Tuesday, January 17, 2012

It's the Great Wuff, Charlie Brown!

So we are back from our adventure at the Great Wolf Lodge!

The trip was part success and part OCD nightmare. Allow me to break it down for you, in the LONGEST BLOG EVER.

First, we left the baby in my mom's care. Now, there's no one more capable than she (except for yours truly of course). My mom is a great babysitter & grandma. But we've never left the baby overnight before, so I was sad. It was nice, though, to have a couple days out with just our big girl, too.

Then, we had to make the drive in a ton of snow. Two hours south. If you haven't heard already, Seattle is having a major snowstorm. Well, more accurately, the convergence zones are, and I'll give you three guesses as to whether we live in one. OK WE DO. So just getting out of the neighborhood is terrifying. (Oh, and coming home today, with way more snow than before, was no picnic either.)

Once we arrived, my husband checked in while we waited in the car to unload our stuff. This was the first cute pic of the lodge that I took, the front doors!

It was funny, as I sat there waiting for my husband to finish registering at the desk, I watch 1,000 people go in and out of the doors. And I noticed that not one, not a single person seemed to care about the germs on the door handle. In fact, they handled the door more than necessary with full palm contact, touching it in several places, etc. I was like, "Am I really the only one? Am I the only person who thinks about the atrocities that lie on door handles and doors themselves?"

Anyhowz, inside, there was the adorable lobby:

One of my favorite things that I passed was this picture, in a kids' cave:

Dude. It's a THREE WOLF MOON painting. Could there be anything more awesome?? I ask you this.

Then we went to our room, the Wolf Den Suite (hereafter known as the Wuff Den, because when Maya saw her Wolf Den sleeping cave, she said, "This is where the baby wuffs sleep!"). The room was frickin adorable. I mean, I was squealing like a veritable piggy at the cute. Check out the Wuff Den!!

The rooms dens at Great Wuff Lodge have suuuper high ceilings. I don't know why or how, since this fucker has EIGHT FLOORS and it doesn't seem nearly tall enough.

Then I was done squealing at the cute, and it was time for bidness. It was bidness time.

I took my trusty Clorox wipes neatly in hand, and proceeded to clean EVERYTHING. Yes, everything.

I cleaned:

  • The living room countertops
  • The tables
  • The light switches
  • The inside doorknob
  • The TV remotes
  • Basically the whole Wuff Den children's sleep area itself
  • The bunkbeds
  • The phone
  • The alarm clock
  • The pen
  • The activity guide
  • The dresser handles and front boards even though we weren't going to use the dresser
  • The headboard posts on the king bed (because people touch those fuckers with Sex Hands)
  • The shower knob
  • The bathroom sink handles
  • The bathroom sink counter
  • The toilet flusher
  • The toilet lid
  • The toilet SEAT

ET CETERA. I did everything short of splashing pure bleach around.

Once things were wiped down, I called reception and asked for two more sheets. Previously, I had swiped two sheet bundles off a maid's cart--

--but after arriving back at our room, I realized I was holding two bundles of approximately 100 pillowcases each. Oops. But actually, they came in handy. More on that in a second.

So I took the new sheets and put them on top of the duvet and tucked the top under, while the sheet below it was tucked over it. So the entire bedspread was contained. I did the same on the kid bunkbeds. Then I put a fresh pillowcase over every single pillow in the joint, the opposite way of the first pillowcase, so that we wouldn't touch the pillows by mistake. I hate it when that happens.

Then, I took those 9023842184 pillowcases and covered the entire couch and armrests with them. In case you're wondering, OH YES I DID.

I now present, Great Wuff Lodge Before & After:

Bed before:

Bed after:

Bunks before:

Bunks after:

And my pride & joy, the couch. The couch before:

The couch after:

lollllll you know you <3 me

Even though things were cleanish, I did my fair share of freaking out and saying, "Don't touch! Don't touch! Get off the carpet! Don't touch!" And of course, just walking on the carpets skivved my shits. Ahh well. Baby steps.

After we cleaned all the things, we went to the enormous waterpark. It was fabulous!

We stayed for hours. We did almost everything, over and over again. I loved the big waterslides. Although, I couldn't help but wonder, as I climbed all the stairs up to ride the waterslides, if any of the water dripping on my head from the landings above contained urine.

At one point, we stopped at the snack bar for some junkfood goodness. I got cheese nachos, and my husband got a mini-pizza. Maya got a PB&J. My OCD flared up real hard, because I saw the womyn who was handling our food--er, really handle our food. She wasn't wearing gloves, and she touched my chips (in fact, she picked one up off the counter and put it BACK on my nachos). Then she manhandled the pizza, as she cut it and put it in a box. I was sore disgusted.

Anyway, then we went back to our room to shower off the filth of the swimming pools, and decided to try to take a nap. No go. Nobody could sleep, even though Maya was exhausted. So then, we went to "gr8_space," their arcade (lol r u 4srs). That was two tons of fun, as we taught Maya to say, except for...DUN DUN DUN...the germs. OH the germs. I was saying "Maya don't touch your face!" every two seconds. But we did have fun playing a ton of games, and we got 278 tickets, which equaled exactly one set of sparkly lipglosses for kids and one tiny pack of Sweet Tarts. lol.

At some point, we wandered a cute gift shop, where we bequeathed unto Maya a sorcerer's hat, a silver crown, and a huge heavy golden coin. (She really wanted that coin.)

Later that night, we headed over to Camp Critter, a restaurant where you could eat under overhead tents. It was v. cute.

I had a rather tasty Mediterranean wrap, and even though I damn-near broke my tooth on a kalamata olive pit, I enjoyed it. Oh but my absolute favorite part (<--- sarcasm) was when Maya cheerfully piped up, "Mommy, you're so fat!" Thanks kid. Thanks a lot. Zut alors!

Oh, and as usual, we took our handy alcohol wipes to the restaurant and had at it. Wiped down the table and our hands (even after washing), touched the ketchup and salt with napkins, etc. You know me.

Also at dinner, Maya decided to sing "This Old Man." Here is how she sang it:

This old man, he played one,
He played knick-knack on my straw
With a knick-knack paddyback gav a dog a bone,
This old man came rolling home.

This old man, he played two,
He played knick-knack on my lamp
With a knick-knack paddyback gav a dog a bone,
This old man came rolling home.

And so forth. She kept substituting the real words for the things she saw around her, and my absolute favorite was "knick-knack paddyback gav a dog a bone."

Oh, and whenever you dine at Camp Critter, apparently they give you wolf wuff ears. Maya loved hers.

If you're wondering why she's in jammies, it's because right after dinner, they had a kids' show followed by storytime. All the kids wore jams.

The show was kind of hilarious, because at first everything was fine:

And then the dark-haired ladything got stuck in the door and it never fixed itself. It stayed like this the remainder of the show. The talking trees and moose and things all stopped moving, too, while the voices continued. Behold, the creepy creepy frozen lady:

It reminded me of the scary lady in Ju-On.

 Anyway, at the very end of the show, something magical happened. It started snowing! Soapsuds! :)

It was great. Maya had a cow. Here are some random merrymakers and then one of Maya:

After the show came storytime. Danielle came out and read a story about wuffs, and then all the kids got to have pictures taken with Wiley the Wuff. Soooo cute.

Then it was back to the room for a lovely glass (or three) of wine and bedtime. Oh, but first, Maya was drawing a picture, and I asked her to tell me about her drawing, and she said, "It's you, Mama! And you're standing on the water--" [here she points to the nose of the mama she drew, and finishes:] "--that's why you have a SNORTLER on!" My husband and I laughed our bum-bums off for like 15 minutes. Snortler!!

Anyway, come bedtime, at first I tried sleeping in the nice cozy king bed, but the featherbed and down comforter conspired against me, and my nostrils SLAMMED SHUT with allergy swelling. So I decided that the Wuff Den would be the girls' room, and I decided to sleep on the top bunk. (1) Because its fun to sleep on the top bunk, and (2) because it's fun sleeping in a girls' room, and (3) because shut up.

I actually went to sleep pretty quickly, which is remarkable due to the severity of my insomnia. Only hitch?        We forgot to put Maya in a Pull-Up before bed (yes, homegirl still wears Pull-Ups at night--child just will not night train), and at 4 am she woke up in a state because she couldn't find Coggy, her little stuffed dinosaur. I climbed down the bunk ladder to perform a Coggy Search & Rescue and thusly discovered the absent Pull-Up. Lo and befrigginhold, Maya was soaked through and through. Fuuuuu...

After turning on the light and finding Coggy (who was right beside her) and changing her pee-peed jammies and putting a Pull-Up on her and putting a towel down for her to sleep on and then going pee myself, I was wide awake. In fact I am typing this particular portion of my blog at like 5 am from the top bunk (on the godforsaken "experimental internet" on my Kindle, with a dumb little book light) because I still can't sleep. Fuuuuu...

How many more hours until we can go swimming??


The next morning, Maya was up at 7:30 am (I never went back to sleep at all), so we started to get ready and also pack up to check out. (You could stay at the lodge and do anything you wanted, including the waterpark, all day, even after check-out.) After loading up, we went to breakfast. I had the most un-credible omelette: green onions, black olives, spinach, tomato, cheese, and something else I'm forgetting. Then after that, it was back to the room for a quick wardrobe change, into our swimsuits, and we all headed out to the waterpark. We played for several hours, until we were kind of burned out, then showered in the locker rooms (which was HORRIBLE for me--using a shared shower, stepping on the shower floor, having to get changed in an open area and trying not to expose myself, trying not to step on the floor outside the shower, pulling clothes up a still-wet, sticky body, sweating like a sweaty horse...) and changed into clothes we'd brought separate from our other luggage. After, we all shared one mini-pizza, during which Maya was being so obnoxious that I said, "Let's be quiet. Let's see who can be quiet the longest." Maya paused five seconds, then said, "Not me." We loledirl.

After snack, we went to the Cub Club to make our own lotions. Actually, we wandered by, then realized the lotion-making segment didn't begin until 2:30 pm, and it was only 12:45 pm. We debated what we were going to do, because we basically had nothing else to do until then, and we didn't want to wait. Plus the snow was getting really bad. SNOWNOEZ!!!1 So I peeked in and asked the girl, "Do you think there's any way we could do the lotion-making now?" She was soooooo sweet. She said we definitely could, since the entire place was totally empty, then she set out to help us.

Maya and I each made one. First we sniffed a ton of oils, from patchouli (yiiick) to cucumber watermelon, and decided on our favorite smells. Maya chose a Christmas scent that smelled like oranges and spice, and she also picked "sugar cookie." They mixed pretty well! Mine was an odd combination, but turned out heavenly. I picked lilac, "tsunami axe" (which smelled fresh and a tiny bit like men's body wash), and "Egyptian musk," which was more soapy, not really at all musky. I blended them until they were just right, and now I have a delicious, light, fresh smelling lotion. Oh, and we got to color them. Mine is pale blue, and Maya's is green. (Her favorite color.) Maya named both of our lotions. She named hers "Green Butterfly." She named mine "Flower." :)

Oh, and the girl who was so cute and nice who helped us make these lotions, she kept talking about how OCD is just because she likes things in order and in place and gets mad when someone just dumps supplies in a big box or something. I was like, "Bish you cute n shit but you ain't know what OCD is!"

After that, we hit the road! This was the snow the day before:

This was the snow the next morning:

Rainbow? Or trick of the camera?

This is our snow at home. Tomorrow we are predicted to get, and I quote, between 10 inches and 3-4 FEET. What. That's not even a thing.

Look, our snowman lost his head and is leaning drunkenly.

You can't tell from that pic, but we have at least 6 inches. That's what he said.

Anyway, we managed to get through our ridic snowy neighborhood and safely into the driveway. Whew. Then we all took showers/baths, again, because that's how we roll, baby.



As a sidenote, you'd think with all the walking and climbing stairs in the lobby and the waterpark--carrying a huge innertube, to boot--would actually make you lose a bit of weight or at least balance out the large intake of calories. But wouldn't you know it, this here bitch actually gained weight. FFS.


A few extra pictures for your pleasure:

Oh, and one of my favorite parts was encountering...AN ICE CREAM PEDICURE SPOT for kids. So that their feet can taste like ice cream.

So, basically, I was in a constant state of OCD terror, but still managed to have a genuinely good time. Not sure how that works, but it did. :)


PS: Here's our snow this morning!

Dude our big tall flower tree broke! Or is just bent. We shall see. 

The Really End!


  1. O my guava, that place is so cute and cool! What a great trip! I'm glad you were able to not be fully engulfed by OCD-ness and have a great time with your fam.

    Thanks for sharing!

  2. Questions (beucase I am nosy and obnoxious):

    1. How did you handle all that used water washing all over you in the water park? That skeeves me out and I am basically a disgusting human being.

    2. I am shocked to see that your hubs is bearded. Unless you allowed your child to sit on a stranger's lap, inwhich case ignore this question. Does facial hair bother you at all? It seems like it would be a velcro patch for germs.

    3. Why did you make up both bunk beds when you only have one kid? Obvs you know yourself since well since you ended up sleeping/blogging there. Nice job.

    Glad yall had fun!

  3. Crap...I forgot one.

    4. Why the crap do thay still have christmas decor up? Helllloooo. It is MLK. Redonk in my opinion.

    and i am done.

  4. Thea:

    1. I just had to turn my OCD off. That rarely works, but in this case, wtf was I supposed to do, not go in the glorious waterpark and on all those waterslides? :) I just thought, and in fact said to my husband, "I sure hope they use enormous amounts of chlorine." The splash pad part of the water park really did make my OCD tingle, because I heard from a guy who designed one splash pad that the shallow water is incredibly hard to keep disinfected, and that he used chlorine and tubes where the water was cleaned by UV lights. And this place had no UV lights. So yeah, I was really grossed out, especially when water would drip on me from above, but I just tried my best to be a functioning member of society and deal with it.

    2. Yeah, he has a fine fine red goatee. :) I really like it on him, so I ask him to never shave it, but trust me, I know enough about how germy beards get (I read a study once) to be appropriately skeeved. But he's just so cute with it. :)

    3. I can't explain this, but I am drawing an absolute blank as to where I got the third sheet to make up the top bunk. I honestly can't remember. Oh God, early-onset Alz. So I can't really answer this one. Wtf.

    4. I know! I walked in and was like, "Er, Christmas? Hokay." But it was lovely to behold! And hilariously enough, the day we were leaving, Santa was coming for a visit later that night. hahaha wut.

    Thank you for your questions! I love to answer them. :)

  5. PS: Why do I always think of a ton of things to add to my post AFTER I post it? Yrrgh.

  6. I so want to go! Maybe for Grant's birthday in April...I don't think there are any school breaks during then (??), so it shouldn't be too crowded. THAT is my fear with that place - I don't want it to be super crowded to where I'd feel uncomfortable. :(

    Did you leave all the pillowcases on the couch? I wonder what housekeeping thought. :)

  7. It looks like you all had a blast!
    I think you did great with your OCD and being around water. I'm not big on going to the river or lakes because I think about not only peeps wizzing in the water but fish wizzing and pooping. Lol. Where do you find your pics that you didn't take? Your pics are one of my favorite parts about reading your blog. I have picture envy. :)

  8. I want to go! What a fun time. My boys would love it.

    I have a 3 wolves moon t-shirt, that was given to me as a gift :-) I blogged about it once, ages ago.

    I sooooo have the insomnia you speak of. It sucks.

  9. Ches: Yeah, we went over MLK Jr Day, and the following day, and it really wasn't crowded at all. If you can avoid Spring Break, and go on weekdays, you're golden. Oh, and no, I was too ashamed to leave the pillowcases on the couch. BUT, I left them in a huge pile with the other 10,000 I swiped, so you know housekeeping was like, "What?" And I left the sheets on the bed. :)

    Chelle: I grew up swimming in a lake, but nowadays, I'm COMPLETELY grossed out by it. I remember all the duck poop we'd pass. Nasty. Oh, and I just google for pictures I didn't take. I get an idea crop up in my head, like, "This needs a picture here," and I have an idea of what I'm looking for, so I google a phrase and pick a good pic. :)

    Lisa: I totally gave my husband a 3 wolf moon shirt for his birthday, years ago! Should I be offended that he only wears it in the house? lol. He laughed so hard when he opened that gift. :) Oh, and eff insomnia. It ruins everything.

  10. I think the best thing is that you still take your family to do things like this, even though you would feel so much better in the sanctity of your home. You make yourself go, and look at the wonderful time your little girl had!

    So what if you put pillow cases on the couch? Those things are NASTY!

  11. Thanks girl. Yeah, I still try to do SOME normal things with my kids. I'm really glad we went.