers to those questions we vague and were almost always "I don't know." Or, "I feel like, I don't know, it's complicated, I don't know."

So now what? He seems unwilling to delve deeper, like delve into the sources of my OCD (which I could easily explain to him, since I KNOW how they started). He seems unwilling to talk about much at all, except for my meds.

Now, I feel a certain, how do you say, oh yes, kinship with this man. 

I've been seeing him for at least a year and a half. So it would be traumatic to attempt to start seeing a new therapist, and having to explain the SAME SHIT ALL OVER AGAIN. So on one hand, I feel sort of bound to him. On the other, he's not really doing much for me. Other than carefully monitoring my medication--I can give him that much. (PS: Awesome sidenote--the meds I'm on, combined with a less-than-stellar diet, have caused me to gain approximately 2387438 pounds exactly. I am positively rotund. Bygones.)

So anyway, Dr. P. He seems to want to farm me out to another therapist--he's constantly on my case about seeing someone who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)--which is a whole lot of "be present in the moment, acknowledge your pain, feel grounded, put your feet on the fucking floor, know that this too shall pass." Good advice for normal people. But I'm not normal.

I will continue this later, because as heretofore mentioned, I have nothing to say. A lot of words to say nothing I have to say, but still. I must go wash bottle nipples. Yes my two-year-old child still uses and loves her bottle. What of it?

More later.

---

It's later. I've currently got cupcakes burning in the oven, where my five-year-old drizzle-dripped that batter right the hell into those cupcake papers, or near enough. And then she licked her fingers. Salmon-to-the-ella, what what? Oh well, I survived, she will too. Maybe that's my Luvox talking, but we'll be OK. After a small bout of diarrhea.

The other day, we went to a birthday party at, get this, CHUCK E. FUCKING CHEESE. As if anything could be any grosser. So my kids touched tokens, and went on rides, and climbed climbers, and then ate horrible pizza, and yet survived. So far with no ill effects. Except for the E. Coli. Bygones.

---

Today I plan to take the kids to the park. I'm only doing it because I promised last night I would, so I can't get out of it.

Edit: Mission accomplished! We actually went to two parks. Go me! The kids had an absolute blast. Here are a bazillion pictures of the cutest chitlins ever:

Lots of fun, right? I even let them play in the dirt and gravel. Although I did periodically Purell them and when we came home I made them strip naked and wash their hands for four hours.

Love,

Jo

The Benjamins. Not just for snorting Cocaine.

A study on the thingies what are found on your moneys.

"In a 2002 study published in the Southern Medical Journal, researchers at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio found that 94 percent of the 68 bills tested were contaminated with bacteria ...  7 percent harbored dangerous pathogens, including Klebsiella pneumoniae, which can cause infections such as pneumonia, and Staphylococcus aureus, which can cause skin and other infections. Other experiments have found the fecal bacteria E. Coli."

Are you willing to take the risk, ARE YOU??

" 'Paper money is a good conduit of germs,' said Tierno, author of The Secret Life of Germs, "--the older ones more so."

Don't care about E.Coli? How about snow, blow, crack, weasel dust, and paradise white?

"Paper currency certainly is a good conduit of cocaine. A 2009 University of Massachusetts study that tested 234 bank notes from 18 U.S. cities found 90 percent of the bills tested positive for cocaine."

Also, "A 2001 study of 10 one-dollar bills, published in Forensic Science International, also found 70 percent contaminated with heroin, 30 percent with methamphetamine and 20 percent with PCP."

Don't be licking your dollar bills, son. Lest you go on a bad, bad trip.

Squimming Pools.

When I was young, I used to go swimming in our little alligator swimming pool in the back yard. Do you remember those alligator swimming pools? They were green hard plastic and had a super tiny like two-foot slide into the water. I was a child of the 1980s (Generra Hypercolor, what what), so maybe you young whippersnappers don't remember alligator swimming pools, but trust me, they were kickass.

Well. During those hot summers, I'd play in our alligator pool, but then, we'd let the water sit and stagnate. It would sit for the entire summer. But I'd still put on my Strawberry Shortcake swimsuit or my fantastic neon suit with the squiggles all over it, and I'd go outside during the dog days and bob about in it.

Most of the time there were mosquito larvae squimming in the water.

I'd still play in it.

I'd swim, me and those larvae. I'd swim.

Which might be the reason today that I nuke our hot tub with fire and put 18 cups of chlorine in our kiddie pool, burning the eyes and flesh of my children.

School 'n Jell-O 'n Aliens. Schelloliens.

So back when my older chitlin was 4ish years old, and we put her in preschool, she was getting sick every 2 to 3 hours. Like, we'd send her to class and she catch her 17th concurrent illness. Measles, mumps, AND Rubella. Shigella. Diphtheria. Tetanus. SARS. Hep A B C D and E. North Korean Kangaroo Flu. Pancreatic cancer. She caught everything. In other words, SICK ALL THE TIME.

After maybe four or five U.S. American months, we withdrew her from class, because (A) as heretofore mentioned, she was sick all of the time with all of the things; (2) it was expensive as hell; and (3) she fucking hated school. So why pay for it?

A year later, we put her back in school. This time she loved it. Loved class, loved her teachers. So we were hell-bent on making this work.

Lo and behold, she got sick every 3.275 hours. Such is the life of a Pre-K child I suppose. Such is the life of any school-age kid. Because parents can't seem to make sure they keep their violently ill child home in order to avoid the spread of the sick. Sniffle? Send 'em to school. Vomiting? Send 'em to school. Bloody diarrhea? Send 'em to school. Mouth sores and peeling skin? Send 'em to school. Black hairy tongue? Send 'em to school.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

But. It got better. Maya went at least three months between colds. I was shocked and amazed. This is the kid who got four colds on top of each other and was sick non-stop, non-to-the-stizzop. But now she was going entire flu seasons without getting ill. Fuck yeah! Thank you, obsessive handwashing and flu vaccines. Thank you Heavenly Father and thank you Lady Luck. Thank you unicorns and thank you fairy dust. Thank you Purell Advanced. Thank you dear 8 pounds 6 ounce newborn infant Jesus, don't even know a word yet, lying there in your ghost manger, just looking at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' about shapes and colors. Thank you.

Wherein John Christopher Reilly barely stifles a laugh at W. Ferrell's ad-libbed shenanigans.

Where am I going with all this information? I have no idea. Noooooooo idea. No i-deer.

Other than to say, it gets better. I guess. With the exception of a rough start to the school year, we've been really, really lucky not to get fatally sick this season.*** Of course, there's always next. There's always room for E-C-O-L-I.

I'll have you know that the aforementioned jpeg won out over all other fantastic search results, including the following: 

Classic Jell-O

Zombie Jell-O

Ugly Jell-O

Jell-O Invasion

And Cosby Jell-O.

Because, Georgio Tsoukalos . And Jell-O. Just, Jell-O.

How have you and YOURS been this cold & flu season? Well, I hope.

*** And now cue rampant norovirus, now that I've made all these claims straight in the face of superstitions.

It Never Fails.

So I finally crawled out of my hermit shell and invited friends over for a playdate. My friend has two daughters like I do, the same age as Maya and Naomi. We had a fun time, gossiping about the neighbors and talking Reality TV and just enjoying ourselves. It was nice to have adult company for once.

But.

Wouldn't you know it.

I received an email later saying that my friend's daughter had the barfing flu. Only hours after she left our house. After playing within mere centimeters of each other and chewing on toys and sharing a bowl of Goldfish and accidentally using the same sippy and such.

It never fails.

In the same vein, I haven't seen my Acid Test friends in like five months, but let me tell you this: let me tell you that if I bit the bullet and called them up and went out for dinner or drinks or played at home with the kids, let me tell you that I would receive news mere hours after the get-together that my friend's daughter had a severe strep infection or pinkeye or a raging case of the trots or airborne diabetes. We're talking Captain Trips all up in here.

Hear me now, believe me later. It would happen.

So I can't seem to win. Sure, my daughter had a nice time playing with a buddy. And I loved hanging with my friend too. But seriously, the stomach flu? I can't win.

Dark Water.

I'm just gonna leave this here.

It can never be good when the URL includes the words Hotel + Water + Corpse. I'm just saying.

"Tourists staying at a Los Angeles hotel bathed, brushed teeth and drank water from a tank in which a young woman's body was likely decomposing for more than two weeks, police said." ...

"The water did have a funny taste," Sabrina Baugh told CNN on Wednesday. She and her husband used the water for eight days.

A funny taste. A funny taste. EIGHT DAYS. OF CORPSE. EIGHT DAYS OF CORPSE WATER. Could the funny taste be maggots and flesh rot? Funny. A funny taste. Hilarious.

"The shower was awful," she said. "When you turned the tap on, the water was coming black first for two seconds and then it was going back to normal."

Black. Black corpse water. Corpse water. Showering in a dead body.

The end.

Fun Phobic Fact Friday!

MEGA EDITION.


1. Ever have a craving for a peanut butter sandwich? That thick, yummy, and creamy goodness. In one pound of peanut butter, it typically can contain up to 150 bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs. [Ed. Note: Who's making these sandwiches, Remy??]

2. House flies go to the bathroom roughly every 4.5 minutes. Think about that next time you see one fly on your delicious dinner. [Ed. Note: "House flies go to the bathroom" strikes me as a ridiculous way to phrase it. I think "House flies visit the lavat'ry" would be much better.]

3. Step outside and smell the roses. On a daily average you will inhale 1 liter of others anal gasses.

4. In the mood for fast food? An average person will consume 12 pubic hairs in their fast food annually. Gross! [Ed. Note: Are the fast food workers folding your quesadilla betwixt their legs? Seriously guys, you had one job.]

5. It's summer time, and that means the pools are open! If you swim one hour in a public pool you will intake 1/12 liters of urine. [Ed. Note: "But urine is sterile!!" all you filth monsters insist. (1) It's not sterile when it exits through a person's junk; and (2) even if that were true, who wants to ingest sterile urine anyway?]

6. Creepy crawling cockroaches. As if they aren't disgusting looking enough. These insects carry over 40 different pathogens which risk being transferred to humans. Included is pneumonia, plague, hepatitis, and typhoid fever just to name a few.

7. Need to use the bathroom? When a person pees, a small deposit of urine enters the mouth through the saliva glands. [Ed. Note: I didn't realize that one's ureters were directly connected to their mouth. lol.]

8. Need that morning jump? Next time you go out to the coffee shop think about this, diarrhea induced E.Coli was found on 10% of coffee mugs in the U.S. [Ed. Note: I'll have a grande nonfat vanilla soy bum-bum germs latte, please. Hold the whip.]

9. Enjoy a nice cup of yogurt? You might want to double check the ingredients again. Some yogurts and jelly sweets contain beef or pork gelatin. [Ed. Note: That's what gelatin is. Horse hoofs and such as. Ever eat Jell-O? Same thing.]

10. Think you've got it bad when you vomit? The longest recorded projectile vomiting is 27 feet. I wonder what he ate. [Ed. Note: Yeah? You think that's impressive? Well the longest cat projectile vomit was eight feet.]

11. We all like a man who gives a nice firm hand shake. However, you might want to think twice before returning the firm grip. Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated and did not wash their hands.

12. Through contact with door knobs, counter tops, and other daily objects your hand will come in contact with 15 penises a day. [Ed. Note: At least it's not 9,000 penises.]

13. When we sleep we are the most relaxed and at peace. Who would've thought that while you are snoozing you were inhaling bugs! In a years time, most humans will consume 14 insects while in their sleep. [Ed. Note: Someone should tell the author that inhaling is different from consuming. Lung spiders are bad mmkay?]

14. Having work done to your house? Research has shown that in a lifetime you will have had 22 workmen examine the dirty contents of your linen basket. [Ed. Note: Who is leaving the Fios guy alone long enough for him to sneak into your laundry room??]

15. Here comes the bride. Next time you're planning to attend a wedding reception you might want to bring a hanker chief. You have a 1/100 chance of taking home a cold sore from one of the guests. Cold sores are a form of oral herpes! [Ed. Note: Why weddings? And how? Are you going around taking sips out of everyone's champagne?]

Phifteen phun phobic phacts for you to enjoy.

Love,
Jo

With My Own, With my Own Staphylococcus Aureus -Infected Hands.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7q98vL1Xy0

Find a way to listen to this song whilst reading its new lyrics.

I infect the world

With my own two hands

Make it a badder place

With my own two hands

Make it a germy place

With my own gross hands

With my own

With my own mere hands

I can pass on bird flu

With my own two hands

I can clean up my butt

With my own two hands

Then I'll reach out you

With my staph-laden hands

With my own

With my own gross hands

With my own

With my own gross hands

I'm going to make it a nasty place

With my own two hands

I'm going to make it a sicker place

With my own two hands

I'm going to doom the human race

With my own two hands

With my own

With my mere gross hands

With my own

With my own gross hands

I can hold balls

With my own two hands

Then share ball-sweat with you

With my own two hands

But you've got to use

Use your own Sani-Hands

Use your own

Use your own Sani-Hands

With our own

With your own Sani-hands

With your own

With your own Sani hands

Sick like the Dog.

So over here we've all been sick. First I puked (ALL OVER THE CARPET).

Then Maya had a bought of about 7 pukes overnight in her bed, and during the next day, and then Naomi threw up once. Needless to say, this house smells like ralph, no matter how much carpet cleaner I use and no matter how many baths we give the kids and no matter how many holiday-scented candles I burn.

And there is no end to the laundry I've been doing. We have a LOT of blankets in this house, and we are totally out. They're all in the wash.

I'm not sure if it's norovirus or what. ( I hear 'tis the season for it.) But we've been very unhappy. For the last two days Maya has eaten two Saltines and three spoonfuls of chicken & stars. Can't even keep water down. Luckily today she bounding around like nothing happened, although her appetite isn't quite back. Me, I'll still feel really nauseated. Want to barf ALL the time.

Let's the hub doesn't catch this things, because it's been miserable.

But for once, I have been able to comfort my babies with hugs and kisses, instead of feeling like they are poison.. I am able to love them, and kiss them, and hug them, and snuggle them, and hole their hair back, and wash out barf buckets. You know, like normal moms. I think my new anti-anxiety med, Vistaril, continues to work, even though it makes me sore sleepy.