(Or is that Wifes Wap?)
I've always wondered what it would be like if I went on Wife Swap. Scratch that, I KNOW what it would be like. You know how they always pair totally opposite women/families? A rich bitch goes to live in a hovel, and the other wife lives in a mansion; an unschooler goes to live in a house where the children have every single minute of their day scheduled, planned, and busy; a mother who lives to serve her husband goes to live in a house where the wife doesn't lift a finger; etc.
Yeah. So here's what that would mean for me.
They'd give my household a wife who:
- OMG wears shoes in my pristine house
- Does not wash her hands or the kids' hands upon first coming home
- Takes my children to the McDonald's McPlaguePlace
- Uses the bathroom without washing
- Changes Naomi's diapers without washing
- Brings the shared bum-bum sponge back into fashion
- Gives Maya all the soda pop--scratch that, all the Red Bull--she wants
- Lets the kids watch horror movies
- Fills the baby's bed with a plush baby bumper, five pillows, eighteen stuffed animals, and four blankets
- Lets Maya play in the street or totally out of sight at the park
- Teaches Maya to flick her boogers
- Cuts the mold off cheese and keeps using it
- Leaves bean soup out overnight and serves it the next day
- Lounges around bare-ass nekked with her bum-bum right on my couch
- Brings in three cats and a dog who scootches
- Sneezes and coughs with wild abandon
- Lets the baby chew on the restaurant table
- Lets the baby play with and gnaw on her cell phone and keys
- Lets our new scootching dog lick the baby's face and mouth
- Shares a bath with my kids
- Goes lake swimming and doesn't shower after
- Lets Maya mix up her Play-Doh colors (HORROR!)
- Mixes up a nice batch of raw meatloaf with her bare hands and then merely wipes them on a kitchen towel
- Throws away all my Clorox wipes and hand sani
- Lets my kids eat carrots freshly plucked out of the soil
- Makes mud-pies with the kids and looks away when Naomi actually takes a bite
- And likes her chicken pink in the middle.
Maybe they'd even bring in the lady from the infamous "High Meat" household. (Hilarious sidenote: My husband names his character "High Meat" when he plays MMORPGs.)
"It's got a wang to it."
"Do you believe that God would put anything on this earth to hurt us?"
Yeah, I don't know, how about motherfucking sharks?
...Or listeria, or E. Coli, or rabid bats, or salmonella, or lice, or yellowjackets, or jerkoffs in grade school who throw encyclopedias at your head, or crocodiles, or campylobacter, or bears, or or strep, or staph, or legionella, or leprosy, or cholera, or hungry lions, or Lady Gaga??
Just to name a few.
But I digress.
Anyway, I think the wife they paired my husband with would do all these things and more.
...Or else she'd just be really fun and outgoing and actually take the kids places and get her butt off the internet. You know, whatever.