Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Housebound. Locked In. Terrified of the World. Ashamed.

When I say I am a stay-at-home mom, I mean I am a STAY-AT-HOME mom. We almost never go anywhere. Not to the grocery store (I pass off that duty to my husband); not to the park; not the children's museum; not to play-dates; and never, ever to indoor play-places (McDonalds, the mall, etc.).

We stay at home.

Home is safe; home is clean. At home, we are not breathing other people's germs, and we are not touching anything that has been touched with unwashed hands. Our house may be a little cluttered, we may have a little too much stuff, but it's clean. The rest of the world? Filthy and disease-ridden and scary and overwhelming and panic-inducing. I've learned that wherever we go, someone is always sick. Always.

Even when I try to venture out, beyond my comfort zone, someone somewhere sneezes on us, and my breathing constricts, and my stress hormones surge, and my panic rises. I think to myself, "We are doomed. We can't win. We can't win."

Someone, wherever we go, is always sick. And I can't have that.

So my children suffer. We almost never even go into our own backyard, for heaven's sake. So inside, we remain. Safe. Bored. Antsy. No new things. No learning. No experiences. No stimulation. 



I am terrified that one day my daughters will sing this song. Because of me.




Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you
I am afraid



I'm sorry, my loves.

11 comments:

  1. So sad, I am so sorry to read this, my heart breaks. For both you, who obviously adores her children so very much, and for your children, who need to be playing in that backyard. How about having someone you trust take them out, then you will be stressed by the unknown, but at least your not there to witness it first hand. No ideas but I wish you the best.

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  2. sad! i was thinking the same thing as mrsmaynard about maybe having someone else take the kids out. but then, maybe that's almost even worse for you because you are worrying while they're gone that something will happen and you won't be there to fix or avoid or prevent it.

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  3. Thanks guys. I do adore them...I *ADORE* them. I want the very best for them, in every regard. I ate well when they were in my tummy, when I was pregnant I avoided anything and everything that could pose even a POTENTIAL risk...and yet, now that they are born, I can't get them out of the house. Before I gave birth I took fish oil for their brain development, but I can't stimulate their brains now that they're here.

    I wish I could just hire someone to play with them and stimulate them and taken them places. Unfortunately, Sherilin, you're right. I'd just spend more time worrying that the caregiver wasn't like me: hadn't washed her hands, or let the kids gnaw on the picnic table, or lick the slide, or eat a dirt clod, or get too close to a coughing kid. I just don't know how to find a happy medium. So my kids suffer.

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  4. I agree with the above your little ones need to get out they need to be kids. I know that you adore and love them but you need to make sure they get out and get some exercise. There is got to be a way to find someone you trust to help you out with the chittlins? Do they go to school?

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    1. Mommy Bags...I know. I know they need to get out and get fresh air, socialization, exercise, and vitamin D. But to say "just go out" or "just get someone to take them out" is like telling someone with agoraphobia, "Just go outside" or someone with a terrible flu, "Just get out of bed lazy ass." It's hard. It's a sickness.

      Maya was in school, until she brought every illness under the sun home and was making her little sister terribly ill. We took her out of school. But we'll have to start her again soon.

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  5. Are they really suffering as much as you think? Maya is so amazing and creative and it sounds like she has no problem keeping herself active and stimulated in the house during the day. Naomi is still so little that I'm sure she is totally stoked just to follow and watch her sister.

    I was at your house a year ago to see newborn Naomi and I was so jealous at how independent Maya was. She ran around creating games and kept herself totally busy and active without any assistance from anyone else! Caius was the one who didn't want to do anything but watch TV. :P

    You are a wonderful mom and I truly believe that if you're children were actually suffering you would fight your fear and take them out. I think they're doing better than you think. <3

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    1. Ches...Ugh. I dunno. I'm an OK mom in some regards, and an awful one in other regards. But you're right, my kids are super independent. (Perhaps because I don't stimulate them enough and that's what they learned? Bygones.)

      So I think Maya doesn't necessarily "suffer" as much as she could "benefit so much more." No, OK....she does suffer. Because I do suck pretty hard a lot of the time.

      I need to take them to the park, plain and simple.

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  6. Oh girl. Don't beat yourself up too much. Being a mom is hard in the best circumstances, and added worry does not create the best circumstances. I cannot give advice because I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. What I can offer is words of encouragement in the form of a personal situation. My mom is agoraphobic (stop me if you have heard this one...) and she did not leave our house for most of the year I was in kindergarten except for to take me to and from school. I have zero recollection of anything being remiss, and I have an OUTSTANDING memory. She still doesn't drive on the highway, she doesn't like swimming, and she is a control freak. But, she is way better emotionally, physically, and mentally than she was even 5 years ago. She does so many things now that she never did before. So my point is, don't give up on getting better and being less scared. I know that you believe in your heart that germs are not good. But what it also seems like is you want to worry about them less. Don't give up on that part. You can be wary of getting sick without being afraid of it. I guess my point is, everyone can get better, even if it is by degrees. For example, you can work to ease your worry enough to let Maya go to school or enjoy playing outside (I am by no means implying that you should be able to do that. more like having that as a goal). That doesn't mean you have to be or will be comfortable letting her play at the library or use a public toilet. Baby steps. Have you ever tried talk therapy? I think it is awesome for things I have personally gone through.

    Obviously I think I am a life coach :) I am sorry you are feeling bad and I hope tomorrow is a way better day.

    ps>I am curious. Are you afraid of what will happen to them if they get sick? Or of the actual sickness? Or are you afraid of what being sick leads to?

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    1. Thank you for your life coach words of wisdom. :) You are the best.

      To answer your Q, I'm less afraid of the actual sickness than its complications. Like, it's all wrapped up in one bundle, and it's hard to differentiate, but I'm afraid that if my kids get a mere cold, it will get so bad that Naomi will have a hard time breathing (which actually did happen on several occasions). Her being sick terrified me because of how bad she got sick. Then, her colds all turned into ear infections, which meant we had to go to the doctor, my worst nightmare. Just being there is horrifying.

      When I was pregnant with Naomi, I was afraid to get sick because I was worried that my water would break if I cough (again, not an unfounded fear, as that's what happened with Maya). So there are different reasons why I'm afraid of getting sick/my kids getting sick, but I'mm basically just afraid of complications from the sickness.

      Although stomach flu is a different monster altogether. I'm just afraid of all those puking and shitting kids, PERIOD.

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  7. I have huge fears of stomach flu too. I just use those Wet Ones wipes a lot.
    Every mom has strengths and weaknesses. None of us is perfect. Remember that :-)

    You asked about giveaways - I announce the winners on the rafflecopter widget, but sometimes it takes a couple of days to announce because winners don't respond - twice now it's taken me 3 winners to get one to respond (I give them 48 hours)

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    1. Thanks. :)

      I guess I don't even know what the rafflecopter widget is. Maybe I can just check back on the original entry to see? I'm such a newb.

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