Catch-Up.

Random fact of the day: In my world where everything has horrible germs on it, and I can't touch anything, I like to delude myself that germs cannot live on paper or cloth. Sometimes it's all that gets me through in life. I try to force myself to not wash my hands after touching papers that people have handed me, or to die a thousand deaths at sorting through some clothes someone donated to me (OK OK I STILL HAVE TO WASH AFTER THAT SECOND PART). But knowing that germs are everywhere, I still like to pretend they're not on fabric or paper. It gets me by, thinking those are safer to touch than, say, doorknobs and toilet flushers and restaurant menus and EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS GODFORSAKEN WORLD. I like to think paper and cloth/fabric can't harbor germs. Even though I know I'm wrong. But let me enjoy my fantasy world.

This holds true except for USPS mail. After I open my mail I wash my hands with a quickness. Because, that's shit's been from New Jersey to Texas to Portland to Seattle and touched by millions of bum-bum germs and I can't have that.

But since you can't soak books in bleach before reading (yea though I've given this much thought and have attempted to perfect a scenario in which this is plausible), I have to take my chances and just bite the bullet and go for it and OMG TOUCH THINGS SOMETIMES.

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In other news, Maya is back in Pre-K, and she's taking swimming lessons the same day, so our Mondays and Thursdays are really super busy. Stresses me out, the getting up early and the wrangling two kids just to get Maya home from school (unbuckling the giant heavy baby from her mystery carseat contraption just to take her inside for 340 second to pick up my big girl, the load everyone up, sani some hands, then go home and have Maya take off her shoes, strip down to her nudey pants--

--and wash her hands and wash my hands and use hand-sani again, and clean the baby and clean the lunchbox and just generally disinfect. Coming home from anywhere it far more complicated and stressful than packing up to go OUT, even though going out means loading up the entire house and the proverbial kitchen sink. Because coming home means there has to be a system in place whereby the kids' shoes are off and clothes are off and hands and clothes are cleaned immed before they touch anything. It's touch to wrangle--it's hard with just two kids--how do OCDers with more kids handle it?

Plus, Maya is a major nail-biter and always has her fingers in her mouth. I've trained her well not to touch her eyes or nose, but she bites her nails on the constant. Her fingers are always in the mouth. This makes kitty angry.

 So surely cold and flu germs are having a party in there, all up in her mouth from her grody nails. Good times.

As for swim class, it's driving my nuts. Maya has a good time just bobbing about in the ass soup bum-bum chowder water, but there's got to be more than taking one turn every 6 kids just to take one around a very small swimming zone, with no real instruction (the instructors just carry the kids through the water basically). I look at it like, it's a chance to get poor stifled Maya out of the house and do something that she enjoys, but I can't help wish we were getting our money's worth. They also scam us on time--classes are half an hour but we're lucky to get 20 minutes of time out of it, split among a whole bunch of kids. You can only spend so much tie going over "What's a pool rule?" (where the kids have no idea what he's even asking) or being asked "How do we use a paddle board, to we sit on it? Do we ride it like a horse? Nooooo!" before the kids are finally asked to jump in. And he doesn't teach kids to jump far without help (he underestimates their bravery), or to bob underwater, or other important things. I want some technique taught, and I'm not finding it. Oh well. We'll give it a few more tries before deciding whether to continue.

Either way, having Pre-K and swim on the same day is stressful to the max. I am a person who does not like to have anything on my schedule, anything looming in the future, appointments, dates with friends, doctors, etc. I look at my schedule and see flu shot vax appointments, routine vax appointments, play dates, coffee with a good friend, school, swim, and an upcoming birthday to plan, and I get really overwhelmed. I know I should be able to take this day by day, moment by moment, but I get so caught up in the overwhelmitude.

I just feel like I'm not equipped to deal with daily life. I mean, daily life means getting up early, getting breakfast going, packing lunches, taking the kids to school or playdates, trying to squeeze in the baby's nap, running errands, picking up Maya from school, usually making a Starbucks run for her for a kids' hot chocolate (because she's spoiled like that), and oh yes, cleaning this endless pit of a house that I cannot stay on top of. For someone who panics easily, it's tough to want to do anything or go anywhere, but when I give into that, that's just perpetuates the evil cycle of isolation and loneliness and depression. Then I just stay at home more or want to cancel every appointment on the book or whatever.

I fully expected life to get a little more assbutt difficult after Maya started Pre-K, and I'm trying to take it in stride, but the very moment that Maya comes home with the stomach flu or rotavirus H1N1, my first instinct will be to withdraw her from school again. Which I can't. It's not an option this time. Kid's gotta go to school. Mama has to suck it up.

So I guess we're in for it. A year or two of sick ALL the time,

Gotta put in my big-girl panties and buck up. But it's just so hard. I live with constant stress that eats away at my at night and makes me wake up at 4 am thinking 23749023709432 thoughts, none of which I can really control, but all of which upset me anyway. I'm a work in progress, but I sure as shit hope to see some progress soon.

Fair Enough.

So last weekend was actually a delightful one. I somehow had enough energy and motivation, and slightly less anxiety, about getting out of the house and actually doing shit.

The first thing we did on Saturday was go to the local town center to have lunch with my husband's mom and grandma. I ordered ceviche, which of course is raw fish, so that in itself was "brave" of me to take that risk, since I'm usually so food-phobic, especially in restaurants. I mean, OMG WHAT IF I GOT A PARASITE? ...Well, come to think of it, a nice roundworm or tapeworm or two could help me shed some of this unwanted weight....

Bygones.

Anyway, my other major accomplishment was that I let the baby eat tortilla chips...straight off the restaurant table. Now, if you'll please recall, this is what I've previously wiped up when I use Lysol wipes on restaurant tables:

Totes groce right?

I admit I did give a cursory swipe of the table with Sani-Hands...

 ...but didn't do my usual crazed wipedown deep cleaning like a white demon on crack. The baby also touched things like, OMG, the highchair, and crayons, and other things, and I still let her eat chips with her hands. This is a major accomplishment!

Afterward, we all wandered the toy store, and I actually let my kids touch stuff. I know, right?

Doesn't mean I didn't use large quantities of hand sani the second we got back in the car to go home, but still. Baby steps. Baby steps.

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Sunday was by far the most fun day. The fam and I went to a local Farmers Market. They had everything you could ever want, from fresh peaches and blackberries and raspberries and corn and cucumbers and plums, to pastries and headbands and fairy wings and knit blankets and and glass sculptures and jewel earrings and just basically every beautiful or crafty thing under the sun. I went a little crazy and ended by buying a lot of things. Here's some of my loot:

This one shows the fuckamaze flowers I bought for a mere US$10, plus fresh-picked raspberries, these divine tiny plums that look and taste a bit like cherries, some pickled garlic (omg my husband will move out if I eat these), spices to make chip-dips with (lime-cilantro, garlic-habanero, and garlic & chive), some honey sticks for Maya, and this gorgeous glass bottle painted with ladybugs, perfect for Naomi's ladybug-themed room. I plan to put some lovely red flowers in it instead of using it for, say, olive oil or something.

The next pic shows a few of the things I forgot to add the first time, namely, a beautiful ladybug bracelet made especially for my little ladybug Naomi, and some beer-bread mix.

And at last, one more picture of my flowers, because they are the most delightful thing I've seen in a long time:

They make me so happy as I sit here typing, even right now:

The market was right on the naval station pier, so we had a gorgeous view of the Puget Sound and of the boats and such. It was such a beautiful day. I had a really wonderful time. Oh, and my major accomplishments for the day? I let Maya snack on a few fresh berries straight from the baskets, with her bare dirty hands and without washing the berries first and knowing full well that God knows who had pawed through them first. YAY ME!

Just kidding.

No, I mean, she did eat the berries, but cured? lol forever.

Anyway, it was a beautiful day.

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On Monday, since my husband Code Red had the day off, we went to the Monroe Fair. I had actually been dreading it, since fairs are filthy business rife with smells of fried onions, filthy carnies, and vomit. I also knew we'd have to let Maya go on some rides, like the carousel, and she'd have to, yes, once again, touch things. Like, I know you don't get how hard this is for me, to merely let my kids touch things, but trust me, it's hard.

But we had a good time. It was another sunny day, and we wandered all about the grandstands, looked at all the cows and baby cows and pigs and baby pigs and goats and baby goats and other such adorableness. I even went on a ride or two, namely, the Super Shot, which brings you up approx 923749038523 feet in the air and then drops you in a dead freefall.

Here I am getting ready to go, stomach in delicious knots:

Here I am on my way up:

And here I am after my death-defying drop:

I am hardcore, yo. Even did it with a walking cast on.

It was a blast.

I also bought a few wonderful things, like a beautiful ring for on the cheap, and an even more beautiful bracelet (for $5!! She could have sold those things for $20 at least!). I also bought some carved wooden frames with the girls' names in them, which I will put photos in and hang on the wall. Oh, oh!! And three air plants! (The pics on that link do not do them justice.) I love them, they are so beautiful and sweet. I plan to put them in gorgeous tiny vases filled with glass beads. I hope I do not kill them, as I have a habit of killing even succulents, which are basically unkillable.

Oh and I let the baby have a taste of fair food. Fair food is notorious for being, let's just say, unsanitary. But I did it. I did it.

Here are a few (thousand) photos from our adventure:

These goats were snuzzling and loving on each other.

Precious dada and Maya.

Naomi remained unimpressed by the entire experience.

Gorgeous Maya and less-gorgeous JoJo who could benefit from a tapeworm or two from ceviche.

Fairs are so exciting you have to RUN!!

Maya is astounded by the tiny, tiny piglets born 17 days ago.

Is this considered a pornographic photo? BEWBS

Naomi's first ride ever! At first she was nonplussed by the experience, then had a blast.

Here I have to show you her intense concentration on getting this pony thing just right.

My gorgeous darling and a wee goat behind her.

And last but not least, the ickiest part of the day, seeing one of those stands that sells "lotion bars." (They look just like bars of soap but they're made of waxy lotion and you rub them about your hands to moisturize them.) They offer free sample bars for you to try, and I cannot begin to fathom the amount of filthy paws that had previously manhandled those lotion bars. Creeped me out so hard.

And on top of this very pleasant weekend, I've actually felt a bit...dare I say? Happy? Who knows, because my moods change on a dime, but I've felt a lot more content the last 24 hours or so. Maybe it's my new med, which, to treat symptoms, and I quote, is "unknown how it works at this time." Good times. But hey, if it works, it works, even if I'm taking something that might make me grow a third arm.

This weekend gave me hope. but being the Debbie Downer pessimist that I am, I can only wait for the other shoe to drop.

Oh well. I had me a v. nice weekend. And I hope you all did too. :)

Oh Adam.

So I was watching Man vs. Food Amazing Eats, Adam Richman's newest show. I was amazed and impressed when I saw the restaurant owner preparing food with latex gloves.

And then...THEN, Adam stepped in to help.

Sans gloves.

Who knows what's on that fucker's hands?

Oh Adam, you handsome, disgusting bastard.

But then, I even lost respect for the glove-clad restaurant owner, when he was preparing the world's largest pizza dough by tossing it. Because that shit touched his arms and elbows, yo. And you KNOW he didn't surgeon-scrub his arms and elbows first.

GROCE.

Does it bother you when pizza dough touches the chef's arms, or worse yet, when they prepare it with no gloves? 

I know that shit is baked, but srsly, who wants baked E. coli and baked staph and baked nail grime and baked bum-bum germs?

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ED. NOTE: In another show, I beheld this:

IS THAT HAND SANI I SPY??

Adam, you may have redeemed yourself.

....On second thought, no. But it's a nice effort.

BIRTH TRAUMA: Jo Style.

My friend Ches asked me this:

I'd like to hear about the births of your babies and how you felt staying in the hospital. Was it stressful? Or did you not even care because, you know, you just gave birth and all. :) Did you obsessively watch the nurses/doctors to make sure they washed and hand sani-ed before they came into your room?


Oh boy. This is a great question, and MAN does it bring back memories.

So, in a nutshell, I spent the entire time in the hospital freaking the fuck out.

Because of germs.

And to make matters worse, I had to stay in the hospital a full three days. That was a lot of hours of freaking the fuck out. Because of germs.

First of all, I printed out a sign and hung it on the hospital door: "All visitors: Please wash your hands when entering."

Oh yes I did.

Second, before giving birth, I had used Lysol wipes on things like the bed railings and tables and such.

Bag of Lysol wipes:

Third, I repeatedly Purelled my hands while in labor. WHILE PUSHING MY BABY OUT.

This is me, rubbing my hands together briskly for 30 seconds.

I also had good old Sani-Hands everywhere. 

Like, everywhere.

I watched every doctor and nurse like a fucking hawk. Only about 1 time in 400 did a nurse ever use hand sani upon entering, even though it was right on the wall. Kind of like my bathroom at home.

It made me CRAZY that they didn't use hand sani. But I was too chicken to speak up.

Even during the fraction of the time that they did use hand sani, they would come in and use the computer to check my stats, etc, and that keyboard and mouse had been handled by people who hadn't cleaned their hands, so it was kind of pointless.

They'd also use pens and stuff, and I would cringe and think, "Do you know how filthy that pen is? And now you're going to touch my hours-old baby?"

At one point, the nurse came in and said she was about to give my baby her first bath. I asked, "Do you usually use the sink for that, or a basin?" She said they always use the sink. The sink where people had been washing their dirty hands. Where I'd brushed my teeth and spat. Etc. I said "FUCK IF YOU'RE DOING THAT WITH MY BABY, BISH"  "I'd really prefer it if you used a basin."

She complied.

When Maya came to visit, I washed and Purelled the very skin off her hands.

But isn't this precious?

Maya even got into the swing of things using Sani-Hands to wipe off everything she deemed germy.

I was also concerned about the doctor not wearing a mask during the birth, but I guess that wasn't a huge deal.

I was impressed, however, when the doctor asked the nurse to take his glasses off the top of his head and put them on for him, instead of him touching them (glasses are among the filthier things in this world):

I sure hope there is no vaj showing in any of these photos.

So this just shows you a portion of the anxiety I went through. Then I had to contend with visitors and being afraid that people had colds, etc. Everything about everything about being pregnant and giving birth made my OCD go haywire.