Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Passing the Torch.

For my daughter's third birthday, I could have gotten her anything. A tricycle, a scooter, some dress-up clothes, whatever.

Instead, this is what she got:*

At first she was all, "WTF is this shit, Mom? I wanted a giant creepy decapitated Barbie head where you can curl her hair and put clips in it and scrub blue eyeshadow on her face and stuff."

But then she cheered up as she remembered, "Oh yeah, germs really aren't for sharing, and everyone needs a little reminder every now and then. Hey thanks Mom."

*Well, I mean she got other shit too. But this was clearly the most important present.

I think the author (Elizabeth Verdick) did a mostly great job with this book. My only complaint is in this passage:

"When do you wash your hands? Before it's time to eat. When things get messy. When you sneeze or cough or go potty--or anytime you need to." 

What she forgot was, "And when you touch handrails on the escalator, which you should know better than to do anyway; after you hold menus at restaurants, because, gross; when you pump gas; when you change a diaper (even just the pee-pee ones), since OMFG no mother ever seems to wash her hands after changing her precious precious darling's diaper, because after all it's "just" a little BABY'S poop, which must either be (1) because baby poop somehow differs inherently germwise from adult poop, or (2) because baby poop is darling; after you touch a doorknob of any kind; after you dig for gold; after you flush a recently murdered spider down the toilet (because you touched the flusher); after you touch raw meat (in fact, please use rubber gloves before doing so); after you adjust your wedgie; after you handle cash or your credit cards; after using your cell phone; after you go grocery shopping; after you go to the mall; after you go anywhere; after you share the peace of the Lord at church (all that shaking of hands?? I mean, I love you, brethren, but it doesn't mean I don't secretly rub in some Purell after greeting one another while the pastor prepares us for Holy Communion. Please, by all means, share the peace of the Lord, but not your bum-bum germs); and so forth. So needless to say, I'm a little disappointed in Elizabeth Verdick for not adding in the line, "and also, every time you go anywhere, do something, or touch anything. Because germs are everydamnwhere, and they are most assuredly not for sharing."

At church, our departing remarks are, "Go in peace, serve the Lord." Instead, I like to quote this book by chanting, " 'Go and wash your hands, because germs are not for sharing.' Oh and plus Praise Jesus."

Just doing my best to raise tiny germaphobes.

1 comment:

  1. I need to get this book. :) Hello Christmas Gift. :)