Tuesday, April 10, 2012

If I Come Down With The Hooping Cough, Blame My Headache.

I've been having headaches for a month straight. Last night it got so bad, I went...DUN DUN DUN...

...To the ER.

I know right? In the words of one Travis Bickle: "All the animals come out at night - whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies. Sick, venal."

So it took a lot to get me to go to the doctor after hours.

But my headache was That Bad.

So my husband takes me to our local ER, and while checking in, some guy in front of me is coughing. Mad coughing. Like, hysterical-coughing.

The receptionist hands the man a face mask and says he has to use it. He says, "Why?" She says, "Because you are actively coughing." Actively? More like hysterically. He says, "I cain't breev thoo no face max."  She says, "Sir, you have to wear this face mask. You are actively coughing." He holds it like two inches from his face and says loudly, "I CAIN'T BREEV THOO IT. I CAIN'T WEAR NO MAX." She insists he wears it, so he holds it somewhere in the general vicinity of his head and goes to sit down.

At this point, I am so flustered, so stricken with dread, that my eyesight narrows into tunnel vision and I literally started shaking and couldn't follow directions like "Sign your name at the bottom and date it." I ask, "What's today? What time is it?" because I don't know. Because there was a man HYSTERICAL-COUGHING ALL UP IN HERE. Whooping, if you will.

They tell me to have a seat. I pick a seat as far away from the hysterical-coughing man as I can. I sit down. My head is agony. My nerves are shot. I am cursing the very moment that I decided this apparent brain tumor required medical assistance. I start crying. Hysterically crying, you might say. I take out my hand-sani and use it, while sitting there sobbing, snot and red eyes and blotchy face and all. Ugly crying.

I rub the Bath & Body Works red-apple-scented hand-sani in ferociously, because it is all I can do. I cry. I cry because of my Headache of Doom, but also because there are sick people everywhere.

Fairly soon, thank God, I am taken to a private room. I say private, but of course what I mean is, a room with a billowing sheet hanging 'twixt me and the entire world. The nurse says she will be right with me.

I listen to the conversation happening outside the door billowing sheet. Then I hear it. The words I was desperate not to hear.

Whooping Cough.

The man they just brought in next door has motherfucking whooping cough. I knew it. I called it. The man what would not wear no got-damn face max. Has whooping cough. Super.

So as I lie there, trying to explain myself to an ENTIRE PANEL of doctors, who are grilling me, dissecting my every word ("Well was the pain sudden, or did it worsen over time? You first said it got worse as the day progressed, but now you're using the words 'sudden pain'--which is it??") as if I were just looking for a quick fix of morphine.

Eventually, they give me a shot of Imitrex in my shoulder. Now as you recall, I have a Liver of Steel. (Prior to this, at home, I'd tried a couple of leftover narcotics, colloquially known as The Good Stuff, but it didn't even touch the pain. It never does.) So I wasn't expecting Imitrex to work.

It didn't.

Forty-five American minutes later, they come by to check on me. They decide to give me THREE MORE SHOTS. Two painkillers (a certain kind that deals with nerve pain or something), plus one shot to offset the side effect of the first two shots. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh. The shots hurt almost worse than my headache.

Oh, and somewhere in here I get an MRI of my head. Bygones.

At last the medications have taken the edge off. My husband is allowed to take me home, under the doctor's orders that I get peace, quiet, and a cool dark room.

....BWAHAHHAHA!! SHYEAH RIGHT! I got two kids, honey.

Anyway, that was my big giant ordeal last night. And let's hope they process my insurance right this time, so I'm not billed for a claim + interest that they screwed up FIVE YEARS AGO.

And fingers crossed that I don't come down with The Hooping Cough. If I do, it's all because I had a really bad headache. :(



  1. I caught my current plauge from working in the ER.But to be fair, I've been working there since September and this is the first one I've got and I know what fevery little kid gave it to me.

  2. people still get whooping cough? i thought that became obsolete when the vaccine came out.
    i thought of you when i wrote my post last night. i touched something germy and couldn't germx or wash my hands. angst was had.

    1. Honey, there's better than "still whooping cough out there??" There's an epidemic. No joke.


      People are forgetting they need their booster shots. Adults are giving it to babies, who die. It's horrible and tragic and everyone needs to get their TDaP/DTaP boosters IMMED.

  3. OMG all I can think about it that idiot and how many kids/babies he exposed to whooping cough. :(

    What a stressful night! I'm so sorry. How long did the meds work on the headache? Is it back with full force now? Also, how did you convince them that you weren't a junkie looking for a fix? ("Oh yeah, those meds aren't working...I need more. Lots lots more.")

    1. The meds (when they finally worked) lasted all night, until morning when my headache came back (but not soooo DOOOOM-y).

      Oh, and apparently this ER "does not prescribe nor give out" narcotics. Like, none. So I couldn't have "gotten my fix" if I'd wanted to. The shots I got were some non-narcotic stuffs that worked on nerves. I guess I convinced them that I wasn't a junkie because I'm a beautiful delicate lovely wee girl with no track marks; I came in with my robust manly handsome husband; and I was crying my eyes out. Plus I passed their TEST where they grilled me for an hour. ;) The pain was sudden! No, slowly getting worse! It was slowly, suddenly getting worse! The pain was sharp, no, dull! THE PAIN WAS SULTRY

  4. Yep that friggin whooping cough is everywhere. WHY because some tree huggers mommies don't believe in vaccines anymore. Sorry folks it is a fact. My pediatrician told me the reason it is rampant in our area is because mommies and daddies believe that vaccinations are bad for their kids. The reason many of these diseases like measles and whooping cough were obsolete was because of the vaccines.

    I am glad your feeling better....... I would have lost my shit in the ER

    1. It's weird that I am so opinionated and so...OCD, and yet I can't seem to speak up for myself most of the time. I should have been like, "Sir, you are placing that face max about your person or I'ma give you a swift karatay chop to the nethers." And while I was at it, I should have told my ER nurses to USE SOME HAND SANI BEFORE TOUCHING ME GOD.

      PS: Of all the vaccinatable diseases, whooping cough scares me the most. :(

  5. Oh dear. I'm sorry this happened.

    We have a little co-op school in a local town that is for the kids who don't get vaccines. When we went to Homeschool Day at the capital, they were having a demonstration down there for the "My Child My Choice" movement.

    I have mixed feelings on this. I've met a lot of parents who believe whole heartedly that immunizations are the reason their kids have autism. (As a side note, in the autism community I think it's the MMR vaccine that they blame.) For me, I have a problem with authority, and it makes me mad that someone tells me I "have" to do something with my own kid. However, I also don't want my children to catch some sort of contagious disease. We DON'T do flu shots, for reasons that I'm not going to go into here, because this is a comment, not a post. But I did get my kids their vaccines. Now I see that whooping cough is coming back. I'm actually a tree-hugger, and I don't think that has anything to do with vaccines. People read research that tells them vaccines are poisoning kids and it scares them.

    I have to give my daughter narcotic seizure meds every day, and I suppress the urge each time to dump that fucking shit down the sink. It's hurting her liver and her bones and her teeth, not to mention the fact she's officially a junkie--she can't stop taking it without being weaned off of it. We in this country think drugs and shots are the answer for everything, and I see why some people would rebel against this. I'm not saying I necessarily agree, I'm just saying I sort of get what they are thinking.

    1. Totally feel you here. I have mixed feelings on vaccines as well. But basically, for me, it boils down to "Yeah, there could be some potentially nasty side effects, but guess what, homey don't want polio, and homey don't want to give pertussis to my infant." So I err on the side of not contracting epidemics. :)

      We also mildly selectively vaccinate (we skipped rotovirus, and almost skipped varicella), and we delay vaxing a bit (no Hep B at birth, MMR will be at about 2 or 2.5, etc.).

      But when it comes to DTaP, I am so all over that shit. I was feverishly counting the days until Naomi was eligible to get the shot. OK maybe feverishly is not the best choice of words. Anyway.

  6. oh Jojo...where to start. I suffer from chronic got-blammed migraines and they suck donkey weeners. For reals. My list of meds that I have tried in my lifetime takes up least one single spaced legal pad sheet with three columns. I cannot do imitrex because it gives me a nasty reaction akin to having cement poured down your neck, which is worse than the actual headache. I have had shots in my face, head, and neck. I have had to give myself shots. I have been on hardcore preventatives that took me a year to ween off. Why am I sharing all this? I actually have no idea. Probably because its all about me. Obvs.
    Anyhoo. I hope they get you straight. Sometimes the urgent care is a good option for headaches because they are just going to give you injections either place and you don't have to wait as long or be aroudn quite as much nastiness.

    1. Headache Queen, you make me laugh like None Other.

      I mean, not at your chronik headakes. But just, yeah, I love you.

      I'm so sorry you've felt the pain of a thousand tiny men jackhammering away at your cerebral cortex. It's the WORST. I luckily didn't feel the weird bizarre side effects from the Imitrex, though they warned me about it, and I was like, "NOTHXU." My husband has suffered from severe migraines, and I have had them too, so we all feel your pain. Poor babbby. :(

      Anyway. I would probably take a headache over whooping cough, but still. NONE OF IT'S NO FUN.

    2. I lurves you too. Hope you are feeling better. Last time I was in the ER I was doubled over in abdominal pain while a room full of the great unwashed masses watched Gordan Ramsey screaming at people about their disgusting kitchens. The worst part was I was right under the TV so the Dirties alternated between staring at Gordon scream and me writhe. Spe-shal.

      I thought my husband, who doesn't like to wait in line for his dry cleaning, much less overpriced medical care, was going to slit his own jugular to get is to the front of the line.

  7. I enjoy David Erik Grohl!

    1. I know you do Anonypuss, and I'm p sure you'd leave me for him! I guess he's our celebrity Freebie. Much like Theresa Wayman, for me.

      Foursome. You, me, David Eric Grohl, and Teresa JaneDoe Wayman. HAWT.

  8. *hugs your big fat throbbing head*...urm...I'm sorry I just called your head big & fat. It just kinda went well with the other adjectives. Anyway...hope you're feeling better & that the girls managed to keep the rukkus down to a dull roar. I used to get massive sun & exhaust-induced migraines back when I was at errand-runner in college. At first they gave me percoset or something like that... it made my arms go numb. I told them that & they gave me hydrocodone instead, which only made me throw up (unless I ate massive 'mounts of food first). Eventually he just told me to stop driving with my windows down, get better sunglasses, and take B100 vitamins every day.

    PSers... for some reason, my Blogger reading list doesn't want to follow your blog anymore. I clicky "Follow", and it says "you are now following", but I go to my reading list & you don't show up. Good thing I check your blog every day anyway. :D

    1. Migraines are just T. Worst.

      And it drives me nuts when people call "bad headaches" migraines. I'm like, "Son, if you'd had a migraine, you'd know it. And all your other 'bad headaches' would pale in comparison to the blinding pain, nausea, and aura bullshit." Anyway, I'm sad that you are a fellow sufferer.

      But I am glad that you check my blog every day. :)

  9. PS--because I'm a slacker, your prize didn't make it into the mail until last night. So you should look for those in the mail soon!!!

    Question: Do you disinfect your mail? I mean, I know MY hands were clean when I packaged up your gifty, but who knows about "the others".

    1. Can't wait to get it! :)

      Oh, and I totally, completely do disinfect my mail. Not, like, paper envelopes, although I make sure to wash after handling it. But packages and the contents therein? I Clorox Wipe those bitches. Every time.

  10. Hope you're feeling better, Jo! Hugs from Australia. (Yes, I washed my hands and forearms with sanitizer soap first!)

    I've been bedridden with something horrid the past few days and have now read every post of your amazing blog. Thanks for being brave and strong enough to share all of this with us!

    1. Thank you for the antibacterial hug all the way from the Land of the Newsboys and my sweet sweet Peter Furler! I appreciate the forearm disinfection, as well.

      I am sorry you have caught a small plague or two, but I am delighted that it gave you a chance to read through every last page detailing my neuroses. I do love to entertain and enlighten. ;)

      And I had already checked out your blog--I do wish we'd hear more from you! Say, how did you "discover" me? :)

  11. You read me? *manly type squee noises* (okay we know they don't exist, but just roll with it!) I'm honoured! And yes, I need to possibly realise that having a successful blog requires BLOGGING and such...

    That's the awesome thing about blogging about depression. "Wow, I really wish I could stop crying in my wardrobe and walk over to my computer because I think sharing this could really BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" But I can't use that as an excuse really. Can I? *strokes chin* CAN I?

    I discovered your 24/7 of nonstop aweso-mom-ammonia-ness via an article I found online mentioning you. (via http://www.ehow.com/feature_12161020_5-dirtiest-secrets-kitchen-and-clean-them.html) I was curious. I wanted to learn more. I have mild OCD and am always looking to see how others deal with their forms of it. I've been here ever since! HUZZAH AND SHIMMY! (I really did shimmy then. Promise.)

    Nice to meet you! (Also I'm plague free now. Thanks for the well wishes... and you can also stop spraying the screen with Air-O-Killit™. If ya want. ;)

  12. TOTALLY DO READ YOU! Er, when there's something to be read.

    I feel your pain over the blogging ennui. Every day, I do/experience/think something where I'm like, "Must Blog This!" Then I sit down at my computer and all I want to do is click "spin. spin. spin." on Facebook's "Slotomania" game. No will to blog.

    Anyway, how awesome that you found me via my 15 minutes of e-fame.

    *inhales a big breath of Air-O-Killit™* Mmm. Smells like victory.

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