I Knew There Was a Reason I Loved You, Paul Rudd.

...Besides your very fine looks and your stunning comedic talent.

Fun Friendly Phobic Fact Friday.

Today we saw a movie. That in itself was a big accomplishment, OCD-wise, because without fail, every time I go to a movie there is someone hacking and sniveling and snorting and sneezing and coughing, and I spend the entire movie in a state of intense distress. Or someone's wearing overbearing perfume or has terrific B.O. Something always goes wrong at a movie.

Today, none of that happened. But today's movie was unusual in that it was RPX, or, ooh la la, a Regal Premium Experience, which p. much means it's just 3D.

We make this shit look good.

This means 3D glasses. Godforsaken disgusting filthy nasty horrifying glasses. Places upon your very FACE. Resting atop your very nose, in the vicinity of your very EYEBALLS.

They caused me to have a mild panic attack and break a sweat. Even handling the plastic package they came in, I was like, "This shit's not clean. There's no way this shit is clean."

But it's not just me. It's not just an OCD thing. Apparently, those things are well-known to be rife with bacteria.

In tests, among the 3D glasses looked at, a cubic shitload of them carried "bacteria that can cause conjunctivitis, skin infections, food poisoning, or even sepsis or pneumonia."

Further, "the publication's research lab found that none of the glasses it tested were sterilized. One of the pairs it evaluated was contaminated with Staphylococcus aureus, the most common cause of staph infections."

In addition, "according to an Inside Edition press release, their undercover investigators have found potentially harmful bacteria on some of the 3D glasses handed out at movie theaters—even the glasses that appear brand new, wrapped in plastic."

I'm sorry, but you can SEE the germs on those motherfucking cloudy-ass glasses.

Dr. Kelly Reynolds, a microbiologist at the University of Arizona, tells the I-Squad, " 'she was surprised by some of the potentially dangerous organisms, such as fecal matter, found crawling on the 3D glasses, including bacteria commonly found in feces.

" 'It looks like 3D glasses are a hot spot for germs. The major way viruses are spread is through your eyes. So certainly when you’re putting these glasses near your eyes you want to make sure nothing is on them.' "

Just...just...groce. GROCE.

However, Life of Pi was fucking EXCELLENT and BEAUTIFUL and AMAZE and maybe it was worth catching Staphylococcus aureus in my nose and eyeballs in order to see it. Because, awesome.

But it's time to go Sani-Hands my entire face now.

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I Got Nothin'.

The Bidet Is the Drinking Fountain of Bum-Bums.

Doesn't the concept of bidets gross you the fuck out?

I mean, think about water fountains. Kids slobbering all over the spout and then letting water pour from their mouth all over the spigot from which you will later drink from.

Bidets are the same nonsense. Water shoots up your bidness, then falls down, getting all over tarnation, and the next time you use it, water shoots up from the same spout that bum-bum juice has just leaked down upon.

Water fountains are one of the grossest things I know. But imagine someone hanging their ass over one to clean it, and then drinking from it reusing it on your own ass. I can't. I can't even.

Oh, and this guy? I really, really, REALLY can't.

PSA: Never use a bidet unless you don't mind someone else's bum-bum germs all up in your crack.