Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Wife Swap: Jo Edition.

(Or is that Wifes Wap?)

I've always wondered what it would be like if I went on Wife Swap. Scratch that, I KNOW what it would be like. You know how they always pair totally opposite women/families? A rich bitch goes to live in a hovel, and the other wife lives in a mansion; an unschooler goes to live in a house where the children have every single minute of their day scheduled, planned, and busy; a mother who lives to serve her husband goes to live in a house where the wife doesn't lift a finger; etc.


Yeah. So here's what that would mean for me.

They'd give my household a wife who:

  • OMG wears shoes in my pristine house
  • Does not wash her hands or the kids' hands upon first coming home
  • Takes my children to the McDonald's McPlaguePlace
  • Uses the bathroom without washing
  • Changes Naomi's diapers without washing
  • Brings the shared bum-bum sponge back into fashion
  • Gives Maya all the soda pop--scratch that, all  the Red Bull--she wants
  • Lets the kids watch horror movies
  • Fills the baby's bed with a plush baby bumper, five pillows, eighteen stuffed animals, and four blankets
  • Lets Maya play in the street or totally out of sight at the park
  • Teaches Maya to flick her boogers

  • Cuts the mold off cheese and keeps using it
  • Leaves bean soup out overnight and serves it the next day
  • Lounges around bare-ass nekked with her bum-bum right on my couch
  • Brings in three cats and a dog who scootches

  • Sneezes and coughs with wild abandon
  • Lets the baby chew on the restaurant table
  • Lets the baby play with and gnaw on her cell phone and keys
  • Lets our new scootching dog lick the baby's face and mouth
  • Shares a bath with my kids
  • Goes lake swimming and doesn't shower after
  • Lets Maya mix up her Play-Doh colors (HORROR!)
  • Mixes up a nice batch of raw meatloaf with her bare hands and then merely wipes them on a kitchen towel
  • Throws away all my Clorox wipes and hand sani

  • Lets my kids eat carrots freshly plucked out of the soil
  • Makes mud-pies with the kids and looks away when Naomi actually takes a bite
  • And likes her chicken pink in the middle.

Maybe they'd even bring in the lady from the infamous "High Meat" household. (Hilarious sidenote: My husband names his character "High Meat" when he plays MMORPGs.)

"It's got a wang to it."

"Do you believe that God would put anything on this earth to hurt us?"

Yeah, I don't know, how about motherfucking sharks?

...Or listeria, or E. Coli, or rabid bats, or salmonella, or lice, or yellowjackets, or jerkoffs in grade school who throw encyclopedias at your head, or crocodiles, or campylobacter, or bears, or or strep, or staph, or legionella, or leprosy, or cholera, or hungry lions, or Lady Gaga??

Just to name a few.

But I digress.

Anyway, I think the wife they paired my husband with would do all these things and more.

...Or else she'd just be really fun and outgoing and actually take the kids places and get her butt off the internet. You know, whatever.


  1. Yes...but what kind of house would they send YOU to? Can you imagine the horror show awaiting you? Would you even step foot inside??

  2. your list of stuff she'd do is hilarious! i love that you added in the community butt sponge to the list.
    i was expecting you to say that she puts her lettuce in the washing machine to spin it!


    I can't even imagine. Dog doo on the floor, no soap at all in the bathrooms or kitchen, molding towels on the bathroom floor (that are reused by the family, and they share towels), 800 cats, a FILTHY litterbox, "family cloth" (shared cotton or flannel rags that you use on your bum-bum and throw into a bin to be washed and used again, HURL), etc. Horror.

  4. hahahahah 4ever

    How could I forget the washing machine lettuce??? ;-)

  5. Ditto on what Chesea said can you imagine what hell hole they would sen you to...OMG you would go through Purell withdrawals

  6. The bitch they'd send into this house wouldn't last FIVE MINUTES. I hope they'd send me somewhere with a maid.

  7. You basically described my house, so obvs we would be swapping. Except for the pink in the chic. Throw up burp, big time. And we only have two cats.

    Let me know what works for you...our schedule frees up in may.

  8. Oh Teeah. Ohhhhhhh Teeah. Do you need me to come over there in full Snooki Gear and have at it?

    Also, I'm sorry, I cannot allow you to be swapping homes with me; you're too cute. And I will not stand for a cute wife coming to live with my husband.

    If I change my mind, May 12-19 works well.

  9. Mommy Bags: I really would! I'd probably have seizures and blackouts without a constant layer of Purell on my hands.

  10. Too cute? You obvs did not see any full body shots on FB...
    I would be more worried about him coming over to the dark side of dirty loving lazy people who don't soak their fruit.

    However, I will pencil you in JIC.

    PS...I am so so so very scared of sharks. Germs? Germs not so much. Kind of dumb since germs will probably get me long before the sharks.

  11. Love your blog :) I love it when I can come to a blog and let my hair down! (without touching anything-of course). Haaaa

    So I went to the doc office with one of my kids yesterday for a well visit and I brought along an industrial size tub of clorox wipes and proceeded to clean everything. He knows the drill, don't touch anything but I still wiped everything down. It affirms my doing so when the wipe is BLACK after I scrub the exam table! *shivers*

    Anyway, I'm a new follower dropping by from a blog hop and would love it if you'd consider dropping by and following back! :)

  12. Hi America's Next Top Mommy!

    That is sooooo awesome that you brought along Clorox to the doc office. See, I wish the people who worked there would do that, but knows WHEN that stuff gets cleaned! And ohhhhh Lordy do I know what you mean about the Clorox wipe coming back BLACK. Check this out:



    Anyway, hi, and following you back! :)