Sunday, October 9, 2011

I'm One Dust Bunny Away From Going Gilbert Grape on This Fucker.

Sometimes I get so down on my house, so overwhelmed. I clean constantly, I clean all day long, I clean the same things over and over again. I wipe, I scrub, I disinfect. But the place never looks clean. My husband comes home and has no idea I've even done anything, because he can't tell. There's just so much clutter, and so much stuff I'm never able to get to. Sometimes I just want to go Gilbert Grape on this mofo and burn it to the ground. No matter who or what is still in the upstairs.

If there's always one thing I've wanted to treat myself to, it would be a deep, deep housecleaning. Especially with all these deals I see on Living Social or Groupon ("Three hours of deep house cleaning for only $49!" or "Two 4-hour sessions of all natural, organic cleaning for just $69! Regularly $249!").

I want to do it. I want so badly to do it. I want to come home to a sparklingly fresh home cleaner than I could ever get it. But I can't.

As I've mentioned, even though my OCD means that all the touchable surfaces in my house are bleach-clean, like anyone else the dust and clutter and grime in my house does tend to build up in the nooks and crannies. I may have cleaned the deepest, darkest recesses of S's house like a whirling dervish and sanitized like a white demon, but that was easy because I was starting with a clean slate. My house is already so lived in that the thought of a true spring cleaning, like, where you get out an old toothbrush and scrub the baseboards, makes me want to faint. I do not have that kind of motivation. I may have OCD but, as mentioned, I am one hell of a lazy ass.

So the perfect solution would be to hire a housecleaner! Right? Right! Right? ...Right?

Except I can't bear the thought. Because I'm so afraid that my house will end up germier than it started. Sure, it will be neat and tidy and glisteningly fresh: clean to the naked eye. But what of the germs? OH GOD WHAT OF THE GERMMMMS?

I would have no control over whether the cleaning person used the same sponge to clean the floors and the counters, or if she used the same tools at the last home as she used at my home. I would have no idea if she changed gloves after cleaning the bathroom before she went to work on the kitchen. I have no control over whether she has an eye for cross-contamination. I would be a sweating, dry-heaving mass of What Ifs. I would be roiling bundle of nerves. I would be beside myself with panic.

So it wouldn't exactly be a decadent luxury for me, not if it caused this much fucking anxiety. Christ.

Thus, every time I see a Living Social deal that I can't pass up, I have to pass it up. Because I can't see myself calling them up and being like, "So, I know this is weird, but do you cater to people with OCD? Do your maids take off their shoes before entering the premises? Do they have all-new tools and scrubbies? Do any of your employees have infrared eyesight and the ability to see germs as if they were hotblooded robbers on the getaway? Just wondering, because I've got a touch of the crazies, see."

Sucks. Because I really, really, really, really want someone to come in and clean all the things I never get to. I want to come home to the freshest, cleanest house I've ever had. I really really want it, and my house really really needs it. But I don't think my brain can allow it.

Not to mention...

Why is the Merry Maids car designed like a slug?

This does not inspire confidence, guys.

Anyway, maybe this is another one for Mr. Obama's Job Creation Act: Housecleaners for the OCDers among us. They would remove their shoes upon entry or at least wear shoe hairnets; they would wear rubber gloves and change them with delicious regularity; they would use new (straight from the package) sponges; they would use all new tools or at least those that had been certified disinfected; they would clean the rooms in order of germiness: bedroom and living rooms first, then kitchen, then bathroom, with all new sponges and rags and gloves each time; they would use vast amounts of bleach; and so forth. Maybe they'd even have an inspector watching them at all times, like my Cook Area Inspector (linked above). This would be Cleaning Area Inspector. They would ensure no cross-contamination. Then maybe I could do it. Then maybe I could hire a housecleaner. God knows how much I'd love to, God knows that even though I disinfect constantly, this whole place needs a good head-to-toe scrubbing.

Anyway for now, I will have to suffer through having a cluttered but Cloroxed homestead, and deal with dirty base molding, dusty picture frames, and a cobweb or two on the ceiling. Sigh.


  1. I think you just invented my dream job. I picked up 3 containers of the Chlorox Disinfecting Wipes you've mentioned and proceeded to have the most wonderful time using them on everything I could find an excuse to. Counters? Light switches? Door handles? Doors? Sinks? Walls? Nothing was "safe" from my cleaning. If I could be paid to make unclean places clean, that would be the Greatest Thing™.

    I also discovered that creating a clean environment makes me giggle like a schoolgirl.

    I totally don't have Problems.

  2. I can't comment on Blogger! Ahhhhhhh!

    I'm still reading, though. It makes me happy that someone else is using Gilbert Grape in a blog title--I've got one written up that I haven't published yet with that in the title--totally different content, though.

    Want me to come clean your house? I swear to abide by all OCD rules--the only thing is I tend to throw a LOT of shit away. It's a cause of contention in our house sometimes!

  3. Hey! It let me comment today! Yay me!

  4. Newest follower from MBC! Hope you can visit and follow me back:)


  5. Janice: I know, I still can't comment on your entries! What is up with Blogger? So glad it let you t oday tb hooug h, dj fjof Oh hey that last bit was courtesy of the six-month-old on my lap. Anyway, oh God I'd love for you to come clean my house. Where are you again? ;-) And my husband is a HUGE "purger," and not in the vomit sense (thank God), so he'd appreciate your throwing a lot of shit away. ;)


    Cassandra: Sure, and hi, and welcome!! I'll follow you via RSS. :)

  6. Alex: See, doing just that DID make me cackle like a cleaning wench, I mean giggle like a school girl, when I was doing it for a friend at her brand-new place. INDEED nothing was safe from my Clorox wrath. But the thought of doing it at my home, where we've lived and collected dust for six years, is Decidedly Less Fun. Sigh.

  7. PS: Alex, do you have a blog?

  8. i was a housecleaner for many years & i probably wouldn't have passed your ocd test. i did make a house look & smell really clean & never used a rag on floor or toilet that was then used on a counter or mirror or wall. actually, rags and sponges shouldn't be used on toilets at all. only paper towels so you can throw that crap right in the garbage when you're done with it.
    those deals where someone deep cleans for 3 hours, they probably wouldn't even get through a whole kitchen in that time. getting to all the minuscia of nitty gritty means it takes forever to get through any room. exhausting!

  9. Sometimes they have deals where you can get two housecleaners who clean for 2 or three hours. Maybe those would be the way to go, if I can ever actually DO it, That way, they can get to more stuff in that amount of time, and they can also hold each other responsible (so, no wiping out the toilet and then using that sponge on the countertops. I dunno, I'm just praying--I mean thinking--out loud).

    But you're right, sooo exhausting. This is why I don't clean the minutiae very often. :D

  10. I will come clean your house. I love a good challenge AND you know I'd rock it OCD style. OR we could have drinks and do it together. Sure, we'd be drunk as skunks by the end, but WHO CARES?

  11. Jo: I don't have any sort of blog I update regularly, because I am terrible at maintaining a schedule for it. I checked the last update of the one I never maintain (May 12, 2011) and saw a little thing about how finding my laundry in a public laundry room moved by someone else reduced me to a shivering wreck for a week.


    Mandi: I am saddened by the number of people I can think of who don't think that is a great idea.

  12. O M G Mandi, drunk cleaning is the best. Especially once the fumes kick in. I wish you were closer, we could clean like drunk skunks high on Tub & Tile. Someday. Someday, I swear this will happen.