Squimming Pools.

When I was young, I used to go swimming in our little alligator swimming pool in the back yard. Do you remember those alligator swimming pools? They were green hard plastic and had a super tiny like two-foot slide into the water. I was a child of the 1980s (Generra Hypercolor, what what), so maybe you young whippersnappers don't remember alligator swimming pools, but trust me, they were kickass.

Well. During those hot summers, I'd play in our alligator pool, but then, we'd let the water sit and stagnate. It would sit for the entire summer. But I'd still put on my Strawberry Shortcake swimsuit or my fantastic neon suit with the squiggles all over it, and I'd go outside during the dog days and bob about in it.

Most of the time there were mosquito larvae squimming in the water.

I'd still play in it.

I'd swim, me and those larvae. I'd swim.

Which might be the reason today that I nuke our hot tub with fire and put 18 cups of chlorine in our kiddie pool, burning the eyes and flesh of my children.

The Bidet Is the Drinking Fountain of Bum-Bums.

Doesn't the concept of bidets gross you the fuck out?

I mean, think about water fountains. Kids slobbering all over the spout and then letting water pour from their mouth all over the spigot from which you will later drink from.

Bidets are the same nonsense. Water shoots up your bidness, then falls down, getting all over tarnation, and the next time you use it, water shoots up from the same spout that bum-bum juice has just leaked down upon.

Water fountains are one of the grossest things I know. But imagine someone hanging their ass over one to clean it, and then drinking from it reusing it on your own ass. I can't. I can't even.

Oh, and this guy? I really, really, REALLY can't.

PSA: Never use a bidet unless you don't mind someone else's bum-bum germs all up in your crack.

Hotels AGAIN.

You are all well acquainted with the Things I Do when staying at a hotel.

Remember how I said that the next time I stay at a hotel, I was going to stay in a Hampton Inn? Because they wash their actual duvets and also have kickass hilarian commercials?

Well I think I've just changed my mind. I think the next time I brave a hotel room it will be a Best Western. Because here are the new rules they are implementing:

• Ultra violet (UV) sterilization wands– Wands from Purelight are used to sterilize "high touch points' in the hotel such as telephones, clocks, light switches, door handles, bathroom fixtures and common areas.  [Ed. Note: A recent study found that the main light switch in hotel rooms is the ickiest, germiest, fecal-matterest location in the entire joint, coming in at 112.7 CPU (colony-forming units of bacteria, per cubic centimeter). The recommended level for "cleanliness" is a mere 5 CPU. Why, that's, that's, well, a lot more CPUs. GROCE.]
• UV inspection black lights – These black lights are used as part of the housekeeper inspection process to detect any biological matter [Ed. Note: Read, human spermatozoa], food particles [Ed. Note: Read, vom], and more [Ed. Note: Read, blood and urea], that the human eye cannot see. 
• Clean remotes or wraps for the remote control device – These unique, seamless remote controls are designed specifically to make it easy to clean and disinfect before each guest stay. 
• Pillow and blanket wraps – Extra pillows, blankets and towels are wrapped in 100 percent recyclable and biodegradable single use wraps to ensure guests know that these products have been cleaned just for them. 
• 
  

It sounds good, nay, it sounds outfuckingstanding, but how do we know they will actually adhere to such strict standards? How do we know that Brunhilde the Maid has run a black light over the bed's headboard and bleached away the spooge and vag-hands? that she has used a sterilization wand after Cloroxing the bathtub so as to eradicate bum-bum-chowder germs? How do we know that is has occurred to Brunhilde to sterilize the coffeemaker and the microwave buttons?

In the same vein as not knowing whether Brunhilde has actually disinfected the toilet seat or has actually cleansed the water glasses that are covered with a paltry paper wrapper stating "For Your Convenience," we will never actually know whether anything has actually been cleaned. But, let's just hope they have some semblance of decency in their hearts to actually go through with these hygiene measures. LET US PRAY TO JESUS, CHILD. Pray that hotel employees become more adept at removing fecal coliform and escherichia coli and salmonella and staphylococcus aureus from our vacation spots.

I like where they heads is at, tho, dog. I like where they heads is at. UV wands and black lights and TV remote-control condoms and fresh blanket wraps FOR ALL.

Oh Adam.

So I was watching Man vs. Food Amazing Eats, Adam Richman's newest show. I was amazed and impressed when I saw the restaurant owner preparing food with latex gloves.

And then...THEN, Adam stepped in to help.

Sans gloves.

Who knows what's on that fucker's hands?

Oh Adam, you handsome, disgusting bastard.

But then, I even lost respect for the glove-clad restaurant owner, when he was preparing the world's largest pizza dough by tossing it. Because that shit touched his arms and elbows, yo. And you KNOW he didn't surgeon-scrub his arms and elbows first.

GROCE.

Does it bother you when pizza dough touches the chef's arms, or worse yet, when they prepare it with no gloves? 

I know that shit is baked, but srsly, who wants baked E. coli and baked staph and baked nail grime and baked bum-bum germs?

---

ED. NOTE: In another show, I beheld this:

IS THAT HAND SANI I SPY??

Adam, you may have redeemed yourself.

....On second thought, no. But it's a nice effort.