Tuesday, September 18, 2012

You Are Not the Only Resident of Your Body. God Help Us All.

Another "Hank the Sci Guy" on more creepy crawlies and germs and parasites galore.

Again, I can't seen to embed video, but here's your link for an other kickass video.

So, to summarize: 

As you know, a parasite is a creature than makes its living off another living being. Sometimes they're bad, something's they're really bad, and, Science Guy is trying to convince me, sometimes they're not THAT BAD.

Although I'd prefer to do without parasites in my body altogether thx I WANT TO BE PURE.

Some organisms that help are defined as having a mutualistic symbiotic relationships. This is the case with the about 100 trillion (trillion??!!) microbes that are living inside ourselves at any given moment. How are these beastly horrific parasitic monsters "earning their keep"? I'm so glad you asked. 

They kill harmful bacteria in our noses, they form a protective coating on our skin, and the majority live within our intestines, doing all kinds of necessary bullshit like breaking down the food that mere humans cannot do ourselves (hopefully breaking down the massive amount of Doritos and sushi I consume). These critters and bacteria attempt to teach our immune systems not to generally "freak the fuck out," if I may paraphrase. They spend a good deal of time killing off the harmful bacteria and then after their kickass job is done, they somehow find their way into our guts. Without these good "gut bacteria," let's just say, you'd find yourself rocking the Depends on the regular.

Kids these days are apparently going hog-wild and inserting this "good bacteria" into people using method called "FECAL TRANSPLANTS" which is apparently not a euphemism or a kind way of putting it--it's what you think it is). Which, I'm sorry I cannot stand behind. I CANNOT ABIDE FECAL-MATTER TRANSPLANTS.

We also host a great many parasites and bacteria than do nothing more than mooch off your system, living large on your guts and blood and immune system, and have no other purpose than to propegate their grody species. They apparently do "nothing to us," and yet they gain in their own way. The eyelash mite is a prime example. These tiny little arthropods hang on to your eyelashes and eat your skin and oils, but basically cause no harm and yet live to propgate their own fouls species. Except fucking gross.

God, Jesus, I believe in you, yet I cannot understand your reasoning for placing parasites, amoebas, lice, gnats, and other horrifing atrocities in the world. I cannot understand why people cannot track the germs like red-blooded CrimeStopper Chopper 4 Getaways. It's so easy to track the spread of germs; why doesn't this affect people? Couldn't you have come up with a better solution? I mean, I love you Dear God and Precious Jesus, but I can't help but thing I could have Designed This Shit better. You should have asked me. I could have designed this shit better myself. No offense to Your Holiness.

So here you will find that GROSSNESS ENSUES. Now it's time to freak the shit out.

Parasites are scheming and clever and can take down an animal much much much much bigger than they are.

Parasites that feed on humans are, to put it in less-than-scientific terms: protozoans, the worms, the crawly bugs, and also the "freaky stuff."

PROTOZOA: They can get into your drinking water, or through the saliva of a tick or mosquito that bites you, and their one goal is to TAKE YOU DOWN. Dead. Dead dead deaddsky. Screwed. They aim to kill.

Prime example: Naegleria Fowleri: a.k.a. the MOTHERFUCKING BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA.

You're having a lovely day at the lake or pond, and you take a dip, and this gem of an ameoba wiggles its motherfucking way right the shit up your nose. And then? THEN, makes its way to your forebrain and works its way into your nerve tissue. Your brain swells magnificently, and, then, 98% of the time you die. Bygones. Helpful hint: Please purify your neti-pot water.

Side note: While Neti pots are the greatest invention known to man and impart so much relief, you must be absolutely sure to use sterilized/boiled water to irrigate your sinuses, lest you shove some brain-eating amoebas directly into your skull. You're welcome.

WORMS: Worms are by far the worst kind of parasite. To quote Science Guy: "Parasitic worms are in it to win it. And when I say win it, I mean breed so many worms that they fill your whole body and coming out your nose or your butt." After that, you have to look forward to massive swelling of the legs, arms, breast, and genitals of their victims. Et cetera.

CRAWLY BUGS:  (My personal WORST CASE SCENARIO): These fuckers feed on you from the outside, and this includes bedbugs, scabies, lice, genital crabs, etc. Might be easier to remedy than intestinal bullshit (where you take a few pills and crap out a footlong worm), but doesn't make them any less FUCK HORRIFYING. Lice and bedbugs are my absolute worst fear, because of the unBELIEVable difficulty in getting ride of these motherfathers. Headlice, Body Lice, Public lice. They are a plague. Fuck 'em.

Are you itchy yet?

THE FREAKY ONES: The Botfly lays its eggs under your skin, where they hatch and then feed on you until they are read to "erupt," as it were. And then there's the Candiru, a fish that lives in the Amazon River, and loves the smell of urine. Should you be so foolish as to take a covert piss whilst boating down the Amazon, know that these fuckers will swim up your got damn urethra, your worst mistake, until you need surgical help to remove this motherfucker from your junk. Just, ouch?

Take note. And employ Purell on the regular. And also don't touch everything ever, especially your nose, eyes, and mouth. Just basically don't touch anything ever. It's your gamble.

And fuck flu season for encroaching. Life is hard for little JoJo.


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