The Dirt on Clean.

For Christmas, my cousin got me a book. It's called The Dirt on Clean: An Unsanitized History, by Katherine Ashenburg.

It could not be more perfect for me. It is at once horrifying, fascinating, vomit-inducing, engrossing, and fucking pure awesome.

There are quotes spattered throughout the book. For example, Marcus Aurelius said at one point during his life from 121 to 180 AD, "What is bathing when you think of it? Oil, sweat, filth, greasy water, everything revolting."

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY. Baths are the grossest thing ever, unless you shower thoroughly first and wash all your naughty bits. And bathing with someone else? Unacceptable.

Also, when delving into the medieval period, the book states, "We don't know how and how often people washed, ... but plausible estimates are 'not thoroughly' and 'seldom.' "

Imagine your whole body looking like this.

Another revolting quote, this time from Ulrich, a monk of Cluny circa 1075, states "As to our baths, there is not much we can say, for  we only bathe twice a year before Christmas and before Easter."

So glad you at least get clean for Jesus.

The book also talks about how, for most of our recordable history, when people "bathed" at all, it involved rubbing oil on your body and scraping it off with something called a strigil.

When "soap" was invented, it was made from animal fat and ashes. Mmm. Bath & Body Works should come up with a new foaming hand wash called "Antibacterial Donkey Lard."

I am still in the process of reading this gem of a book, and I shall promptly report back with further horrifying details. There is an entire chapter entitled, "But Didn't They Smell?"

That they did, Sonny Jim. That they did.

Also, here's a baby lamb.

T&A Time.

Sorry, I meant Q&A Time.

I'm so out of ideas for this blog that it's not even funny. And then it's funny and then not funny again.

So let's do a little question-and-answer session.

Is there anything I haven't covered that you want to ask me? Or something you want more dirty deets about?

ASK ME ANYTHING!!

Help me find something to write about, my beloveds. Or even if you are a perfect stranger. Just ask!

PLEEEEEEEEEASE.

This Post Is Entirely Unrelated to OCD.*

Just cute pictures of my kids.

We did Santa pictures twice. The first time the kids were all decked out, but Naomi was a whiny little cuss and her dress was all a mess and such. So the second time, we took them in matching jammies (since Santa always wears jammies) and the picture turned out much better. So here they are!

* I lied, this is OCD-related. I always break into a cold sweat when I see Santa's hands touch my kids (or worse yet, as in that first picture, where my kids actually touch Santa's hands).** Also I worry about them catching lice or bedbugs or the flu from all the other kids Santa has held. But you can't skip Santa pictures. You just can't. I just had to double my anti-anxiety medication, is all.

** And don't even get me started on the time I took my one-and-a-half month old baby to see Santa. Her face actually touched his beard. His BEARD. But I can't complain because it is the most precious picture ever to exist in this world. Ever. Like, I could win a Major Award with this shit.

Merry Christmas, beloved friends. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and that the New Year treats you well. And I hope that none of you catches Salmonella from the homemade eggnog.

Fun Phobic Fact...Furday?

Catuum

please dear god why did i watch the health inspectors on the food network why

chicken

raw chicken contaminating everything

why

Fun Friendly Phobic Fact Friday.

So I was watching Dr. Oz on TV (MEHMET!!) and he was talking about all the hidden dangers of dining out, and the "secrets servers don't want you to know."

I am all incognito-like

Of course I felt it was my duty to share these findings with you, my friends and lovers.

• One Helpful Hint was to never, ever order fish on Sunday or Monday. It's usually old and groce.

• Also, if you order your steak well-done, you are likely getting rotten meat (or, "meat that's not as fresh as it should be," according to the man who tried to back-track). You will 100% of the time get a cut that sucks, because cooking it up well-done masks the flavor and it will be tough anyway, so they do not give you the best cuts. Go for medium or medium-rare instead.

• Buffets. The bane of my existence. The food is often overcooked and left out way too long, causing food-borne illness. Plus, all those sneezes and all the people touching the serving utensils...ugh. Never eat from trays that are mostly empty, as these have been sitting out way too long.

• Serving trays are filthy. They are basically never washed, or, if you're lucky, they're wiped down once a day. Think of all the hands!! One chef recommends that you clean them with sani-wipes and that you get your fast food "to go" even if you are staying in the restaurant, so that you can eat off your own clean containers, like styrofoam or cardboard to-go boxes. Sorry environment.

• One server says passionately, "I never order a drink with lemon. They're never washed, everyone touches them, not just the waiter who's putting it in your drink." I've known this for ages. No one washes the outside peel, so they slice all the nastiness right into the flesh of the lemon, and who knows how many countless hands have touched that lemon? Then your server, who touches menus and people's dirty plates and silverware, plunks a lemon right into your drink. Double groce. There will be NO LEMON IN MY WATER THANK YOU SO VERY DEEPLY.

• Another server says, "If your plates and silverware look clean enough to re-use, we put them right back on the shelves." Fucking...I can't even. What can you say about this atrocity?

• One more quote: "I've seen servers come back from bathroom breaks and not wash their hands, and then they're touching your menu, your drinks, and your food, and it's gross." GROCE

• The longstanding question: Should you send food back to the kitchen if you're not happy with it? Yes, if it is not cooked properly, but God be with you, child, you best BE POLITE. If you are not, please expect bodily secretions in your re-cooked meal.

• Water pitchers. They touch the rim of your glass and every other glass. Glass after glass after glass. HERPES MUCH? One estimate puts "touch down" at 144 glasses (of saliva) per evening. Considering how many people have the herp or a cold or flu, you're bound to catch something.

• Ask for the to-go container to be brought to you instead of letting the server take it back where God knows what will happen with it. They will often touch the food with their bare hands. "Ask for it, pack it yourself, don't let it out of your sight."

Take heed, children, and protect yourself from just SOME of the nastiness you will find at restaurants.