Wednesday, May 9, 2012

In Which I Hyperventilate.

So I thought it well and good to inform you that in addition to being a germaphobe, and of course an emetophobe, I'm also a hypochondriac. In the nicest, most awesome possible sense of the word, of course.

When my big toe hurts, I tell my husband, "I think I have toe cancer." I am only 24% kidding. When I feel a twinge in my side, I'm almost positive it's appendicitis. When I walk into a room and can't remember what I am in there for? I am damn-near certain it's early-onset dementia.

When I grow a new freckle? Fucking melanoma, man. (Of course, this isn't unreasonable, as I am pasty white, have blue eyes, was born of Norwegian & Swedish heritage, entirely lack the ability to tan, have had tens of major sunburns in my life, and have in fact had skin cancer before. Behold, the battle wounds from having a basal cell carcinoma removed from my neck.

I told everyone it was from a particularly nasty bar fight. STAB WOUND 2007

Anyway, point is, my emotions tend to be...slightly overexaggerated. Although, the main problem is that all my fears are Based In Reality. When my big toe hurts and I'm sure it's cancer? Well, someone gets toe cancer; why not me?

When I feel a twinge in my side and I'm sure it's appendicitis? My brother's best friend's sister's mother's cousin died from a ruptured appendix, so what if I decide my side-ache is the result of a bad burrito con carne and then it exploded (the appendix, not the burrito), causing my very demise? WHAT WOULD MY CHILDREN DO WITHOUT A MOTHER? .....Oh, I'm just ovulating? Bygones.

When I forget what I am doing and I know in my heart it's Early Alzheimer's, or Alzheimer's Yet To Come? .................Fuck it, I'm not going to blame it on hypochondria: I DO KNOW I'm going to get Alzheimer's. I do. I will. Watch me. You just wait. Seriously. I'm not even kidding. I sound like I'm kidding. I'm not. It's not that I want it; it's just that it's going to happen. Mark my words. Quote me. Wait for it. Srsly.

Anyway, hypochondria: Yes, to some degree. Fears based in reality: Absolutely. And does all this make life even harder? Hoo boy.


My hypochondria extends to my kids, naturally. When Naomi has a sniffle? She will die in her sleep of mucous asphyxiation. When Maya says her back hurts? It's leukemia for sure. When there's a glint in their eyes in photographs? RETINO - MOTHER - FUCKING - BLASTOMA. Shit.

I mean goddamn, wouldn't you be worried? :( And yes, I took her to the eye doctor. Clean bill of health. 
Chalk another one up to hypochondria by proxy.


Today, I am 84% certain that Maya has something dreadfully wrong with her. Because she has been complaining for weeks that her eyes hurt terribly. So in my mind, that's head cancer. CANCER OF THE HEAD.

...Probably she just needs glasses. Or maybe, she has seasonal allergies?

In any case, things suck for a germaphobe/ emetophobe/ verminophobe/ disposophobe/ aichmophobe/ acrophobe/ chemophobe/ hemophobe/ gelotophobe/ insectophobe/ glossophobe/ harpaxophobe/ bacillophobe/ mysophobe/ rupophobe/ decidophobe/ automysophobe/ mycophobe/ hodophobe/ melissophobe/ consecotaleophobe*/ spermatophobe/ decidophobe/ thalassophobe/ proctophobe/ radiophobe/ nosophobe/ xyrophobe/ dystychiphobe/ agliophobe/ dromophobe/ chaetophobe/ helminthophobe/ phobophobe hypochondriac like me.

* Just kidding, I don't have a fear of chopsticks. For the most part.

...Life so hard for Baby JoJos.


  1. it seems that your mind is really creative, finding all those things to be freaked out about.

    1. Hahahahaha. *like*

      Yes, creative I am. Well-versed in medical phenomena? That too. But it kinda sucks for everyday life. ;)

  2. I once upon a time had a pain in my side & was convinced I had appendicitis & was going to die, because it truly felt like I was dying.

    Nope...kidney stone. Still. Actual medical issue. So even when it's not the "OMGI'MGOINGTODIE" disease, it can still be something sucktastic like that. But least I got to take a chemically induced nap at the hospital for an hour. When I was supposed to be at work. That was pretty awesome.

  3. Now I want to know what juicy comment has been removed.

    Two weeks ago my niece bonked her head (she's 9 months so she crawls everywhere and bonks her head a lot). My sister didn't think much of it and put her down for a nap. When she went to check on her an hour later she was laying in her crib, totally silent, with her eyes open staring at the ceiling. TALK ABOUT HEART ATTACK. Anyway, she was fine - they took her to the ER and got a CT scan and there was no concussion. Still, now I have added "fear of concussion" to my list of phobias (which is not nearly as complete a list as what you have up there!). :)

    It also doesn't help that my SIL works at Children's hospital and has a vast array of scary stories to tell...


    1. Heh. I deleted one of my own comments where I replied in the wrong spot. Nothing juicy!

      And OH MY SHIT at your story about your niece. I almost had a heart attack just reading it. I wonder what her lying there like that was all about. OMG OMG.

    2. The doc said she probably had a mild concussion (or whatever) from hitting her head, but nothing serious enough to show up on a scan. She was acting pretty "off" for several hours afterward (groggy and lethargic), so there definitely was something going on.

      Thankfully she was back to normal soon enough. :)

  4. For all of my dirty, germ loving ways, I do worry about things happening to the child. Hubs dropped her when she was a wee thing doing their "circus act" (it involved swinging her baby body around and sliding down his back. that was the last time he did it.)I just knew she was going to die of cranial bleeding. Of course she was fine. But I took her to the doctor JIC.
    I also worry about childhood cancer, comas, falling down stairs and anything else that could possibly happen to her. I think it come with the whole being-a-mom thing.

    My thought of you for the day yesterday...A and I were in Walmart (gag) and she was eating out of a bag of veggie sticks. I guess she got bored with those. I looked down and she had her mouth all over the handle of the cart. In your honor I told her not to do it again. She looked me straight in the eye and did it again. If she dies of Walmart funk, its her own fault.

  5. It DEFinitely is just a "mom thing." Moms worry. I know. Man it's tough bein' a mom.

    Also, I hope you slapped the shit out of your circus-act-performing husband of yours OMFG. I know that it only took one or two times until I put the kibosh on my husband performing "FLY BABY FLY" with the infant. No explanation necessary.

    Also, get yourself a baby shopping cart cover. They are comfy, cozy, and prevent inadvertent shopping cart handle slobbering. ;)

  6. He felt so bad after THE DROP that the circus act days were over :).
    I used to use the shopping cart cover because she was so short that the lap belt didn't work so I used the cover for the harness. I don't use it now for two reasons--1. I have no idea where it is. 2. I can never remember to bring it. You will be proud to know that I didn't permit blankie to come into Hell mart with us. Even I have standards!

    And yes being a mom is a beeee-otch. I worry all the time and I am fairly relaxed about things.

  7. I think it's the freakin' media that adds to the paranoia. It's like, "What? Can that actually HAPPEN?" Ignorance is bliss they say.

    Still, I definitely appreciate the hypochondriac by proxy thing. I don't worry about myself, but I catch all sorts of weird little things going through my mind about my kids. It's hard not to scare them with your own neurosis. For me it's no so much medical stuff as it is me convincing myself that something terrible is going to happen to them every time they are away from me.

    One thing's for sure, Jo. Our lives are never dull. And we love our kids bunches. (Sorry, that's two things.)