How Does This Happen?

Hand Sani Recalled Due to Bacterial Contamination.

I guess that "dangerous bacteria" was part of the 0.01% of germs that Purell doesn't kill. I MEAN FUCK. How in the what the what even I can't.

How is this even possible?

Also Known As Swine Flu Appreciation Day.

Today is National Handshake Day. Also known as, the Day Jo Anxiously Hides in the House. (See also, Every Day.)

For God's sake, people, use your Purell liberally on this most egregious of holidays.

Hotels AGAIN.

You are all well acquainted with the Things I Do when staying at a hotel.

Remember how I said that the next time I stay at a hotel, I was going to stay in a Hampton Inn? Because they wash their actual duvets and also have kickass hilarian commercials?

Well I think I've just changed my mind. I think the next time I brave a hotel room it will be a Best Western. Because here are the new rules they are implementing:

• Ultra violet (UV) sterilization wands– Wands from Purelight are used to sterilize "high touch points' in the hotel such as telephones, clocks, light switches, door handles, bathroom fixtures and common areas.  [Ed. Note: A recent study found that the main light switch in hotel rooms is the ickiest, germiest, fecal-matterest location in the entire joint, coming in at 112.7 CPU (colony-forming units of bacteria, per cubic centimeter). The recommended level for "cleanliness" is a mere 5 CPU. Why, that's, that's, well, a lot more CPUs. GROCE.]
• UV inspection black lights – These black lights are used as part of the housekeeper inspection process to detect any biological matter [Ed. Note: Read, human spermatozoa], food particles [Ed. Note: Read, vom], and more [Ed. Note: Read, blood and urea], that the human eye cannot see. 
• Clean remotes or wraps for the remote control device – These unique, seamless remote controls are designed specifically to make it easy to clean and disinfect before each guest stay. 
• Pillow and blanket wraps – Extra pillows, blankets and towels are wrapped in 100 percent recyclable and biodegradable single use wraps to ensure guests know that these products have been cleaned just for them. 
• 
  

It sounds good, nay, it sounds outfuckingstanding, but how do we know they will actually adhere to such strict standards? How do we know that Brunhilde the Maid has run a black light over the bed's headboard and bleached away the spooge and vag-hands? that she has used a sterilization wand after Cloroxing the bathtub so as to eradicate bum-bum-chowder germs? How do we know that is has occurred to Brunhilde to sterilize the coffeemaker and the microwave buttons?

In the same vein as not knowing whether Brunhilde has actually disinfected the toilet seat or has actually cleansed the water glasses that are covered with a paltry paper wrapper stating "For Your Convenience," we will never actually know whether anything has actually been cleaned. But, let's just hope they have some semblance of decency in their hearts to actually go through with these hygiene measures. LET US PRAY TO JESUS, CHILD. Pray that hotel employees become more adept at removing fecal coliform and escherichia coli and salmonella and staphylococcus aureus from our vacation spots.

I like where they heads is at, tho, dog. I like where they heads is at. UV wands and black lights and TV remote-control condoms and fresh blanket wraps FOR ALL.

Fun With Sepsis.

Poor hand-washing likely led to spread of rare infection at Royal Alexandra Hospital

"Poor hand-washing rates in Edmonton and Alberta hospitals contributed to the spread of multi-drug-resistant bacteria that infected several people and likely played a part in the death of a Royal Alexandra Hospital patient. 

"Joffe said Alberta Health Services is investigating why the originally infected traveller wasn’t immediately isolated in emergency and why hand-washing rates among staff at Edmonton hospitals is a dismal 43 per cent, compared to a provincial average of 50 per cent."

Come on, people, let's aim high. Let's shoot for the stellar average of 50%, not an abysmal 43%.

Fucking hospitals, man. In a study, the World Health Organization determined that in one year alone, "Hospital-acquired sepsis and pneumonia claimed 48,000 lives, led to 2.3 million extra patient-days in hospital and cost 8.1 billion dollars." All because people won't fucking wash their damn dirty hands. One doctor decreed that these infections "could be prevented by improving hygiene in clinical settings." YA THINK? Sweet feathery Jesus.

I have a great idea! Instead of a dismal 43%, or the you've-got-to-be-kidding-me average of 50%, let's really get crazy. Let's shoot for, I don't know, washing your hands 100% of the time?? 100% of the time you use the bathroom. 100% of the time you change diapers or wipe tiny butts. 100% of the time you pick your nose. 100% of the time you handle raw meat. 100% of the time your hands actually get grimy. 100% of the time you treat or touch patients at a doctor's office. 100% of the time your hands need washing, period. It's just not that hard. It's NOT THAT HARD.

Why can't people just wash their hands? Fuck 43%. Fuck 50%, for that matter. I hate people. I hate them in the face.

Another One about Various Other Nasty Phobias.

Do you ever know in advance just exactly what Complexes (Complices?) you are going to give your children? Like, are you a neat freak and you just know you are going to breed children who cannot go to sleep if their stuffed animals are out of place? Or maybe you are super stranger-danger-phobic, and you have instilled in your children a deep fear of all people, and they will assume that every person they pass is going to accost and torture and murder them? Perhaps you are afraid of sheep and your children scream every time they hear "Mary Had a Little Lamb." You get my point.

Well, I already know what my kids' neuroses will be. HAH! You think I'm going to say germs! Well that goes without saying. I plan to raise tiny tiny robots who use Clorox Wipes as toilet paper and who take bleach baths and who drink shots of Purell thrice daily. Bygones.

However, my other deepest darkest secret is that I am a choke-phobe. I am terrified that my kids will choke. And I know I'm instilling this fear in them. I must say at least 40 times a day, "Stop talking while you eat you'll choke." "Do not laugh and eat, you'll choke." "Please take super little careful bites, I don't want you to choke." "Tiny bites! I SAID TINY BITES!" "Stop doing weird inhaley things while you eat your sandwich, you'll choke." "We do not sing whilst we eat." "QUIT LAUGHING." "STOP FUCKING AROUND WHILE YOU'RE HAVING LUNCH, YOU'LL CHOKE GODDAMMIT." (That's only on a bad day.)

I just know my children are going to grow up thinking that they'll die of sandwich-asphyxiation or carrot-hack. I am just waiting for the day when I walk in on Maya playing with her dolls, and hearing her admonish them, "Take tiny bites of cake, Runchel,* I don't want you to gruesomely die right before my very eyes. RUNCHEL YOU COULD CHOKE!!111122!@"

*Runchel is the name she invented for her very favorite dollbaby.

Anyway. I don't know how to fix this situation. I don't know how to find a happy medium. As it is with so many other things in my life.

How do you ever let your kid gnaw on a raw carrot? How do you ever give them a whole apple without slicing it tissue-thin? How do you let them eat the shit out of a hotdog without dicing it into microscopic pieces? Godsakes how do you let them eat innocuous things like cereal and not tell them, "Fucking quit fucking laughing with your baby sister right fucking now, you'll both fucking DIE!!"

Above all else, how do you let them eat OMG whole grapes?! When is the day you decide, "OK, now my child is ready to shovel perfectly sized choking hazards down her gullet"?

When I was 19, I choked on a bite of salad. CHOKED-choked, not just sort of got it halfway down the wrong pipe. I was with a friend and I was just about to laugh, and I inhaled, and *thwap* a piece of lettuce completely sealed off my airway. With an audible thunk. I stood up, flailing, unable to even cough. Eventually I managed to push out the last remaining air I had in my lungs and barely dislodge the lettuce, enough to gasp and wheeze and let air whistle & screech through my windpipe. I coughed and coughed for like an hour, trying to fix things. Through the grace of God I am here to tell you this tale.

Yesterday I choked on a minuscule piece of ground beef. A crumb, really. Like, choked quite badly. Thought, "What if I sit here and die right in front of my two children because I can't get any air in or out?" Finally managed to get my lungs to cooperate and un-seize so I could cough.

So I know that choking can happen at any age, with any food. It's a lifelong hazard. But I am just terrified it will happen to my kids.

How do you get over something like this? Or, how do you just accept the fact that you are creating mini-paranoiacs?