Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Let's Get a Few Things Straight.

Here is the #1 ground rule for this blog. If you so much as breathe the words "Hygiene Hypothesis" to me, I will kick you in the slats.

No, actually what I think I will do is force you to lick the handle of a shopping cart, just to see how you like it. Then I might have you rub your face all over the vinyl seat at a restaurant. Then I will have you stir your morning tea with a ballpoint pen from the doctor's office reception desk. Then I will have you consume a sticky bun dropped on the floor of a Porta-Potty. Then I will have you go share a Kleenex with H1N1 Patient Zero. I guarantee a stronger immune system in just five easy steps!!!!

If you at any point mention that the mouth of a dog is far cleaner than that of a human's, first I will direct you to snopes.com and then I will let you make out with my Saint Bernard at your leisure.

If you're the type to claim that the seat of a public toilet is cleaner than your kitchen counter, as so many people like to spout off without for one second thinking it through? I will make you a nice big spaghetti dinner, ground beef meatballs on the rare side, serve it straight on the shitter, and make you eat it with your fingers. After petting a llama. Who rolled in dung. Because after all...it's good for you. Right?

I mean FFS. It's a Hypothesis. It didn't even make Theory status. You know, like the Theory of Gravity, or the Theory of Relativity? Observe this truth:
"A theory has been extensively tested and is generally accepted, while a hypothesis is a speculative guess that has yet to be tested."
It's a hypothesis, and an extremely flawed one at that. Not completely mistaken in every way, but generally illogical, unsound, and outright ridic in most ways. And people misinterpret its basic point so very deeply ("let the baby gnaw on the cat's litter-coated rogue poop, it's good for her immune system!!") that I want to bend them over my knee and smack their bum-bums with a sterile nitrile-gloved hand until they finally get it. The Shmygiene Shmypothesis: We could debate about it all day and all night, and trust me, I would soundly kick your ass with my irrefutable logic.

But I don't have the time for that because I am busy BLOGGING ABOUT IT DUH.

In other words, Hygiene Hypothesis my ass bum-bum.


  1. You make me laugh out loud with imagery that unfortunately I will likely not be able to forget.

  2. EddieD, my work here is complete.

    Go forth and wash your hands.