Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Bum Raps.

Years ago, Terrence Howard said something that had ladies all across the land up in arms. Here is what he said, when asked what his relationship "deal-breakers" were:

"Toilet paper - and no baby wipes - in the bathroom. If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."

People freaked out. People lost it. People flipped their shits (pun intended). Me? I was kinda like,

Women all over started accusing him of hating women, of being a misogynist, of being a disgusting pig of a man.

I beg to differ.

I don't think he was saying women and parts specific only to women are gross and dirty and filthy. I don't think he was one step away from ranting about how women should cover up their dirty pillows.

I don't think he had to have been specifically talking about women at all, or girlybits, except that he was asked what deal-breakers were in a relationship with women. I don't think he was saying a lady-garden was gross or needed superfluous attention or that he wouldn't give you some lovin if you didn't douche with Lysol.

I think he was saying bum-bums are nasty, Which they are, and dry toilet paper does not do the trick, Which it doesn't, whether you are male or female, Which is the truth.

We here at Poop on a Hot Tin Slide are a baby-wipe family. It's just the Slider House Rules. We have baby wipes on every toilet tank in the house, and by Maya's little potty chair. I mean, people don't wipe sweet little infant bum-bums with dry toilet paper, do they? Because that would be disgusting and would never, ever get them clean, correct? It would just smear it about?

So why do we scrub at our own bum-bums with dry scratchy paper and call it good? 

(Can I just say as a sidenote, I wonder how many FBI watch-lists I'm on because of how many times a day I search Google Images for things like, "baby butts," "tiny bum bums," "kids bending over," etc."? ...)

Anyway, I feel the same way Terrence Howard does about adults needing to use baby wipes too. Why do I want to get frisky with someone and slip a playful hand down his trou to tweak a cheek if he isn't a baby-wipe kind of dude? Why do I want to take a bath with* or hop in a sexy sexy hot tub with anyone who hasn't thoroughly wet-wiped their crack until it is positively gleaming?

* Well, the answer is, I don't. But that's a story for another time, child.

Anyway, I think Terrence Howard got a bum rap (pun intended). Ba dum bum (pun intended).  Poor guy just meant that scrubbing about at your poopy rear-end with some scratchedy-ass paper (or is that scratchedy ass-paper? Oh hyphen you mock me) isn't going to get you pristine. He didn't say girls is nasty.

Mr. Howard, I salute and support you. Wet wipes for one and for all, not just for babies.


  1. I admit that since Caius is now using the big toilet, I've been keeping baby wipes in the bathroom...and using them myself. And then I wonder WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS BEFORE?!? It is soooooo much better than just using toilet paper.

    My only complaint is they can't be flushed away.

  2. I've always flushed them. I can't imagine not! :) They also make adult wet-wipes that are meant to be flushed. Is the big deal that baby wipes are bad for the environment, or bad for one's own toilet system? We've never had a clog or backup or any big issue.

  3. Yeah, the issue with baby wipes is toilet clogs. Maybe if you flush them one at a time it'd be ok? I don't trust our old plumbing enough to try. :)

  4. This post made me laugh out loud.

    also I do the same thing as the above poster, except with our cloth wipes. I seriously feel so much cleaner afterwards, I don't know why I don't use them full time.

  5. Glad to humor you. :D

    Can I ask...cloth wipes? Do those just get tossed in the...OK hang on my OCD meter is the regular washing machine with the rest of the stuff?

  6. i like this post. i was so happy when they created flushable wipes for adults. because, let's be honest. sometimes the dry paper just isn't enough. and if there's some down & dirty bedroom play coming my way, a wipe for each of us makes me feel much better about the situations.
    washing our armpits with a dry paper isn't considered an acceptable way to wash up & what comes out the rear is far worse than anything that generally happens in an armpit. so wipe on, fellow poopers. wipe on.

  7. Sherilin, you said it, babe. Let's form the WWFOAAC (Wet Wipes for One and All Coalition). Or maybe the BUM-GERMS (Bewetted Undercarriage Muckers Guaranteed to Eliminate Really Most Shit) Society. OK that was a stretch.

  8. I wash the cloth wipes with the cloth diapers, but yes in the same machine I wash other clothes in.

  9. Ahhh yes. Well that makes sense, and that's what washer "clean/bleach cycles" are for. ;-)

  10. We's got the wipes all over this house everywhere. Hey in Europe when they are done dropping kids off at the pool there is a bidets to make everything fresh and clean. As a society we get our panties in a bunch over the smallest things. Ehheee you said dirty pillows

  11. i liked your names for the society. but i think most should be changed to moist. that makes it even funnier.

  12. hahahah I TOTALLY almost wrote Moist. :)

  13. Ive been meaning to ask you for some time your opinion on cloth diapering, but I think my question was just answered above with the comment about bleach cycles.

    Also, I'm with everyone else. I never would have thought about using wet wipes before kids, but now I know how much better they are and I think we will keep them around long after potty training :)

  14. Yeah, cloth diapering isn't for me for several reasons, but I am thankful for that bleach cycle and hope people use it liberally. ;)

    Ad wet wipes are soooo nice. They are so much gentler on your bum-bum, especially on million-wipers.