Survivors.

So the time has come to post again. I am still FRESH OUT, SON, of ideas. I mean, you can only blog about Purell and new Advanced Purell ("takes less to do the job"(TM)) so many times. So what now?

I think I'll free-associate here.

So my most recent meeting with Dr. P

As I was saying, my most recent meeting with DR MOTHERFUCKING P, went poorly. We kind of have nothing to talk about anymore. Kind of like me, and this blog. Nothing to talk about. He asked questions, but my answers to those questions we vague and were almost always "I don't know." Or, "I feel like, I don't know, it's complicated, I don't know."

So now what? He seems unwilling to delve deeper, like delve into the sources of my OCD (which I could easily explain to him, since I KNOW how they started). He seems unwilling to talk about much at all, except for my meds.

Now, I feel a certain, how do you say, oh yes, kinship with this man. 

I've been seeing him for at least a year and a half. So it would be traumatic to attempt to start seeing a new therapist, and having to explain the SAME SHIT ALL OVER AGAIN. So on one hand, I feel sort of bound to him. On the other, he's not really doing much for me. Other than carefully monitoring my medication--I can give him that much. (PS: Awesome sidenote--the meds I'm on, combined with a less-than-stellar diet, have caused me to gain approximately 2387438 pounds exactly. I am positively rotund. Bygones.)

So anyway, Dr. P. He seems to want to farm me out to another therapist--he's constantly on my case about seeing someone who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)--which is a whole lot of "be present in the moment, acknowledge your pain, feel grounded, put your feet on the fucking floor, know that this too shall pass." Good advice for normal people. But I'm not normal.

I will continue this later, because as heretofore mentioned, I have nothing to say. A lot of words to say nothing I have to say, but still. I must go wash bottle nipples. Yes my two-year-old child still uses and loves her bottle. What of it?

More later.

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It's later. I've currently got cupcakes burning in the oven, where my five-year-old drizzle-dripped that batter right the hell into those cupcake papers, or near enough. And then she licked her fingers. Salmon-to-the-ella, what what? Oh well, I survived, she will too. Maybe that's my Luvox talking, but we'll be OK. After a small bout of diarrhea.

The other day, we went to a birthday party at, get this, CHUCK E. FUCKING CHEESE. As if anything could be any grosser. So my kids touched tokens, and went on rides, and climbed climbers, and then ate horrible pizza, and yet survived. So far with no ill effects. Except for the E. Coli. Bygones.

---

Today I plan to take the kids to the park. I'm only doing it because I promised last night I would, so I can't get out of it.

Edit: Mission accomplished! We actually went to two parks. Go me! The kids had an absolute blast. Here are a bazillion pictures of the cutest chitlins ever:

Lots of fun, right? I even let them play in the dirt and gravel. Although I did periodically Purell them and when we came home I made them strip naked and wash their hands for four hours.

Love,

Jo

Fun Friendly Phobic Fact Friday.

"Science Is Fun and Useful"

by Jo

This is one of the most kickass videos I've ever seen. (1) Because this guy is awesome; (2) because the wisdom he imparts is true and important re: the viruses with the highest-known fatality rates; and (3) because this guy is awesome.

So let's do watch.

(Totally can't get it to embed AARRRRGGGHH)

Let's just start with his opening line, "There's a lot of stuff out there that's trying to kill us, right now, and today, I'm gonna talk about the ones that are the best at it. The Five Deadliest Infectious Diseases in the World."

The 10 minute 23 second video is worth your while; however, if you're all tl;dr? and you don't feel like watching the entire thing? Then let me just summarize, BumBumStyle:

• The Spanish Flu (1917-1918) was a notorious infectious disease, also known as...wait for it...H1N1. It killed more than 30 million people worldwide. ( Now you may recall that in 2009 there was also mass hysteria over a resurgence of the pandemic H1N1, a.k.a. Swine Flu to the point that you could not find face masks or hand sani in any drugstore anywhere.) Anyway, the first outbreak had a case fatality rate of 20%, and apparently, 20% (!!) is so minor in the grand scheme of things that it's not even worth talking about. Bygones. Let's move on, shall we?

• Let's take Nipah, which has an average case fatality rate of about 50% (other online sources claim up to 75%). It seems that around 1999, pig farmers started coming down with respiratory issues, and inflammation of the brain that caused hallucinations, along with seizures (and should you wonder, no, "not the good kind of seizures," according to SciShow). What.

Outbreaks continued in India and Bangladesh, the disease mainly spread by bats, at which point and in which place the death rate became around 100 mother fucking percent. Are you hearing me. 100%. 

And what's worse, you suddenly didn't need a got-damn bat or pig or a batpig or a pigbat to give you Nipah, you get could get it human-to-human. And then you'd fucking die. Dead. Deceased. Of a miserable death.

Pigbat!!

In 2001, in Siliguri, India, there were cases of Nipah where 75% of cases were traced back to people who had merely visited the local hospital. Just by being there. In that building. Just by, say, strolling in to give a loved one some pink carnations and a "Get Well Soon" Mylar balloon. Maybe a Peace Lily or two.

"Get well soon! I hope you recover from your Nipah! As if!"

Perhaps best of all, according to the WHO, there is no treatment or vaccine available for either humans or animals. Which might explain why up to 100% of the people infected die dead.

So that is of little interest to you. After all, you do not live in Siliguri, India. So let's talk about H5N1 (commonly known as Bird Flu). 

• H5N1 didn't used to be easily transmissible to humans, but then scientists went and got all 10-year-old-boy on us and asked, "What would happen if I did this? Let's see if I can do this!! Let me dick around with something! What would happen if I did that? Let's fukkin' blow shit up, man!111@@!"

Apparently, this tinkering made flu transmissible to ferrets, which have (for some reason) the same immune system as humans. Which sucks because this newly and easily transmissible Bird Flu kills at least 54% of people who get it. For fuck's SAKE, ferrets?? Good times. 

There is a government vaccine available for H5N1, but it has apparently been stockpiled and is not available to the public. Good times.

---

And I quote: "Now Hank, you're saying I'm not a Malaysian bat-handler and I've already stocked my pantry with enough Skittles and Diet Sierra Mist to get me through the Bird Flu pandemic."

So in other words, I'm golden, right? Read on, friends, read on.

• In 1967, Germany started testing polio vaccines on monkeys from Uganda. Suddenly the scientists came down with wicked fevers, vomiting, diarrhea, massive internal bleeding, and circulatory failure. Good times.

Corellation: Messing with monkey parts = contracting killer diseases. Quit poking around monkey parts, you zoophile.

After further investifuckingation, they eventually isolated the virus known as Marburg Hemorrhagic Fever.

In one year alone, 23% of the scientists exposed died. It shows up everywhere from Africa to the United States, where it kills more than 80%. EIGHTY. PER. CENT. Scientists say that Marburg Hemmorhagic Fever is "the #1 virus you most want to mother fucking got damn avoid," if I may paraphrase. Let's try to do that, people. Start by washing your damn dirty hands and then not messing with monkey parts. But I mean, there is more than one good reason never to mess with monkey parts. For one, that's a hell of a lot of bum-bum germs.

So even if you live in the USA, never handle bats, and have thousands of Snickers and gallons of Orange Crush available in your storm shelter, you are not safe from terrifying diseases.

• A cousin of Marburg Fever is the Zaire Ebola virus (a.k.a. ZEBOV). It is the second most deadly disease in the world and causes everything from vomiting to fever to failure of blood vessels, which causes bleeding under the skin (groce).  ZEBOV has a mortality rate of 83%, and in the early 2000s, it killed more than 90% of the people infected. That's a shit of a lot, people.

• As a sidenote, what do these all viruses (virii?) have in common?

All of these viruses are Zoonotic ("transmitted to humans from animals"). Especially from bats. Fuck you, bats. I hate you in the face.

For these and other reasons, let's just avoid adopting your local neighborhood Battus Vampirus, even though it may be precious and have a cute little snout and you want to name it Edward.

Back to our regularly scheduled program about shit what will kill you.

So, after reading about ZEBOV, you're probably wondering, what disease is deadlier than 90% fatal?? This may surprise you, my peeps.

The deadliest disease in the world is not influenza, is not typhoid, is not dysentery,

...but is rabies, with case fatality rate of, oh, you know, whatever, about 100%. Bygones.

What? Like, Spiffy my sweet little Labradoodle can kill my ass? Or rather, what: like, sweet little Cujo can go from this

to this

and I won't have a chance in heaven once symptoms present?

You're saying that man's best friend can harbor the greatest plague known to humanity? Even though there's a vaccine and shit?

Yes, there is a vaccine, but once you've been diagnosed with the symptoms of the disease, you face almost certain death. There is a case fatality rate of p. much 100%.

According to Science Guy, there have been fewer than 10 recorded cases EVER IN THE HISTORY EVER OF THE ENTIRE WORLD EVER of people who have EVER been diagnosed with rabies and who have EVER lived to tell about it. Ever.

Apparently it's a terrible way to go: Early flu-like symptoms, then it targets your central nervous system, and you become agitated, delirious, and have seizures. Then you will experience paralysis, especially of the throat and jaw, making it difficult to swallow liquids (which is why patients avoid water and which is why rabies is known as hydrophobia). Ma! He's got The Hydrophobe!!

Old Yeller,

Come back Yeller,

Best doggone dog in the West.

With rabies, your pulse and blood pressure will vary wildly, and along with other v. unpleasant symptoms like acute pain and mania, then you will experience coma and heart failure respiratory failure and death. 100% of the time.

And although bats have caused all kinds of other really, really bad shit (see above), they usually get a bad rap when it comes to rabies.  Everyone is all, "OMG OMG IT'S A BAT it's going to get stuck in my hair and bite me and I will get the rabies! OMG BATS!" But actually, about 97% of cases in humans come from dog bites. Out, out damn Spot!

---

This ends your science lesson for the day and your very extensive Fun Friendly Phobic Fact Friday.

Love,
Jo

Fair Enough.

So last weekend was actually a delightful one. I somehow had enough energy and motivation, and slightly less anxiety, about getting out of the house and actually doing shit.

The first thing we did on Saturday was go to the local town center to have lunch with my husband's mom and grandma. I ordered ceviche, which of course is raw fish, so that in itself was "brave" of me to take that risk, since I'm usually so food-phobic, especially in restaurants. I mean, OMG WHAT IF I GOT A PARASITE? ...Well, come to think of it, a nice roundworm or tapeworm or two could help me shed some of this unwanted weight....

Bygones.

Anyway, my other major accomplishment was that I let the baby eat tortilla chips...straight off the restaurant table. Now, if you'll please recall, this is what I've previously wiped up when I use Lysol wipes on restaurant tables:

Totes groce right?

I admit I did give a cursory swipe of the table with Sani-Hands...

 ...but didn't do my usual crazed wipedown deep cleaning like a white demon on crack. The baby also touched things like, OMG, the highchair, and crayons, and other things, and I still let her eat chips with her hands. This is a major accomplishment!

Afterward, we all wandered the toy store, and I actually let my kids touch stuff. I know, right?

Doesn't mean I didn't use large quantities of hand sani the second we got back in the car to go home, but still. Baby steps. Baby steps.

---

Sunday was by far the most fun day. The fam and I went to a local Farmers Market. They had everything you could ever want, from fresh peaches and blackberries and raspberries and corn and cucumbers and plums, to pastries and headbands and fairy wings and knit blankets and and glass sculptures and jewel earrings and just basically every beautiful or crafty thing under the sun. I went a little crazy and ended by buying a lot of things. Here's some of my loot:

This one shows the fuckamaze flowers I bought for a mere US$10, plus fresh-picked raspberries, these divine tiny plums that look and taste a bit like cherries, some pickled garlic (omg my husband will move out if I eat these), spices to make chip-dips with (lime-cilantro, garlic-habanero, and garlic & chive), some honey sticks for Maya, and this gorgeous glass bottle painted with ladybugs, perfect for Naomi's ladybug-themed room. I plan to put some lovely red flowers in it instead of using it for, say, olive oil or something.

The next pic shows a few of the things I forgot to add the first time, namely, a beautiful ladybug bracelet made especially for my little ladybug Naomi, and some beer-bread mix.

And at last, one more picture of my flowers, because they are the most delightful thing I've seen in a long time:

They make me so happy as I sit here typing, even right now:

The market was right on the naval station pier, so we had a gorgeous view of the Puget Sound and of the boats and such. It was such a beautiful day. I had a really wonderful time. Oh, and my major accomplishments for the day? I let Maya snack on a few fresh berries straight from the baskets, with her bare dirty hands and without washing the berries first and knowing full well that God knows who had pawed through them first. YAY ME!

Just kidding.

No, I mean, she did eat the berries, but cured? lol forever.

Anyway, it was a beautiful day.

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On Monday, since my husband Code Red had the day off, we went to the Monroe Fair. I had actually been dreading it, since fairs are filthy business rife with smells of fried onions, filthy carnies, and vomit. I also knew we'd have to let Maya go on some rides, like the carousel, and she'd have to, yes, once again, touch things. Like, I know you don't get how hard this is for me, to merely let my kids touch things, but trust me, it's hard.

But we had a good time. It was another sunny day, and we wandered all about the grandstands, looked at all the cows and baby cows and pigs and baby pigs and goats and baby goats and other such adorableness. I even went on a ride or two, namely, the Super Shot, which brings you up approx 923749038523 feet in the air and then drops you in a dead freefall.

Here I am getting ready to go, stomach in delicious knots:

Here I am on my way up:

And here I am after my death-defying drop:

I am hardcore, yo. Even did it with a walking cast on.

It was a blast.

I also bought a few wonderful things, like a beautiful ring for on the cheap, and an even more beautiful bracelet (for $5!! She could have sold those things for $20 at least!). I also bought some carved wooden frames with the girls' names in them, which I will put photos in and hang on the wall. Oh, oh!! And three air plants! (The pics on that link do not do them justice.) I love them, they are so beautiful and sweet. I plan to put them in gorgeous tiny vases filled with glass beads. I hope I do not kill them, as I have a habit of killing even succulents, which are basically unkillable.

Oh and I let the baby have a taste of fair food. Fair food is notorious for being, let's just say, unsanitary. But I did it. I did it.

Here are a few (thousand) photos from our adventure:

These goats were snuzzling and loving on each other.

Precious dada and Maya.

Naomi remained unimpressed by the entire experience.

Gorgeous Maya and less-gorgeous JoJo who could benefit from a tapeworm or two from ceviche.

Fairs are so exciting you have to RUN!!

Maya is astounded by the tiny, tiny piglets born 17 days ago.

Is this considered a pornographic photo? BEWBS

Naomi's first ride ever! At first she was nonplussed by the experience, then had a blast.

Here I have to show you her intense concentration on getting this pony thing just right.

My gorgeous darling and a wee goat behind her.

And last but not least, the ickiest part of the day, seeing one of those stands that sells "lotion bars." (They look just like bars of soap but they're made of waxy lotion and you rub them about your hands to moisturize them.) They offer free sample bars for you to try, and I cannot begin to fathom the amount of filthy paws that had previously manhandled those lotion bars. Creeped me out so hard.

And on top of this very pleasant weekend, I've actually felt a bit...dare I say? Happy? Who knows, because my moods change on a dime, but I've felt a lot more content the last 24 hours or so. Maybe it's my new med, which, to treat symptoms, and I quote, is "unknown how it works at this time." Good times. But hey, if it works, it works, even if I'm taking something that might make me grow a third arm.

This weekend gave me hope. but being the Debbie Downer pessimist that I am, I can only wait for the other shoe to drop.

Oh well. I had me a v. nice weekend. And I hope you all did too. :)