Friday, October 26, 2012


So Halloween is fast approaching. And if you know me at all, you know this is one of my least favorite holidays. Well, that's not true; I actually like it a great deal. I like the autumn, I like the chill, I like the smell in the air, I like seeing kids all dressed up.

What I do not like, no, what I do not like, is my child reaching in a bucket of candy where 82937423740923704 other grubby mitts have been.

You may have gathered this from last year's blog that was written in a total state of hysteria.

You see, with all those grimy boogery hands, every piece of candy must be crawling with e.coli and influenza. And there's no way to take it home and sterilize every piece of candy, so if my kid wants one, my best bet is to unwrap it for her, fling it down like the plague on the table straight out of the wrapper, then wash my own hands four times. Because. Groce.

And still, beyond figuring out how to actually get the candy from the wrapper into the mouths of babes, there's all the reaching, and the grabbing, and now we have an 18-month-old who will be reaching and grabbing too. And this particular 18-month-old STILL puts everything in her mouth. She's acting a 6-month-old fool over here. So she will grab a germified Fun-Size Snickers(TM) and promptly shove the whole bewrappered thing into her gaping maw, I have no doubt.

I like it eatin bewrappered Snickers

Oh well. I keep trying to tell myself, (1) this is necessary. Halloween in nonnegotiable. I have to let my kids do it; and (2) how can these germs be worse than the ones she's picked up from school? And boy oh boy has Maya already caught some doozies. She even caught and then gave me such a bad cold that I got a raging ear infection, and what adult gets an ear infection? I mean FFS.

Anyway. I do not look forward to wandering through the crowded costumed masses, in the pouring rain, only to have my delicate young offspring snatch handfuls of Tootsie Rolls, Three Musketeers, and bum-bum germs.

The good news is, this year I narrowly avoided having to trick-or-treat at my husband's workplace, so I had no run-ins with Princess Jasmine or any meltdowns or parking disasters or near-puking and all that took place last year.

An update surely to come once Halloween has come and gone. Light a candle for me, child.

PS: I link to my old shit because that was back when I was funny. Goddammit.


  1. i like the bum picture on the candy dish. you know how to keep it classy. i like that in a girl.
    you could always just buy your own candy and when the kids get home with their trick-or-treat bags, you could sneakily pitch the whole thing in the trash and replace it with your fresh candy. they'd probably never know.

  2. My obsession with Halloween is that it's on a Wednesday and my kid will want to come home and EAT ALL THE CANDY and how the fuck am I supposed to get him to sleep at a decent hour so he won't be totally sleep-deprived a terror the next day at daycare? November 1st should be a holiday.

  3. Can't you dump the bags out, spray them with lysol (cause its all wrapped and if its not you should probably throw it in the trash can anyway JIC) and then open them? Lysol dries fast, me thinks.

    You could also trick them into wearing a costume that has gloves and them wash the gloves when they get home in boiling hot water and straight clorox.

    BTW...quick hijack....we were in a museum gift shop in savannah and they had tiny stuffed germs. Like a fat pink e coli and a long skinny influenza. They were hilarious and slightly gross!!! Naturally I instantly thought of you.

    1. The thought crossed my mind, but I'd be afraid the chemicals would soak through the wrappers into the candy. :/

      Oh, and I've totally seen those stuffed germs. In fact I'm the proud owner of a swine flu. :)