When I say I am a stay-at-home mom, I mean I am a STAY-AT-HOME mom. We almost never go anywhere. Not to the grocery store (I pass off that duty to my husband); not to the park; not the children's museum; not to play-dates; and never, ever to indoor play-places (McDonalds, the mall, etc.).
We stay at home.
Home is safe; home is clean. At home, we are not breathing other people's germs, and we are not touching anything that has been touched with unwashed hands. Our house may be a little cluttered, we may have a little too much stuff, but it's clean. The rest of the world? Filthy and disease-ridden and scary and overwhelming and panic-inducing. I've learned that wherever we go, someone is always sick. Always.
Even when I try to venture out, beyond my comfort zone, someone somewhere sneezes on us, and my breathing constricts, and my stress hormones surge, and my panic rises. I think to myself, "We are doomed. We can't win. We can't win."
Someone, wherever we go, is always sick. And I can't have that.
Even when I try to venture out, beyond my comfort zone, someone somewhere sneezes on us, and my breathing constricts, and my stress hormones surge, and my panic rises. I think to myself, "We are doomed. We can't win. We can't win."
Someone, wherever we go, is always sick. And I can't have that.
So my children suffer. We almost never even go into our own backyard, for heaven's sake. So inside, we remain. Safe. Bored. Antsy. No new things. No learning. No experiences. No stimulation.
I am terrified that one day my daughters will sing this song. Because of me.
Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
I'm sorry, my loves.
