Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I've Had It With These Motherf*cking Poops in These Motherf*cking Potty Chairs!

Forget Snakes on a Plane. We've got Dukes down the Drain, and I'm over it.

Ever since we potty-trained Maya (it's been over a year now), she has used her little white plastic Bjorn potty chair. For pee-pees and poo-poos. It was the best option for awhile because we could keep it where we needed it, so it could always be close at hand bum-bum.

Then we moved it into Maya bedroom so that she could go potty if she needed to during a nap or the night. (Which she still has yet to do, anyway.) And I know, gross, a potty in a bedroom.

But the worst part of it has been cleaning out the poops. I just absolutely dread hearing, "Mommmmmm, I went poo-poo!" (1) because of the wiping of the bum-bum and (2) because of the cleaning of the potty. Yaaarrgggh.

So after having Maya assume standing pike position so I can wipe her bum-bum, I take the potty bowl into the bathroom, open the toilet seat lid (which we always keep down, and so should you!), and dump the lump. Then I clean it out with at least three Lysol wipes, then I spray it down with Lysol spray. Heavily.

Then I wash like I've never washed before.

The reason I don't have Maya use the regular toilet is because of the way kids grip it and grasp it and clamber up on it. Then they sit there and usually hold the edges of the toilet seat as they go.

Look! Even Mr. Hanky uses Potty Mitts!

And yeah, I know I could just teach her to always wash her hands after using the toilet, but she goes potty covert-like, without telling me, and I know she'd forget to wash or even use hand-sani sometimes. Plus, I'm afraid she'll fall in, like I did when I was her age, emotionally scarring me forever.

Anyway, the time has come. I'm tired of scraping motherfucking dukes out of a motherfucking bowl. Plus, she's entering preschool next month (another source of agonizing anxiety for me, but that's an entry for another day, child), so I guess I have to teach her how to properly use a toilet and always wash afterward.

Or, just stock up on Potty Mitts.

Maybe if she gets really good at toilet hygiene, 
I'll get her these cozy lil critters as a Yay For You! present:


  1. aaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I won't be buying the Baby Bjorn potty I considered for Ian lol The poop cleaning grosses me out. I to can't stand to watch kids touch any part of the toilet. We have always used the ring seat things that go on top of the regular toilet seat until they are big enough to sit on the toilet without it. Toilets are just nasty plain and simple.

  2. Yeah, Ariana, ain't no way to win.

    The Bjorn potty served us well enough, it's just that you have to be willing to dump a duke and witness the backsplash, use Clorox wipes, keep track of what you've touched and then clean it later, then wash your hands INCLUDING THE KNUCKLES. :)

    It was handy when we had it in the living room and we'd just sit her on it as she watched TV, during our week of potty training, but man it's gross to clean. Although some are grosser. Some come with a padded seat that lifts up or something and I'm all, "NO. THX. YOU!!"

    But real toilets are gross too. No way to win. Why God why?!

  3. PS: My computer isn't letting me comment on your blog. It goes to the captcha word verification, but gives me no place to enter the word. Huh.

  4. Glad my boys' potty days are over! Arghhhhhh!!!! You poor thing!

  5. I just LOVE that Samuel L. Jackson got a label on this post. Luckily my daughter is a BIG girl and by the time she got the hang of that portapoty (and knocked it over a couple of times) she was big enough for the big potty. Where she certainly does grip the sides... so gross.

  6. Veronica, ooohh, but then you have to deal with messy messy boys who can't ever seem to aim. ;-)

    And Laura: Ask Santa for some Potty Mitts! Or sterilize the shitter every day. UGH! LOSE-LOSE!

  7. Caius has been going poop in the little potty for a few weeks now - we FINALLY got him out of diapers. So I'm still riding the "no more diapers!" high...but I can definitely see how cleaning the little potty could get old quickly. He's only gone poop on the big potty once (we were at my sister's and he HAD TO GO and there were no other options - so he sat there and held onto me with a vice-like grip, obviously afraid of falling in). It was heavenly though...just a flush and it was gone. :)