Fun Friendly Phobic Fact Friday.

So I was watching Dr. Oz on TV (MEHMET!!) and he was talking about all the hidden dangers of dining out, and the "secrets servers don't want you to know."

I am all incognito-like

Of course I felt it was my duty to share these findings with you, my friends and lovers.

• One Helpful Hint was to never, ever order fish on Sunday or Monday. It's usually old and groce.

• Also, if you order your steak well-done, you are likely getting rotten meat (or, "meat that's not as fresh as it should be," according to the man who tried to back-track). You will 100% of the time get a cut that sucks, because cooking it up well-done masks the flavor and it will be tough anyway, so they do not give you the best cuts. Go for medium or medium-rare instead.

• Buffets. The bane of my existence. The food is often overcooked and left out way too long, causing food-borne illness. Plus, all those sneezes and all the people touching the serving utensils...ugh. Never eat from trays that are mostly empty, as these have been sitting out way too long.

• Serving trays are filthy. They are basically never washed, or, if you're lucky, they're wiped down once a day. Think of all the hands!! One chef recommends that you clean them with sani-wipes and that you get your fast food "to go" even if you are staying in the restaurant, so that you can eat off your own clean containers, like styrofoam or cardboard to-go boxes. Sorry environment.

• One server says passionately, "I never order a drink with lemon. They're never washed, everyone touches them, not just the waiter who's putting it in your drink." I've known this for ages. No one washes the outside peel, so they slice all the nastiness right into the flesh of the lemon, and who knows how many countless hands have touched that lemon? Then your server, who touches menus and people's dirty plates and silverware, plunks a lemon right into your drink. Double groce. There will be NO LEMON IN MY WATER THANK YOU SO VERY DEEPLY.

• Another server says, "If your plates and silverware look clean enough to re-use, we put them right back on the shelves." Fucking...I can't even. What can you say about this atrocity?

• One more quote: "I've seen servers come back from bathroom breaks and not wash their hands, and then they're touching your menu, your drinks, and your food, and it's gross." GROCE

• The longstanding question: Should you send food back to the kitchen if you're not happy with it? Yes, if it is not cooked properly, but God be with you, child, you best BE POLITE. If you are not, please expect bodily secretions in your re-cooked meal.

• Water pitchers. They touch the rim of your glass and every other glass. Glass after glass after glass. HERPES MUCH? One estimate puts "touch down" at 144 glasses (of saliva) per evening. Considering how many people have the herp or a cold or flu, you're bound to catch something.

• Ask for the to-go container to be brought to you instead of letting the server take it back where God knows what will happen with it. They will often touch the food with their bare hands. "Ask for it, pack it yourself, don't let it out of your sight."

Take heed, children, and protect yourself from just SOME of the nastiness you will find at restaurants.